Dating: What questions determine transitioning into the Lust or Love Phase?

Dr. Helen Fisher wrote in her book Why Him, Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love that lust is the first stage of falling in love with someone. Lust carries a negative stigma but if one has ever been picked up by the romance bee, you’ve definitely experienced lust. The real question is: how do the questions we ask our date influence  the relationship to stay in the lust phase, or move deeper to stage 3: deep love and attachment?

lustEpstude and Forster, two researchers, state that love and lust are held at different construal levels (aka thinking levels)-love being more abstract and lust being more concrete. Interpreting ambiguous romantic situations can be greatly influence by the topics we converse about. These two researchers conducted 3 experiments in which they found that changing participants construal level (love = more abstract topics and lust = more concrete topics) highly influenced the cognition of their participants to crave love or lust more (regardless of which they desired in the beginning of the date).

What are questions you should ask if you want to ignite the cognition of love? Things that will yield a glimpse into their insightful mentalities. According to sciencedirect.com, “when a high level of construal was induced, participants likely interpreted a given interpersonal situation as the start of the continuation of a long lasting relationship”. Epstude and Forster utilized the below questions with their participants:

  • How would they describe themselves? And maybe describe other people? How they describe themselves tells a lot about their confidence level and how they describe others might also signify how they possibly could describe you (aka if they gossip to you, they most likely will gossip about you).
  • Ask them philosophical questions: what are a few things that make you happy? What significant value does your favorite movie have for you? (simple question, but will reveal a lot about one’s character)
  • Ask them their goals, aspirations and future life plans: let’s get a glimpse into the future that they envision for themselves, does it correlate with yours?
  • (This is a tip I added in that I utilize!) Tell them about a fascinating article/experiment you’ve recently stumbled upon. Ask them their viewpoint on this.

To ignite the cognition of lust, ask questions that reference to the exact present. “When a low level of construal was induced, the…situations were more likely interpreted as leading to a one-night stand (in a dating situation) or involving little chance of a common future for both actors (in a break up situation)”, states sciencedirect.com. Epstude and Forster utilized the below questions with their participants:

  • Ask them to perform concrete behaviors such as dancing, playing pool or cooking. All of these movements ignite a sexual visual (aka your date can very well imagine how well you’ll move in the bedroom).
  • Their recent past activities, feelings and experiences (how was your weekend in LA partying? How was that concert last week?)
  • Anything else that is visual, concrete or in the moment (how are you liking the weather change? What’s your ideal celebrity crush?)
  • (Another tip I’m adding in) basically, those who crave lust normally don’t ask their date many questions. Their interest isn’t too highly invested in getting to acquire knowledge about you.

Xoxo,

Chrissy

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201105/dating-conversation-long-term-plans-or-one-night-stands

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022103111000849

http://munahussein.blogspot.com/2012/03/romeo-and-juliet-love-vs-lust-and.html

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12048/how-to-tell-if-its-love-or-just-lust.html

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