It has been 18 months of struggling.It has been 18 months of fighting with my mind,piecing my body together, falling apart every time I thought the glue held,18 months of losing interest in Everything I’d loved,of losing friends and losing myself, hating my favourite music and ruining my own paintings,it has been a year and a half of my mind being blue and grey,and my tear ducts giving up.
It has been three weeks since I started speaking up about the wrecking balls hurling themselves against my skull,and this is a letter to myself,a letter for the bad days,A reminder of learning to love my own self .This is a love note to me and my sadness.
I’m human. And I’m sad.
I’m the kind of sad that doesn’t disappear with a night of binge watching my favourite TV show, the kind of sad that glues me to my bed in the morning, the kind of sad that makes me turn the air conditioner too high so the cold makes me shiver,reminds me I’m still alive.
I think the thing about sadness is while it is infuriating, it slowly drapes your body in a strange sense of familiarity, of antagonizing comfort,and it pulls you deeper, gently until you open your eyes to absolute all consuming emptiness you do not know how to pull yourself out of. And so,you pretend, to be happy, drain yourself entirely until your body doesn’t feel like your own,and sadness is etched into your skin,you reek of misery.At times like these Reiterate to yourself:
I’m human.And I’m sad.But that’s not all I am.
Comfort yourself,cry,stop trying to cover that up.Cry on the subway,cry in your classroom,cry in your friend’s arms,cry whenever you want.You get to cry.You get to feel what you’re feeling.
Don’t neglect the needs of your body.Eat ,take a walk and get some air,don’t let the sadness overcome you to such a point that it takes a toll on your body.You get to have a breakdown,but you don’t get to succumb.
I’m a human.And I’m sad. But I’ll fight.
Take your shaky steps.
Clean your room.
Organise your cereal boxes.
Watch your favourite movie.
Ask for help.
Do not stop fighting.
Do not ever stop fighting.
You will survive.You will win this.You are not your sadness,but you will learn to acknowledge it’s existence,you will learn to fight it, get up from when it knocks you down..You will lose some battles and that will happen often,the war might be lifelong but you will make it through.
I’m a human.And I’m sad.
I’m human.I’m sad.But I’m capable of healing.
What do you want to say about your experience with depression?What do you want others to know about it?leave a comment below!