10 Ways to Deal with a Toxic Sibling

Toxic siblings can put a damper on a lot of things. Depending upon the level of toxicity it can be hard to engage with the rest of your family, or even friends that have been there for some time. It can also put stress on you while you try to suppress your feelings for the sake of keeping things civil between the two of you. There is a myriad of reasons why we keep toxic siblings at arms length, but what can we do once we’ve identified the issue? Psych2Go shares with you 10 ways to deal with a toxic sibling.

1. Speak Up

In all reality, your sibling might not even know that they are hurting you. In this case it is imperative that you speak up and let them know how you are feeling. This could invite some issue if the sibling is aware of their behavior and doesn’t care, but for your mental wellbeing it is something that you should highly consider. Going into these conversations can be difficult so it is best to have a list of talking points, usually dealing with the things your sibling does that are toxic to you, and a plan on how to handle the confrontation if it were to get to that point.

Remembering what your sibling does, perhaps they guilt trip you or try to intimidate you, will help you to avoid those buttons as you lay out your feelings. It is important to keep in mind that your sibling might feel attacked or just be unwilling to discuss things with you. If that is the case it is best to take a break and revisit the conversation after your sibling has had some time to digest what you’d already told them.

2. Set Boundaries

It is often hard to avoid your sibling, there are holidays and birthdays all year round, but that doesn’t mean that you have to let them have unfettered contact. Set boundaries that let them know what you will and won’t tolerate. If you have a sibling that enjoys making you the butt of the joke you can remind them that jokes and funny stories are always welcome but ones that are harmful to you are not acceptable. If your sibling likes to belittle you this is the prime opportunity to stand up for yourself.

You’ll need to take baby steps with this one so as not to come off as confrontational, but asserting yourself just might give you the confidence you need to speak with them about how they make you feel. If you can’t make it to that point yet that’s fine! Knowing that you have taken some control over the situation should make you feel better, if only until the next time you see them.

3. Change the Opportunities

If setting boundaries doesn’t work and you are still getting nowhere with your sibling, you can cut the contact. If they have continued to target you it might be time to tailor your actions around them. You might have a sibling that likes to make biting comments towards you when you’re alone so you may need to stick with a small group while they are around. If they like to single you out at the dinner table perhaps sitting with other family and engaging in conversation with them is what’s needed. Minimizing the opportunities your sibling has to get under your skin will make it much easier for you to be around them. It will also allow you to be around the rest of your family and to be happy while there.

4. Don’t Normalize Their Behavior

Do not let them think that what they do or say that is toxic is in any way alright. Make sure that they know that what they did or said was wrong and why. In most cases your sibling will try to diminish your feelings or brush the entire thing under the rug, don’t let them. Make it a point to address these issues regardless of what they have to say about what they’ve done. Let’s be honest, they probably won’t listen to what you have to say because abusive people rarely do, but it is important for you to assert yourself in this situation. It may have taken you years to get to this point, but making sure that your sibling knows you will no longer stand for their behavior might be the log that breaks the dam for you. It may open up a line of communication that you’ve been needing for a very long time and if it does you should seize it and tell them exactly how they have been making you feel.

5. Walk Away

This doesn’t mean that you are walking away from them or your family, this just means that you are walking away from them and the situation at hand. If you aren’t there, then they can’t target you. They might talk about you a bit but it stops being fun when you aren’t there to give them visual or verbal feedback and chances are they will get bored and move onto something else. This will also give you the time you need to gather your thoughts and prepare for what you might need to do next, whatever you decide that to be. It will also stop you from reacting emotionally which might give that sibling another dose of ammunition against you.

This doesn’t have to apply solely to those siblings that are snarky and mean. It can also help you to deal with that sibling who is a user or who lies about random things regardless of the fact that others might know they are lies. If you don’t need to be there at that moment relocating yourself can be a big help to you on a mental and emotional level.

6. Take the High Road

Don’t get upset, no matter how hard it might be to accomplish, so not do it. If your sibling is cutting you down for something just let it roll of your back and be the bigger man. There is no reason for you to stoop to their level and causing a scene may turn the tides against you when it comes to others. Not showing that you are upset will also take some of the fun out of what your sibling is doing, just like walking away will. If you aren’t taking the bait, then they won’t put as much of it out there. This might buy you a little extra time to decide how you want to move forward with this sibling, or if you even want to move forward at all.

7. Counseling

Counseling can be a great way for you to get your feelings off your chest in a safe and secure environment. If you aren’t sure of how you want to confront your sibling, you can ask for advice and role play some scenarios to better plan for upcoming conversations that you might be having with them. If you’ve already spoken to your sibling and they are receptive to what you’ve said to them then family counseling could be the next step in mending your relationship. Having an unbiased mediator there will boost your confidence as well as add protection in case your sibling starts to become angry or frustrated with the direction of the conversation.

8. Trust Yourself 

Do not rationalize the toxic sibling’s behavior, it will only perpetuate the harmful cycle you are more than likely already trapped in. When someone treats you badly or say something hurtful they are doing it on purpose and there is no amount of internal monologue that will change that fact. If it feels like they are intentionally hurting you, and it sits within their pattern of behavior, then chances are it was done in a calculated way to get at you. Your feelings and intuitions are there for a reason, use them.

Take hold of an opportunity and ask for clarity. If they brush you off, then it may very well have been intentional and you will need to address that with them when you are ready. If they give you an offhanded comment or attempt to push it back on you then again, it is something that you need to take note of for a conversation later on down the line. Remember, no one has the right to tell you how you feel. If you feel that something is wrong then trust that and look into it, just to be sure.

9. Try to Trust Them

If you have spoken to your sibling and they appear genuinely remorseful, then you should at least try to trust them. Trust might be something that you have a hard time with given the track record of your relationship, but it is something that you should attempt. Don’t fall for an apology that lacks feeling, go with your gut on that one, but giving them the benefit of the doubt may be a much needed olive branch. You should continue to have boundaries and guard yourself when you feel most vulnerable around them but in the long run they may surprise you and change their ways. If they say they will try to change yet continue to do the exact things they apologized for then trusting them probably isn’t something that you need to visit at that time.

10. Say Goodbye

It is always hard to cut family out of your life but if all of your other efforts at reconciliation have failed then cutting ties completely might be your only option. Don’t do this lightheartedly, it is important that you put effort into the situations as well, but we all know that there are some things that can’t be savaged no matter how hard we try. If you do decide that saying goodbye is what needs to happen you’ll want to get your reasoning out in the open.

Use this as an opportunity to speak your peace, let your sibling know what they have done and why you have come to this decision. You don’t want to leave yourself with stones unturned so make sure that you get all of your feelings out there before you stop taking their calls. In the end, wishing them the best of luck and closing that door may be your key to freedom and better mental health.

 

Have you had to deal with a toxic sibling in your life? Psych2Go would like to hear from you! Please leave a comment below with anything you found helpful in your own toxic sibling situation.

If you liked this then you may also like these other articles from Psych2Go:

10 Ways to Deal with Toxic Parents 

 

Resources:

Hardy, Chrissa. “How To Deal With A Toxic Sibling Who Is Getting Under Your Skin.” Bustle, Bustle, 25 Feb. 2016, www.bustle.com/articles/141848-how-to-deal-with-a-toxic-sibling-who-is-getting-under-your-skin. Retrieved October 27, 2017

Streep, Peg. “8 Strategies for Dealing With the Toxic People in Your Life.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 14 Dec. 2016, www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-dealing-the-toxic-people-in-your-life. Retrieved October 27, 2017

Weiss, Suzannah. “How to Deal With a Toxic Sibling.” Glamour, Glamour Magazine, 11 Aug. 2016, www.glamour.com/story/toxic-sibling. Retrieved October 27, 2017

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  1. I have a younger sister who is toxic. She exhibits many narcissistic personality traits and those of a sociopathic nature (though never diagnosed).
    She puts on a facade whereby she would act like my friend and biggest supporter, only to talk a bunch of garbage behind my back. She’s alienated family from me with her victim stance, she’s blamed me for her marital problems and gross husband, etc. She always needs to be the center of attention, and when she’s not, she lashes out. Her last rampage was 14 hours of texts to me calling me a liar, making light of domestic violence, and lying about the fact that she was stirring up drama with my ex (which also put my kids in danger). That’s when I was done. #10 all the way! She’s since tried to suck me back in and contact my oldest child, but none of us are having it. The rest of the family, her friends, her husband… They can all have her and learn on their own. No more for me!

    1. Same!!! Our youngest sibling has turned all others, including our parents against us. She makes up things we said and has trashed us for 20 years to everyone that will listen. When we stand up to her, she gets our parents and other signings on her gang wagon and against us. She’s ruined our life.

    2. I have the same problem! My younger sister calls me down for over everything, all the time everyday. She hates me and tried to get others to see what she sees, but when they don’t, she calls me messed up, and fake and that I am hiding who I “really” am. When really she oppresses who I really am. Shes so mean to me for no reason and tried to make me feel bad for her. I wish I could make this **it go away and go back to having an normal, fun home life.

      1. I have a younger brother who constantly bullied me for being gay growing up he became more aggressive towards me later he developed a mental issue and he threw me to the walls physically abused me for being a punch bag. He doesn’t like my friends and I can’t say anything to him because it falls on me my parents don’t want me to say anything triggering to him is hell here can any of you image what it’s like to live with a virus who’s your own family 😭😭😭 he’s too attached to me too he can’t handle life alone he’s to much but I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. My Dad tells me to let it ride don’t let the shit he says bother you-My dad says but it hurts afterwards

    3. You’ve done the right thing – my god it’s so hard I’ve had to cut my daughter off completely because of the abuse but now my youngest daughter who lived abroad has come home ( she left to get away from her sister) & she’s now trying to manipulate her again ! Plus my ex husband is just as narcissistic who has socialised her growing up – which is why we divorced ! So god love her she has a dad & sister – and I’m free but I just want her to be free too – your story rang true for me & I know it’s been a long HARD road to get to your decision God bless you all xx

  2. I have 2 toxic siblings. Both younger. The youngest one, after we did some family counseling around another issue that we needed to resolve (settling our mother’s estate) had always hated me, it turned out, much to my surprise, for the usual childhood squabbles, and has never been really capable of letting go of what she claims was hurtful behavior. She of course, did not remember or acknowledge her typical childhood behaviors, which I had also found difficult, but had long forgotten and forgiven. Even the therapist found her attitude to lack hindsight and maturity – not the exact words she said, but the gist was clear. The other sister is super nice in person, and spreads ugly rumors about me behind my back. Neither will talk to me about anything that’s wrong in person. I have helped both out, at crucial times in their lives, babysitting late nights when one sister was finishing her degree, even though she lived far from my home and I had to rise early for my job, and offering the other a place to live for several months (and I did not ask for help with rent or bills) during 2 breakups from boyfriends, when she had little money and no job. There were countless other smaller times when I was more than happy to help out. However those appear to have been meaningless and interestingly, I am the one who is treated as if she is toxic, because I have walked away when I was made the butt of jokes, or screamed at, etc…. It has taken me years to come to terms with their behaviors, and it has been painful and hard to have no immediate family. I have worked through it in large part, but it has taken alot of therapy and letting go of any hope of reconciliation or understanding, and perhaps that is best, given how much water is under the bridge now.

    1. Sorry to hear. Sometimes, the people closest to us can be the most damaging. Hope you find your peace and surround yourself with loving people! 🙂

  3. During my parents’ divorce, I was made the defacto child carer for my little sister while my parents focused on their own issues In and of itself this would not have been so bad, but both undermined my position constantly. when I backed off, as a result, I was given 7 shades of hell for it by both. My little sister caught onto this and used it as a way to cause havoc in the family, and both parents normalized this an awarded it.I washed my hands of it all in my second year of university, when my sister’s constant dropping out of school was blamed on me. If only I was a better brother. I moved out of the country just to not have them drop in.

  4. im 16 turning 17 this year and my sister is 17 turning 18. She always gives me the silent treatment when she is angry with me and does not even tell me what I have done wrong.we have to share a room unfortunately and this just creates tension.she has given me the silent treatment for up to a month and just makes things awkward.my parents are aware but she is just so stubborn we can’t really do much.although she is 18 she acts so immature so most of the time I feel like Im the older one .im going to uni in about a year and 5 months.also to mention we are quite close.should I try to resolve the problem or just disconnect myself from her because I’m tired of always being hurt.

    1. Just simply tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk but it’s up to her if she wants a decent mature relationship for both of you. You can’t work miracles and perhaps accepting her for who she is is a kindness both to her and yourself. Leave her to it. Get on with your own life….it’s tough enough out there without having the responsibility of making her happy. You’re parents do t seem to want to resolve the issue and maybe they have more knowledge regarding her moods than they let on. But if they won’t take the responsibility of trying to resolve the issue then certainly you should back off and look to your future. Good luck.

  5. My younger sister is toxic. I actually have her saved in my phone as ‘Jellyfish! Watchout!’ on account of all the stings i get when i have contact with her. We have a malignant narcissistic mother which has shaped the dynamics of our family to be toxic. And although i don’t believe my sister to be narcissistic i believe there is a lot of learnt behavior as she is my mothers biggest fan. I would like to go no contact, but i stay in contact because she has x3 children whom i believe will need me when they come of age. I keep the contact to a minimal but even then it is rather difficult when having to stand up for yourself all the time and enforcing boundaries (particularly when you don’t see some of the swipes coming). I live several thousand miles away from all of my family as the distance creates peace for me. I have also come off social media and instant messaging recently after realizing how much stress their behavior causes me. It has been liberating. I think it gets more difficult the older you get, as tolerance levels reduce and i see all the other great connections in my life.
    I have lost much of my life being stressed, upset, lack of sleep, crying, confused, angry. It is now time for me to look after myself and part of that is by being away from them.

  6. All great advice, however, what I need to know is, what do you do when you still have to “work” with the toxic sibling? I have 2 sisters, a twin and a younger sister. My fraternal twin is the toxic one. I am pretty sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Our parents passed away and now we co-own a summer house that has been in my father’s family for generations. It is very important to all of us so selling is not an option. We have to take care of it together and navigate staying there over the summer months. It was neglected for about 10 years in between our parents deaths as my mother had dementia and wouldn’t let us do anything (long story). It needs a lot of work. My toxic sister has made doing this a living hell! She has to have everything her way. She is incapable of compromise. Whenever someone else is talking it is obvious she is not actually listening, just thinking of what she wants to say in reply. I have finally learned to walk away when she starts yelling and being irrational but it is very difficult to get anything done because she does this a lot. Any tips for how to negotiate with someone who doesn’t want to listen to anyone else? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I cannot find anything about this topic. Thank you!

  7. I have an extremely toxic older sister. She will do or say anything to make me look bad. This sibling happens to have a daughter that I’m very close to. This makes my sister very jeolous and I feel it is the reason she spreads lies about me, especially to her daughter. The amazing thing is my niece and I are on the same page when it comes to her mom spreading the lies… We both know the lies and stories are false and just a ploy to get her daughter and my other siblings to hate me. It is emotionally exhausting for me and as of this writing I have distanced myself from her. Her cohort in crime is my oldest sister who is also extremely toxic… Together they can twist a story into what they want to believe and pass that story between each other. I have also distanced myself from her. For whatever reason, they are both so jeolous of me that it had caused them the pain it takes to lie compulsively about whatever I do or say. I’ve tried talking/ reasoning with them, to know avail. I decided I won’t allow it to continue any more so the only way to do that was to stay away from them. Personally I feel it all started when we were young children when my mother made us compete for her attention and turned us all against each other. It is a very sad situation to have to keep yourself away from your siblings but being near them is like running your finger quickly over a flame… You never know if you’ll get burned and I’m tired of taking that chance.

  8. I have one older sister, no other siblings…my sister is so highly toxic and controlling, there is not time to thoroughly discuss her here. Nutshell, I would do anything for her, and she claims she’d do the same for me, but that is entirely untrue. The only thing I strive for over the years is basic respect and that I have some voice. To this day, she has created the highest level of dysfunction for everyone around her, in the family and in each of our homes. If she is not happy, and she is the most miserable woman on the planet from untreated trauma she refuses to help herself heal from, no one around is allowed to be happy or breathe. She sucks the air out of the room and does not have one ounce for self awareness. Because, inside she’s a house of cards, ready to crumble. It is very standard for a toxic person to deflect and tell you you are “hurting their feelings” by sharing your own!

    She is the elephant in the room no one will confront, the school yard bully that takes too much work to deal with, and the only one that matters in life first before all others. I’ve tried to ‘call her out’ at all costs, broken ties wit her, forgiven her, let long bouts of time go by with no contact, and forgiven her, let it go only to fee regret over doing so…and so on. My mother is gone, my father is gone, her husband has been emasculated to no end, my daughter feels sorry for her, my son won’t speak to her, her only child (my niece) has lost her parental authority with her own children because of my sister’s control, and she is a MEAN miserable woman every single moment of her life.

    Lastnight was her Birthday. She asked me to go dinner with them, I said okay. I came to the dinner with about ten gifts, vowing to let things go alas. When I got there, she stayed glued to her cell, I had’t seem her for 6 weeks! Not even a “how are you” came from her. She gets up leaves me sitting in the restaurant alone to have a cigarette, I go outside to join her, she stays a second and leaves me outside. I go in, she insists I hurry and order my drink, she insists on not wanting to talk about my recently deceased nephew whose service I missed because she wouldn’t get me from the airport. And then criticized my dinner order choice, when my niece and the rest of the group arrived, she excluded me from their conversations and snapped at me after I revealed she should have called me during a recent move to check on us, as I would never have ignored a move of hers. She stormed out after a millisecond…causing a scene. No one at the table said shit. There you go. That’s my sister’s daily M.O. I cried all night mad at myself for showing up for that!! Now here I am holding the shit-show that is my sister…

  9. i come from a demanding family im the second youngest of nine and i had to cut all my siblings out and my dad.. i had to leave home because they were so toxic.

  10. My sister had had eratic behavior since we were young . I am going to be 70 and I’m really sick of her mean texts .
    Presently she lost some weight so now she wants to hold that over my head to make herself better than me .
    Accusing me of worshiping doctors totally cracked me up . I am a nurse ; we don’t worship doctors .
    And now I have an arthritic knee and she said she would flip tables if I had surgery !

  11. I experienced email exchanges that didn’t go well when I tried to leave my domestic violence religious abuser husband who was a former wife beater. I fled to my sisters house and she let me stay a night but in the morning she pried into my situation with husband and told me I needed to work it out I said 3 agencies said he was an abuser. She wouldn’t believe me. I was hysterical about going back so I got upset and fled down the street. She wrote several days later setting her limits against my anger saying if I came to that house, I needed to be calm.

    Later she said I deserved homelessness after I left my husband. She would not help me and told me her own story about just seeing the positives to stay with her abusive husband. My brother joined in. Both thought I was the problem and I was the abuser.

    I’d try to explain by email and after a while they would write and verbally abuse I kept trying to explain. They tried to get my daughters in on their side.

    My brother supported her and did not belie me. They both put me down

    12 years later, I tried to reconnect with brother but issues were not talked about.

    My mom 40 years ago had emotionally and verbally abused me. I was made scapegoat. Sister and brother joined with her. They don’t hear me. I’ve lost a lot of living time explaining. I have ptsd.

    What should I do?

  12. I’m a middle child , have older sister and younger brother. My anger is off the charts. My hate for my sister and brother cannot be measured. Sister conned brother into committing the worst deceitful lie that has ever been done to me. Because of sister my family can never heal. I can honestly confess I never thought I could be so disrespected deceived and lied to and used in such a way that for over a year I was used and was never informed after sister begged and begged me to take care of our mother and she has the POAs changed behind my back and I never was notified for almost 2 years she had conned brother into helping her revolk my rights to my family and I was left with the belief that she embezzled the inheritance money. The only thing I want is to see sister and brother suffer a slow dying sickness and there’s no one qualified to help them. I would stand and proudly watch them die before my eyes. Hate is so ugly. Time is not going to make this one better…..

  13. I dont know what to do, Im only 14 years old and my sister is 12 I have tried some all of these options except for the ones I cant and I dont feel safe living at home anymore but I dont know what to do because I still wanna go to the same school and I dont wanna leave my parents, but I cant live with her anymore. She is so toxic and has tortured me to the point of no end and I cant stand it anymore. She is the reason behind 3 out of 4 of my suicide attempts and when I think back, most of my childhood pain is because of her. I dont know what to do except wait till im 16 and live in my car.

  14. I have a sister that is super immature and she is married to a guy that has never worked a day in his life and doesn’t have a drivers license and is now so lazy that he has ballooned to 300lbs. We have helped her out in the past financially and she has never even made an attempt to repay us after she defaulted on a loan that we co-signed on. She doesn’t keep a clean household and has many pets so I don’t feel like I can go visit her home. I have nothing in common with her other than shared parents and in conversations it’s always about her needing affirmation because since she’s never done anything with her life she somehow needs it. It’s always the same story they are going to buy a house but the deal always falls through because they get themselves into a situation that is unreal. And she somehow always turns the conversation about her and how much she’s trying but I don’t see it. It’s like she lives I. An alternate universe that if she dreams about something it will fall i her lap. I’m cordial to her but I’m just done with trying to have a relationship she is just oblivious on normal common sense. I have extreme guilt over my embarrassment of her because she has now lost teeth amd doesn’t take care of herself. She has never been there for me emotionally as a normal sibling. Heck I would rather take a normal sister that can be catty at times She also has other people living with them and now my parents invite all these other moochers to our family events. When I have a family event I invite my sister and her husband but not the extended people. I have extreme guilt that I don’t have anything in common and that somehow I’m not the one trying hard enough. It’s not like she is mean or is a drug addict. Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?

  15. I have a sister, who is also my boss. She is text-book toxic boss & sister, both our parents have passed. I too have been made to feel the “toxic” one, she discounts my efforts every chance she gets & claims “I didn’t know it upset you,” despite too numerous to count conversations advising my feelings. I haven’t tried the counseling route because I thought…hmmm, is this such an issue to take to counseling after 60+ years?…I guess it is. I have to say many many thanks to your articles, references & the comments…all so helpful. I

  16. I have a sister, she is number 4. I was the youngest, since young she sees me as her rival (my other siblings quite less tense than her).

    I used to follow her around because we have almost same age, she just 3 years older than me. We used to play around despite the fact that she hates me (because I am the youngest, she wants to be the youngest but since I born in this world, she looked that her place was taken by me and no more special treatment for her).

    I used to loss argument with her every time because I don’t want to lose her, she is like my mentor but she is bullying. She used verbal abused and always cross the boundaries because she is older than me. I have zero authority.

    She only being nice to me when she needs something from me. When I said no, she’s turned against me and using my mistake to break me down. It always make me down. There is one day, she is very crossed the line when she keeps saying I have no future if I keep behaving like this.
    I was hurt because I got rejected from job interview and she didn’t ask how am I, she just constantly angry to me because I need her help. I swear that is the last time I need her help. I hate when she refused to say she want to help because of dad.

    I tried to use this topic but she always change the subject and use my past or my position against me. We never reach that topic because she keeps avoiding it.

    I give her silent treatment because there is no way I can have “real talk” to her if she keeps divert the conversation.

    Unfortunately, my dad didn’t give me permission to move out and it kind of hurts me because we can feel cringy, intense atmosphere every time we at home.

    I am very hate doing chores because none of them gives her satisfication. I abandoned one of my chores just want to her to do it since she is damn good.

    I was expecting she will remorsed, but meeh. I wasn’t surprised but feeling sad though. I going to keep this silent treatment because I need time to heal my emotional and mental despite the fact that will never happen because we are living in the same roof.

    Break my leg this year, hoping I got better job for me to move out. If not, hmmph. I better jump into the river.

  17. Recently, my sibling has what I describe as “gone over the edge”. She has declared her three siblings as “dead” to her. We no longer exist. She has shown erratic behavior in the past, this is nothing new but shocking just the same. None of us understand why she is saying these things to us. She has defriended my brother on FB. He was really hurt. And blocked his phone and email. This behavior showed itself after her complaints of feeling over worked and stressed regarding our 85 year old mother. Our mother owns the company her husband manages. He is well compensated and the company thrives in every way. My sibling is acting threatened and insecure but also evil and hateful. She has told us to never contact her again, ever. I don’t plan to contact her. I have defended her always and tried to understand her point of view and her weaknesses. She drinks regularly, she is impulsive. I fear she will eventually hurt herself. I have stated this to her husband in a kind way. He has ignored me. My adult sister is self consumed and lives 20 minutes from our mother, we have all chosen to live elsewhere and must fly to her area in California. We visit often but do not live nearby, we telephone, Skype and be as much a part of our mother’s life as possible. She recently fell down a flight of stairs and is recovering from this horrific accident. She looked into living in an assisted care situation, my sister insists this will bankrupt she and her husband, however my mother who owns the company has her own ability to pay for her living arrangements. My sister is basically a crazy person who needs serious help and is causing chaos in all of our lives. I am recovering from open heart surgery just a few weeks ago. She has contacted my adopted daughter and said it is “lucky” she has none of my blood and hopes she will end up on the “right” side of things. She picks this time to act out and be ridiculous causing more stress and actually calling me “dead”. Unbelievable. I have chosen to ignore her antics and pretend she doesn’t exist as well. Anyone with a similar situation. I need some support in this. Thank you.

    1. I have acutally chosen to go no contact after my oldest sister who was planning my younger sisters wedding – intentionally – did not invite my family to the wedding. I was so hurt with everyone, I just cut that side of the family out of my life for a long time. We were raised by a mother who had NPD and she was the oldest, more exposed – I suppose – to that negative personailty. I have so many memories of toxic treatment growing up, that it pains me to this day to think about it. Fast forward several years later, my son gets married and I decide to invite them all to the wedding and after a year of her trolling my social network accounts (we were trying to reconnect on all levels), I could just read into her passive agressive comments and then all the triggering started happening all over again. I am better not having any contact with this person as everything I say or do is met with envy and criticism. I suspect she was even taking screen shots of my posts and feeding them to our Narc of a mother. Back to no contact…it’s really (in our situations) the best way.

  18. My sibling is very critical of my social media activity, always taking every opportunity to ridicule my posts and followers/friends in front of me to other family members and my spouse too. My sibling also comments negatively on my clothing and appearance. It has now got so bad I have deleted my social media accounts and have severely limited the time we spend together and don’t know what else to do about it really. Your article made for interesting and useful reading.

  19. I have a younger sister, and I really don’t know what to do anymore In terms of having a common ground . I’m 23 and she’s 18. There were a series of events that had taken place through our childhood where our parents would always take her side . An this was due to that fact that she was born pre-maturely and the majority of doctors told my parents that she wouldn’t make it past a couple of month and she did she’s alive . But she’s absolutely disgusting to be around my parents let her get away with everything and anything She shows naccarastic tendencies and she can manipulate a situation she’s only nice when she wants somethings and never has consideration for my feelings , when she doesn’t get her way she’ll give the silent treatment or she’ll start slamming doors she’ll go out of her to make sure she’s disgusted by my presence. An when she’s really mad she’ll start to act on racially biased terms it mostly because I look more like our heritage then she does, an majority of her friends share her point of view that certain people should be treated a certain way . She has never said anything racist to me but sometimes she’ll state that specific term an I’d be like but I go under that term. But When we’re around family She’s completely a different person . An every time I set a boundary I feel she senses it and starts acting normal the moment everything seems to be fine she goes back to being disgusting. It makes me angry all the time and my parents and my sister know that I’ve even voiced it to the point of where it’s has become agonizing . I sometimes feel like my angers either amuses her or she uses it to validates why she normalize her behaviour and when I get really really mad she uses it as valaidtes why she can treat me like crap.
    I’m too the point where I just hate her . I wish I was never her sister I can’t stand her she has to be the worst that has ever happened to me . When I talk to people who I thought I could trust they’re response is almost always your older. I’m getting tired of dealing with someone who’s just mean . I meantly don’t know where to go from here .

  20. My sister and I are 13 months apart. She’s the oldest. We have really never gotten along. We, I think, are really opposites. I’m more easy going when it comes to “ time, when going places, having holidays; not setting up exact times to sit down to eat, etc.. I like to just go with the flow. We r both retired now. I’m divorced and she lost her spouse, unfortunately, one dad half years ago. When it comes to temperaments she flies off the handle quicker than I do. I won’t go into all the situations she done this in public; but has yelled st her deceased spouse put in public; screamed at her children; at me and embarrassed herself many times.. and really just doesn’t “ get it”! I confronted her a few times in as gentle as I can about situations and issues that had “ hurt” my feelings. No matter how gentle I say things to her ; she has a come back that is always attacking me in s manner that is do personal that ends up not sticking to the “ main issue” to begin with. She ends up pulling me into verbal abuse state with her; which I keep stressing in emails “ let’s stick to the topic” but she ends up pulling up the past, calls me names, pulls me through the mud, starts cussing at me.. it becomes so earth shaking horrific that I have to block her from all media of mine!! This has gone on for many many years. Now our Mother is soon to be 95. ( Her and our mother fought horribly too for years; my sister really says she hates her yet she sees her more than I do in the nursing home ( of course she and my brother looking forward to the day she died because of the inheritance!)today was yet another horrible emailing fight because all I asked her was to “ have my back over a rumor that was said to her about me “! She as my sister wouldn’t stand up for me to a lie that was said to her! Is it wrong for me to ask her in a loving way to stand up for me? Why in the world would she get outraged at my request ? It went from that to her telling me she would hope that my recent illness of stomach pains would bring me to my death!!
    OMG., I told her she had huge issues ( and an anger management course/ therapy would do her good! She acts like she’s my Mother when it comes to my spending; constantly giving me way too much advice when I don’t want it need it!!
    On and on she goes about how alone she is.. well I live alone too and I’m ok. She gets upset if I go out with my adult sons and ex spouse .. she doesn’t understand why I don’t invite her?! I told her she doesn’t invite me when she gird out with her family and it doesn’t bother me at all; so why does it bother her so much??! So this is really getting out of hand.. is it just me??
    Please give me feed back.. my Doctor told me I need to really back away from the stresses and my girlfriends told me to ease away from her too.. she really has other friends she can see but she’s grabbing hold of me too tight!! It’s scyuslly making me “ physically ill now “!’
    Need advice!
    Ro

  21. The problem starts from here that ever time she taunts me about my position and I am the useless person, calling me names but if I say anything , shows her unworthy attitude, bursting up, the conflict goes on and making snarky and harsh comments on me when I am not around , I don’t understand why is that so. The main reason is that she personally thinks that I am jealous of her. How can I justify that I am not obsessing over her or even hating her. Regardless the fact I doesn’t give a shit what she thinks of me but the main hurdle is it somehow hurts me, destroys my inner peace and is never remorseful , in the end of the day we have to keep moving on without letting it bothers.

    1. that’s what my mom tells me, to keep moving on and not let him bother me but it’s so fucking hard my god, my brother literally torments me everyday I just cannot have peace.

  22. I have 6 sibling including me and I’m the fifth child . I was very closed to my elder sister who is 1 year older than me and younger sister who is the 1 year younger than me. So we are the last 3 kids in our family. I rented a house for my mom and my younger sisters since my mom asked because she unable to live with my father who has mistress whole over the world. and also my three elder sibling lived their own life which I feel happy for them. Our plan was to share the expenses while I pay only rental which is a huge amount. but mys sisters dont want pay and end of the day i was paying all the expenses till i have no money to spend for myself. While I finished my diploma and sacrified all of my dreams just for them, they were planning to study for degree once finished diploma .
    the best part is they get to choose what the would like to study , where and my father will take care of them. But I will be paying the bills while they will spend their holiday not even spending a penny. One day, when I try to ask them their plan, everything came out from their hatred mind and soul. That’s when I know, they were not happy with me. One that day they were pin pointing all of the small mistakes and things I DID. Obviously they did that too. But i was not taking all that very seriously as they were my siblings. I knew it even break up with your siblings can lead to depression and heart broke. those words they used againts me were so cruel and they never know about me. A person who hates you will find mistake and flaw in everything you do. That’s how my siblings view on me. They were just pretending until I ask them some money to help me out settling bills and their true version came out.
    I did all these for my mother but my mother only care about how I not hurt any of them. Of course my mom loves all of her kids. At the end of the day, I’m the only person who is hurt, broken and to make use of. After that fine day, I decided to keep distance with them, less talking(even I’m a person who loves to talk with my family every single things), no expectation, and not attached emotionally for them.But I’m still stuck.

  23. Please, for the sake of the good advice in this column, check the spelling!! Your advice loses cred when nearly every paragraph contains errors.

  24. Its tough because we all have friends who we choose to have in our lives.Our family are not chosen.We can only hope we love them but to get along with them is much harder sometimes.If I think about my sisters and pretend I met them socially and ask myself what I would think of them I’m sorry to say I would give each of them a wide birth for one reason or another.So I will just love them and leave them.

  25. uhm my brother for sure knows he hurts me (emotionally of course) but that kinda fuels the fire I guess. his everyday goal is to make me cry and he succeeds? every moment of the day he finds a moment to get me uncomfortable or ruin my mood. one day I got my first phone an iPhone 8 and we went to the pool later that day, he starts making fun of me because I had a little extra fat on my stomach and ruined my mood. today he has failing grades and constantly talks back to my parents and he just won an iPhone XR and AirPods. also, my parents don’t think he emotionally abuses me, they have tried once or twice to stop him from bullying me everyday but nothing works. he literally finds any way to irritate me. it’s to the point I want to run away and I know that sounds cliche but nowadays I just lock myself in my room all day while he gets praised by my parents. I fucking hate living in this house, we’re suspecting that my dads cheating on my mom for the 4th time and I’m just a middle child that literally no one cares about. welp, as u can tell my childhood has been amazing so far. (I’m 13)

  26. I have a older sister that is 3 years older then me . She makes me do everything for her the remote could be by her and she tells me to go get it when I’m doing homework . If I don’t do it she says she’s going to take away my privileges of watching kpop . So I’m pressured to do it . I could do nothing and she hits me I don’t know what to do anymore she gives me no options on what to do I could ask for help and she doesn’t respond. I could get one b on my report card and she call me a faliure to this family . I don’t know why does this . She only does this to me and not my younger sister which is 3 years younger then me . My younger sister also hits me . I’ve tried walking away so many times I’ve given up I’m waiting to actually have a free life not controlled by both of my siblings . I could bump into her violin when we’re walking home and right when we’re home she went up to me and told me why I did that so I stayed silent . Then she threw my beats headphones at my glasses and the glasses and beats broke the. She took the beats and locked herself in her room I sat there crying for hours about what I did .

  27. I won’t give you my specific age but I will say I am an early teenager. My sister is now turned 18 and has been tormenting me ever since I started my first day in kindergarten. It would be little things at first, where she would get annoyed at me (as older sisters would at that age, having to deal with their little sister), but it gradually turned graver. Whenever I acted like myself, bubbly and eccentric (to a certain degree), she would degrade me and call me an attention seeker, looking back I do think that one of the reasons were because all of the attention was on me since I am the younger sibling. It did become worse where she would try and get under my skin and mock everything I would do, to the point that to this day I suppress my personality so I don’t get insulted or treated even more like scum. She has disrespected our parents, made my mother feel hopeless and my father just frustrated that it was happening. Now after that phase and she is 18, she has a stronger relationship with our dad and its gotten better with my mum, but I still feel that since I’m of “younger status” that I am the “runt” in our family that she thinks she has every right to knock me, verbally abuse me, insult my friends and now it has gone to the extent of cyber bullying. I had blocked her on social media and this morning she had gone off at me, saying that I should be bullied and that I deserve to be bullied. Our father was their and when I replied back was when he told us both to shut up. she told him that I was being “retarded” for trying to have fun with my Instagram account. These were the EXACT words that came out of his mouth, “Yes but I am sick of you two bickering so shut up the pair of yous.” My father had subconsciously sided with my sister after she aggressively shown acts of bullying and made no movement of standing up for me when I can’t do it myself. Our mother was in the shower at the time so she couldn’t help pick me up and dust me off. I told her on our drive to my Nan’s house and told her not to confront my sister because I would get even more backlash and hate. When I came home tonight and sitting on the couch I looked out the window of our alcove and she stuck the middle finger up and mouthed f*ck you to me. Again I ignored it because what am I supposed to do? I’m scared that every movement I make, every word I say, She will verbally hurt me. I fear that one day it might become physical.

    I can’t leave and go on a drive somewhere because I’m not old enough for my drivers license and I can’t go to my room because we share a bedroom as well. I want to cut all ties off with her immediately but I can’t because we live under the same roof. I’m thinking of going to the counselling that is provided at my high school. I wanted to make sure that this is a serious issue to talk the counsellors about or not?

  28. i have a younger sister (13) who is extremely toxic. i guess the toxicity could be partly my fault, but when should people be held accountable for their own actions ? anyway. she finds any and every reason to tell on me for doing anything because she deems it as a way of getting revenge. i could be talking to a boy on an app and she’ll twist it around and make me a bad guy and desperate girl needing attention. her attitude is extremely foul and she loves to play victim when she’s in the wrong. she never says sorry for anything and loves to guilt trip you into thinking that you are the problem when in reality it’s her. she needs help but i’m tired of putting myself in positions to play god and save the day. a lecture turns into an argument and the issues never end. it’s turned into a feat at this point, but doing #10 would seem harsh. she’s a nasty human being but she has no one to tell her problems to. i think she’s bipolar as well as spoiled but nothing is going to change now if it’s been going on for this long

  29. I have a toxic and very crazy sister who is a controller.
    She always wants things her way.
    If she doesn’t get it she explodes on everyone around her.
    She has destroyed my life my marriage and my relationships.
    She is very mental.
    I tried several times to work things out with her and she doesn’t seem to want to change.
    My wife and I fight contact about it.
    My marriage is on strain over this.
    My wife is seeking councel for stress.
    I am driving golf balls for tension because of her craziness.
    Please let me know what we can do.
    I can’t even see my neice or nephew.
    She has controlled them to hate everyone who doesn’t see her way.
    It’s hard to deal with it anymore.
    My wife of 12yrs is finally saying to me she can’t take it anymore because of my toxic sister.
    My parents are controlled by her by the money thrown at them. It’s sick and humiliating.
    Please let me know what I can do?

  30. My wife and I fight constant about this.
    Whenever holidays parties or family gathers
    Is coming up or happening.
    We are never present because of my toxic crazy sister.
    It’s horrible that she has put us through this.
    She refuses any help and she is brainwashing my family.
    Please tell me my next step for peace of mind.
    I am myself getting counselor help for my stress.
    However that’s not enough.

  31. I have an elder sibling (sister) whom I hate her alot. I was in 6th when she left for college and since then I live with my parents. She used to visit twice a year and slowly things started getting terrible. She had her own fancy life. She used to come like a guest and sat all day like a stuffed toy. She helped no one in the house. My mom would use to do cleaning and dusting in front of her all tired but she wouldn’t give a fcuk! She sat shamelessly never offering a helping hand. God please punish her. Sometimes even if I pushed her by mistake she would make a issue on it. She would just shout and yell and pretend how bad I am that I hit her. She is just terrible. Don’t know how to deal with such toxic sibling. Talking to parents has never been an option because they are always busy in fighting and as a result abusing me. God bless me!

  32. I am 13 and getting verbally abused by my sister. I always try and tell me, parents, I can’t and it, even the one I think would help me most in the situation. They don’t seem to care much, and always tell me to ‘calm down’ and don’t do anything about it. if it’s someone getting punished, it’s ME. Somtimes when I cry they tell me to be quiet, and ask ‘what are you crying for?’. what do I do? I have nobody to talk to. I’ve even considered multiple times packing my bags and leaving. Help me, please. This has gone on for as long as I can remember. Please, Help me.

  33. My toxic silblings is my elder brother ,He is so rude to me. He always treat me like a servant, the only reason is u r younger than myself ,so u should do everything.He always said to me u ‘re like a loser. I was cleaned up his eaten dinner plates , I ‘m also wash even his underwear ,He is mother’s love,My mother love him more than me.So, he always used to asking fevers his house works to me.I was so angry but I didn’t show any angry reaction ,In my mind , he is my brother ,I must be obey his words. He always said so worst words to me , Sometimes I spent with Korea Drama coz I like it, When I watch this ,He said u’re doing non opportunities works, u are useless .I started to afraid to watch my korea drama ,Kpop songs, I can be yelling from him. He used to toxics words to me every single time I’m watching them.My enjoyable time are gone. My favourite Artists singer group , he also said they are gay and laughing out loud too much .One day , I can’t accept his reaction ,I was out of my mind and I ‘m also yelling and talk that you are so mean and rude to me. You are so toxics words to said me even if a small problem , I don’t wanna get anymore ,I am a human too, and then he treat me like a stranger, like disgusting to see me , at first I’m so sorrow and get depression but I need to let it go ,I cry a lot but he is no reaction for our fight and treat like we are stranger,And he said we are done for this life,u and I are nothing ,Don’t even come my funeral , we are done, Our problem ,is a just small case, but he ‘s doing like an enemy and there is nothing wrong to myself .The only problem for me ,I faced up the problem with him without afraid.Now, I’m happy , I let him go , we are done in this life ,ok I have done a millions life with you, u are more than wrose than strangers to me.We are blood but sometimes blood is more dangerous than enemy , we need to face up and fight them back coz we are also human .Now ,we don’t talk it’s been a year :)j

  34. My younger sister is toxic, she hits me repeatedly, punching, kicking and slapping me, my parents say shes just “messing around” but its leaving bruises and it hurts and when I tell her to stop she won’t. She victimizes herself, fake crying to my parents and saying I hurt her physically or mentally when I didn’t. Since I’m only a teenager I can’t do half of the stuff on this list like cutting ties, etc. and iv’e tried the other things like setting boundaries, speaking up, etc. and it still won’t stop.

  35. I have a younger sister. We are 4 years apart. I’m 25 and she’s 21. We are really close and are almost like best friends. We spent a lot of time together and do everything together. We have a fun relationship.
    Sometimes I feel like she takes me for granted. I really hate that. I’m older and I want some respect but she says mean things that hurt me a lot. I dont know how to deal with this. I like her a lot. I’m talkative, I crack jokes and we are always laughing. But when she gets angry she forgets how to speak nicely to me. She doesn’t respond when I’m talking and always tells me to behave like an older sister. And when I do, she tells me not to be her mom. My dad always favours her as he thinks I’m the bad influence and never her. My mom knows how she is disrespectful towards me but rarely confronts her. Yes, we fight a lot. But I never say things that’ll hurt her. She told me that she will only respect me if I act like an older sister not because of my age. So just because I have fun and dont act like a teacher/ advisor she wont respect me?

  36. my sister has been going off the rail for a very long time. im 21, and shes 28. shes been on drugs for a few years now and engages in extremely risky behavior frequently. she’s irresponsible and doesn’t even show up to her job sometimes, has terrible credit because she doesnt pay any bills, and has essentially estranged herself from our (very loving) family. she claims it is because no one approves of her life and doesnt understand and constantly judges her which is untrue because our entire family worries about her and just wants the best for her.she refuses to take responsibility for her own actions and blames her mental problems on my parents way of raising us. her latest scheme is dating a man straight out of prison and ‘falling in love’ with him and getting pregnant despite a life time of saying she never wanted kids. since finding out she was pregnant she told our parents they were terrible and dead to her and obviously this causes severe distress and sadness for my parents who have always loved us with everything they had. i dont know what to do. no one can help her until she wants help for herself and i no longer want to even be related to her, she just brings sadness and destruction to our family. over the past year i’ve received numerous texts and calls from her worried friends and ive had to sit in her house and make sure she doesnt try to kill herself for the 10th time. its really hard and i dont know what to do anymore.

  37. I see many people talking about how their toxic siblings are younger than they are, but mine is, unfortunately, older than me. Because of this, numerous times she has tried to use the 2 year age gap to silence my opinions by calling me a kid. I’m going to say that she is literally 15 and I am a 13-year-old middle schooler who wants nothing to do with her. She belittles me by making fun of my skills, interests, and even body shamed me once. She has a huge narcissistic personality and also has a bad case of favoritism. Even though some of her friends like and have some of the same traits I do, she for some reason likes to pick on me for those very same traits her friends have. She would never turn on her friends, and one time when my mom told her that her friends might be a bad influence, she went from 0 to 100 real fast. She is a big fat man child. She stomps up to her room and locks it. She is what any spoiled teenage brat anyone could ever imagine. She makes fun of my older brother for not having a job, even though she’s the most spoiled out of us 4 kids, because almost on average does she ask to go to Ulta and any other makeup store, and on constant begs for expensive drawing supplies (Copic markers and other stupid things) I love to draw, and have always worked hard ever since my cousin taught me at age 5 and my sister at age 7. I can tell you many times where my sister shames my interests and especially my drawings. She is by far the nosiest person and not in the quirky or good way. She would go out of her way to bother me and take my sketchbooks then flip through the pages (without my permission of course), and without ANY constructive criticism, she ALWAYS has something to nitpick about my drawings. She calls them weird and always has to remind me that she doesn’t draw anime anymore and out of nowhere decides to tell me she doesn’t like people with my body type then proceeds to draw an example. She has never called my drawings good and sometimes when she’s proud of her drawings expects me to praise them. She does things because other people do. She purposefully self deprecates her drawings and claims she has a low ego, but no, she doesn’t. She demonstrates that she’s on this high ground because only her interests and skills are better than anyone else’s. Her favorite thing to do is say “ew” every time someone says something about what they like or find interesting. One time I was having a fun conversation with my mom about how my iPad has only 16 GB and how I can’t update my games. I asked my mom why I had so much storage on my phone and not my iPad, and told her my iPad is for games, not my phone. Reminding you, this is a fun conversation between me and my mom. I said, “I can’t update PUBG!” and out of nowhere my sister says, “PUBG sucks.” I told her it doesn’t and that she hasn’t even played it. Then she told me, “Sorry for having an opinion,” in a snarky attitude filled voice, and then proceeded to say, “You don’t have to be a butthole about it. Just because I haven’t played it a lot doesn’t mean (i forgot what she said probably not important because you can already tell she’s an asshole)”, she said that after I told her she obviously hasn’t played enough to get the fundamentals of the game. Of course I’m going to defend something I like, and she has the audacity to call me the butthole even though she literally insulted a game I liked playing? By now, you can already tell the type of person she is after this unwanted encounter with her. FYI, she likes to steal my mouse and play Roblox with her friends. So as you can see, I fucking hate her.

  38. My younger brother has gotten physically voilant with me. It saddens me because I didn’t want to cut ties with him, but right know he is very arrogant and he thinks he is in the right and won’t apologize. I opened my doors to him, to live with me and my older brother so he can become independent I also shared alot of knowledge to him when he first began college. But as I’ve said he doesn’t like being scolded by me and it has gotten to the point were we live in the same place but do not speak. He occasionally will mutter things and try to get aggressive toward me to intimidate me. Mind you I am a 27 year old female and he is a 21 year old male. I just ignore him but the other day an argument started over a led pencil once again and he threw the pencil at my face. I wanna move out on my own and I’m in the planning of it now because I realized that the boy is a little toxic. Now that he knows all the ropes I’ve taught him throughout the years he thinks he is on his high horse and can do no wrong. My question is am I in the wrong if I stop talking to him and move on and focus on myself? The reason i ask is because this isnt the only family member I’ve distanced myself from (some cousins and a coniaving aunt I used to have) ….

  39. My husband is finally coming to see that his family had always dealt with things by screaming and degrading. I watched his dad call down his wife as she was grey with death pallor, and defenseless. This was a late life marriage for me, and I wouldn’t have married had I known how deep this way of coping ran through the family. I had known my husband for 16 years before I married, but not the family , and the first few years were ok. The next 14 were hell, with daily screaming and verbal abuse directed at me. The problem is, now that both parents have passed, my hubby has sought help, has been prescribed meds and is seeking psychiatric help, but his only sibling, a sister, is continuing the pain. I come from a family where I never heard my parents yell, and I find this behavior intolerable. When my fil was dying, my hubby went directly from work , and sat by his bedside until 10PM, 6 days a week. During this time his sister would phone every day and cuss him out, saying he was a useless #$&$#@@$&*. I finally emailed her and told her I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of abuse and drama in my home. She stopped. She and her family, two grown kids, are vulgar, and the son with kids, now separated, is abusive to his two small kids, who are very fond of me. I have heard him threaten to lock them in a closet, and “ you know what.” if they didn’t eat. They were eating and behaving beautifully. I am a retired special ed teacher and kids just love me. We seldom see my sil, only an occasional dinner out, as she can control her behavior in public. We dread Xmas at her place as there is always screaming and very foul language. Last Xmas she started screaming , swearing and yelling “ I hate my effinf family!”. We bailed like rats from a sinking ship. We have continued a tiny relationship with our niece in law, who has been unable to obtain a divorce from our nephew after 5 years, as he keeps throwing up roadblocks. Both the small kids are on meds, which he and his new battle axe of a girlfriend withhold on their weekends with them. We always looked forward to seeing our niece in law, as she was the only normal, civilized one. My husband has never stood up for himself, until today, where sis blamed him for not being more involved in her kid’s lives when he was younger and working a lot out of town. He pointed out that his nephew had never even phoned us, and there was no way we wanted his nasty girlfriend and their foul language in our home. He actually used the word c#$t at the Xmas dinner table. Sil is furious that we had a visit with the mom, kids and her new partner and brand new baby. We found out the expensive gifts we gave them stayed at the dad’s , so I wished to give them their Xmas presents so they could keep them. The kids are being torn apart, used as spies and as sounding boards for their dad and new girlfriend’s anger. They seem to live to torment this young mom. Our niece’s partner, who is wonderful with all 3, has spent $32,000 on legal fees so far, with no firm custody or divorce in sight. Despite his bluster, my hubby is very tender towards his sister, just continues to take abuse from his sis. I wrote his sis, including an article on the importance of extended family during a divorce, explaining that we knew there were 2 sides to every divorce, and that we just wished to see the kids in a non-stressful environment, once or twice a year. We were not interested in gossip, but just wanted to support the the kids, who love us dearly. She steamed that we were not allowed to see the kids again, which is not her call. The police had to be called to get the young son back , as my sil kept him out of school and would not surrender him, as per the agreement. I would be happy to never see her again. My husband has to deal with a lot right now, but I know he is hurting. What is the best way to proceed?

  40. My older brother is not just toxic but evil. He tricked me as to change the password of my computer. Know he has changed it to a password I don’t know. He has always gotten what he wants going to the extreme to get it. He has a xbox,phone,tv,and now a total of 2 laptops. He is just so evil..UGH

  41. My youngest brother and I are at odds at the moment. We were reunited in 2016 after 16 yrs of being apart. We were getting along fine as far as I know, then all of a sudden, he stopped talking/texting with me. I don’t know what I did exactly to warrant it and have tried several times to talk to him and find out what’s wrong. He kept ignoring my texts and then blocked me. What should I do? I love my brother dearly and want to be there for him. I’ve apologized profusely for anything i’ve done (although I don’t know what I did or even didn’t do) but he seems like he just wants to walk away.

  42. I’m dealing with toxic siblings now. I just might have to cut mines completely off. Sad situation.

  43. I have an elder brother who is 15 years old and I just turned 14! It all started about a year ago? About a year and a half I think that I started to completely ignore him cause he had always been verbally and depends physically abusive and it hurt a lot so at the time I thought it’d be smart to completely ignore him like I literally have nothing to do with him at this point but I’m 14 like??? It’s not like I can leave the house cause it seems that me ignoring him not even looking at him has only made things worse I can’t even breathe without him saying something about me and it makes me so mad so frustrated cause I can’t even defend myself I mean I guess he tones it down a little bit when others are around but not really and nobody cares I’ve always been that awkward nobody really cares for child like no one really cares to hear about me you know? So I don’t depend on them but its got so bad his stupid comments that I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself this much but I can’t talk about it I don’t talk about it and when I dont talk to him all my mom says my other brother my sister whoever that I’m stupid and I need to just get over it and I’ve tried I really have I wish things could be normal but at the same time I don’t cause he’s cause me so many problems emotionally and even physically and I honestly don’t know what to do even if I tried talking about it to my mom she’d probably get mad at me and tell me not to be such a pussy or something that I’ve been the one causing problems this whole time and for no reason :(( I’m tired though I just want to be able to be comfortable in my home again I want to not fucking cry thinking about all this for once I have nowhere else to go since I’m homeschooled so I don’t have friends and I’m not allowed out of the house! It’s really hard but I really hope that you know one day the sun will shine again! cause there’s only so much one person one child at that can take. Oh would you look at that she’s mad at me again right now for not paying attention to when my brother texts her back :)) fun times

  44. I have a sister that is very toxic! She wants everyone to like her. She belittles me to others especially if they like me. If someone compliments me she will work her evilness to alter their opinion. She’s very active in the church, and she’s has everyone thinking that she’s the sweetest thing on earth. Her manipulation caused my baby sister to have severe mental issues. She very envious, jealous hearted person, but she has my pastor and oldest sister fooled, and don’t see that.

  45. I have an older sister who is very cruel.
    She doesn’t care about anyone but herself. She seems to take advantage and doesn’t care if she is hurting anyone. Mentally or Physically.

    She has gotten to me to the point of making me feel like there is no other option other than giving her a taste of her own medicine or taking action physically. However, I don’t think I will ever hurt her physically.

    When she is with her friends at school, she seems to have a lot of confidence in talking about me behind my back as she has got her friends to stand up for her. I believe some times she leaks things about me that I don’t want to share with the rest of the school and she doesn’t seem to care. At home, she will every now and then, try to annoy me and try to make me frustrated for no reason other than enjoyment and pleasure.

    It makes me depressed at times and makes me want to just sit and my room and not come out. I can get very frustrated at times but I cannot do anything towards her as she tends to dob me in or just start getting upset deliberately to get me into trouble.

    All I want is to have some tips as to what to do when she is like this. I want to be able to stand up for myself without harming her. I can be very smart with my words and can be very smart when insulting people in arguments even though it isn’t a very nice thing to do. But I just want to stand up for myself.

  46. I will try try and make this brief.
    I lived and worked on my mom and dads farm for 50 years,my mom and dad passed,my parents left a will,they put in a lease for me ,to stay on farm for 29 years,like a 29 year lease,all 4 of us all all equal owners,
    My sisters are suing me,to sell the property,this has gone on for 4 years,
    They won the first round,in local court,and now appealed to Harrisburg court.
    This has been very difficult trying to deal with this,in a lot of ways,this is all about money.

  47. My sister is a horrible person. But she has had a horrible life all her life. She had unspeakable things happen to her. I tried to be there for her for 40 years, but the hurt she has inflicted on me and others is real and I finally had to to divorce myself from her entirely. Now I understand she is in a desperate way, she can’t walk and is in a nursing home. Not a nice one either. Her daughter and I tried to get her in a nice nursing home, but my sister decided she knew better and killed the deal. The story of her life. She tried to sue her daughter who was taking care of her despite resentment she had toward her, and that was the last straw for the daughter. She has cut her off completely. As much as I can’t stand my sister, I feel horrible for her situation, but I just dread starting a relationship with her. A year ago I tried to have a relationship and she latched on to me would not leave me alone, wanted me to get her daughter to give her money, wanted money from me, and would not allow me to set boundaries, so I ended it once again. I feel terrible for her, I don’t want to have a relationship at all. What do I do?

  48. I have a older sister a 11 year difference apart. Everytime we try to get along and just be siblings and push through our situations that’s happening in the family. She keeps doing things I don’t like and I already told her. Like acting like a child when she’s literally 32. Pulling on me, saying idiotic things, noisey, and just acting the way she is around me. When I told her multiple times I don’t like that at all nobody else would like that. We’ve had three fights recently the third one. Each one was started cause she did things that weren’t right and disrespected my things. First one aggressively taking my charger for my phone when I’m using it. Could’ve asked nicely not just rip it away. Second slamming my laptop down when I’m using it. Now she took my ps4 and hid it for no reason whatsoever. One of the closest things I have to a social life when I don’t go anywhere outside of my house when. I’m taking care of my mom and do college online. She then takes it nobody told her to take it. She it did it regardless since apparently I yell when I don’t and cuss. Of course I’m going to sound somewhat loud in the only sound in the house at night you’re listening to hard. I’m enjoying myself she just doesn’t mind her own business. Everytime I’m there to repair things and act like Jesus. Alas no we can’t cause she always pulls something out. We just can’t get along and she just doesn’t see it and things she’s right. I can’t stand her anymore I’m done with it .

  49. I have twin sisters who are toxic to me, if one misses an opportunity, the other one snatches it and hurls it my face. They hurl insults like retarted, stupid and gay. (The latter is an offence at is not my sexuality, and they know it) They even go as far as conducting surveillance on my room. They’re impossible to get away from, thank you for the advice. Shit was going to hit the fan soon if it wasn’t for this article.

  50. I have two older siblings, and I sometimes feel as if they are right, and I’m the bad person all around.

    I’m on disability (mental health) and they see it fit to ridicule me, call me lazy and uneducated and other nice things concerning my mental state and my physical appearance.

    Both my siblings are noticeably older than I (6 and 8 years respectively) and in their fourties, but I sometimes feel like the adult in that situation.
    Only a few examples would be my brother mercilessly commenting on my appearance, calling me fat, ugly and making fun of me, while he is the healthy, fit type of person. He always wraps it up in jokes and charming, and if I complain about it, he says “You can’t take a joke at all! Such a wuss!”.
    He also blatantly stated in discussions that I can’t know how the world works, since I’m ‘not even working for the money’.
    My sister… she’s wrapped up in a marriage with a man coming from an upper middle class family.
    I wish I could say it was only jealousy speaking of me, but the money made her negative sides pop out.
    She has turned into a typical ‘Karen’ personality, complete with the stilted speech, probably to try to better fit into the other upper-middle class people she surrounds herself with.
    Her husband is also a gem, sarcastically meant.
    She always demands we do things for her, and in turn only ever shows up when she can expect money from my mother, or other favors. My mother and I are not invited to birthdays, christmases or other holidays, and even at a large event in my nieces life, we were feeling as if we only came to hand over money, and not be guests/grandmother/aunt.
    My mother in turn is a narcistic personality, and my sister is her golden child, who can do no wrong.
    My mother, though, is disabled, and needs help with appointments and such.
    I was ordered by my sister to give her regular updates, over a whatsapp chat, and whenever I give one of those updates, I get ridiculed, flat out cussed at, or told I’m too dumb and lazy to do anything good ever.
    Both siblings do not even hide their dismay for me, they openly display it in front of friends, relatives, and absolute strangers on the street, completely with biting remarks, and hopes for me to get ‘shown what it means to earn your money! Work until you die!’. Remember, I am on disability. Not by my own wishes, I might add.
    My siblings on the other hand, despite working normal 8hour/day jobs, never have time to visit my mother, or are too busy ‘enjoying our peace and quiet’ (which, generally, I have no problem with), but are harrassing me over doing everything wrong with my mother’s appointments.

    They make me feel like I am the bad person. The unlikeable personality, that stands out like a sore thumb, and should better be out of everybody’s lives.

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