3 Major Types of People in Dysfunctional Relationships

Relationships involve engagement and commitment from both parties. We all enter relationships with past hurts, but it is important to be cognizant if or when we are projecting it onto or into a relationship. A relationship can go awry when either party becomes disengaged, fosters resentment, or brings in past conflicts. Thus, creating a dysfunctional relationship. 

Dysfunctional relationships can cause distress and strain on the relationship. Eventually, the relationship can break down. 

Many of dysfunctional relationships begin during childhood–where we lacked a model of a healthy functional relationship. The patterns that we learned may find a way into a new relationship. In order to avoid, move past, or fix a dysfunctional relationship, we first need to acknowledge our role in the relationship. 

Below are the three major archetypes within a dysfunctional relationship.

According to Dr. Stephen Karpman, a transactional psychologist and former student of Eric Berne, M.D, there are three recognizable types in dysfunctional relationships. 

Victims

Perhaps the most recognizable archetype is the victim. We’ve seen them depicted in movies and books. They are the relatable protagonists that we love and secretly root for. We root for them because we witness them go from victims to victors. But, life is not a movie. You cannot wait for others to come in an save you or provide you the support you need on your journey to transformation. 

At the crux of a victim personality type is fear-– the fear that you will be or are unable to carry on on your own. There is a negative loop in your head telling you that you cannot until you start to believe it. When you do, you slip into a passive control over your life.  

There are many things that can victimize us, but at the root of all of them is fear. Whether it is projected onto us, developed, or acquired. origin and enforcers of fear in your life vary. Some wounds are created in childhood– perhaps, your parents were unavailable physically or emotionally. Or you had a dysfunctional relationship in the past where a loved one often acted as a perpetrator (this personality type will be explained later on). Or, sometimes, you may be victimizing yourself. Life can also throw unexpected circumstances that knock you over and make it feel as though you will not be able to get back up again. Regardless of what pushed you into the role of victim, you should also acknowledge how you may be enabling your role. 

Holding onto a victim mentality can be harmful because it can lead to feelings of worthlessness, self-sabotage, and possibly depression. 

According to Prof. Kets de Vries, management scholar and psychoanalyst at INSEAD in France, those with a victim mentality unconsciously seek out disappointment in order to create feelings of guilt or pity in us because it fulfills their desire to receive attention. Psychologists call this “secondary gain.” 

Being a victim is completely different from playing the victim. If you are being victimized, reach out to a supportive someone you trust or a licensed professional. However, if you do notice yourself playing the victims, there are various resources to help you. A great reminder is that we may not always have control over a situation, but we always have control as to how we react to it. Remembering this can help you build a sense of accountability which will help feel less victimized. 

There are various manifestations of a victim mentality. According to Susanna Barlow, some examples are: 

• The Doormat: victim of being taken advantage of and feels entitled to support and love from others. 
• The Weakling: victim to the belief that they are helpless and feel entitled to inaction, fear, and rescue. 
• The Patient: victim to your health or lack thereof and entitled to healing and have someone else be responsible for their healing.
• The Crusader: victim of loneliness or self-hatred and entitled to have others sympathy and victimize those who do not agree with them
• The Shadow Victim: victim of circumstances and personal perceptions.

Rescuers

The rescuer personality type is someone who sweeps in, like a superhero, to save others. But what happens when there is no one to save? 

 Unlike the victim, a rescuer personality type feeds on a rush of cortisol and the ingrained desire to be needed. Rescuing is how they connect with others. They feel a sense of loss or abandonment when others become independent of them because their missions are attached to their sense of self. 

This personality type can be damaging because those who are rescuers unconsciously seek out those who are vulnerable and need assistance. Rescuers feel essential to their partner’s survival. Thus, creating co-dependency between the two. At times, rescuers can become enablers of those with a victim personality type– enabling them to forgo accountability and responsibility for something they are able to do. 

Like many personality disorders, the rescuer role can be linked back to childhood. It is common for parentified children to adopt the role of rescuer in future relationships.  

Living in the rescuer role can lead you to develop guilt and resentment at all the responsibilities that you feel like you have had to take on. If you notice this kind of personality in yourself or others, you can reach out to a therapist or licensed professional. 

Some manifestations of a rescuer archetype are:

• The Enabler: people who latch onto someone vulnerable because they want to be needed. 
•  The White Knight/Savior: people who enter relationships hoping to “fix” the other person. 

Persecutors

The last archetype is the persecutor. This personality type is likely to blow up over insignificant happenings. They usually look for scapegoats for their problems and feel entitled when they lash out. They are usually controlling, strict, overbearing, and authoritarian. In a relationship, they are oppressive bullies the unleash empty threats. Persecutors are unmoving and eschew vulnerability because they fear becoming victims.

The persecutor’s role is founded in anger. Sometimes, a person with a rescuer personality may shift into the role of a persecutor because they allow resentment to build.  

However, there are other reasons why some may take on the role of persecutor. Perhaps, there is a deep sense of guilt that they are trying to place on someone else. Because they need someone to shoulder the blame, they may shift back into the role of rescuer in order to sustain the relationship. 

A subtype of a persecutor mentality is the bully, who victimizes others because they were once victimized. 

Each archetype relates to each other and within a relationship, the roles may change. For example, take a look at the dialogue below, courtesy of Patty Fleener M.S.W :

Lindsay: You’re late again! Always late for everything; I’m so sick of it! (P) 

Rachel: I’m really sorry. Please don’t be mad. I just forgot to set my alarm. (V)

Lindsay: Well, you’re being inconsiderate with my time. I’ve no idea why I put up with you! (P)

Rachel: Stop shouting at me! It’s not as if you are perfect! You’re late too almost always, and I don’t complain half as much as you do. (P)

Lindsay: Okay. Okay, calm down. I didn’t mean to upset you. (V)

Rachel: Anyway, if my lateness was such a big issue why don’t you help, huh? You never help me or are considerate my time either, so what did you expect? (P)

Lindsay: Fine. From now on, I’ll set your alarm for you and make sure you get out of the house on time. (R)

Within a dysfunctional relationship, the roles can often change and you may not always be the victim or persecutor. But, it is important to be cognizant of the role you are playing and hopefully address the emotional and thought patterns urge you into that role.

If you’ve noticed these traits in yourself reach out to a licensed professional to address some of your concerns. Let us know in the comments below how you have handled a dysfunctional relationship and you would like to know more about this topic. 

Take care!

Additional Sources:

Davidhizar R. The pursuit of illness for secondary gain. Health Care Superv. 1994;13(1):10-15.

Graham , Linda. “The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor – What It Is and How to Get Out.” Linda Graham, 5 Aug. 2020, lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/.

Sherman, Audrey. The Big Five Of Dysfunctional Relationships. 3 June 2016, blogs.psychcentral.com/dysfunction/2016/05/the-big-five-of-dysfunctional-relationships/.

Stines, Sharie. “Breaking out of the Drama Triangle.” The Recovery Expert, 6 Jan. 2016, pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/01/breaking-out-of-the-drama-triangle/.

Taibbi, Bob. “The Relationship Triangle.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 21 June 2011, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle.