5 Habits to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Have you heard of emotional intelligence? According to cognitive scientist Delphine Nelis, emotional intelligence is the “perception, processing, regulation, and utilization of emotional information.” Your emotional intelligence is a key influence on your relationships, mental health and physical health – but how can you improve it?

Let’s jump into five habits to boost your emotional intelligence!

1) Understand what drives you

How well do you know yourself? We’re not just talking about your favorite color, we mean the deep inner emotions that drive all your decisions and reactions. Why do you work so hard for that reward? Why do you feel like such a failure when you don’t succeed? Why are you afraid of your biggest fears? Ask yourself “why?” until you uncover your core motivations. Are your inner goals emotionally healthy, like bonding with others to deepen connections, competing to improve your skills or taking mild risks to boost your confidence? Or are they unhealthy, like comparing yourself with others for validation, hurting others to fill an empty self-esteem or engaging in perilous sensation seeking to fill a lack of meaning in life? Keep asking “why?” until you know yourself.

2) Identify others’ emotions

How well do you truly understand others? Once you know yourself, it’s time to turn outwards and learn what makes people tick. When you interact with others, pay close attention to their facial expressions, tone of voice and the emotions in their words. They may be expressing one thing on the surface, but feeling something else deep down, so your first impressions and conclusions won’t be enough. Identifying the emotions of others requires ongoing exploring, investigating and questioning. When others speak, put aside your preconceptions and ask them for more details and seek understanding rather than rushing to judgment.

3) Plan for your deficiencies

What are your greatest emotional weaknesses? It’s not a pleasant question to answer, but you have to accept your limits to prepare for vulnerable situations. Do you commit so fully to your goals that you never give up a bad job or relationship? You could seek a second opinion to ground your perspective. Do you trip up your words when you are speaking in public and the pressure is high? You could rehearse what to say to make your speech run smoothly. Do you overreact with anger or fear in certain scenarios? You could put yourself in alternative situations so your emotions don’t get the better of you. The first step is to realize that identifying your faults doesn’t have to be scary, it can be liberating, as it allows you to plan around them.

4) Engage in empathetic communication

Do you engage in truly two-sided conversations? Many people think so, but they actually have self-centered communication habits. Show attention by making sure that your entire pose and gaze is facing the other person, and don’t use a device at the same time, no matter how much you think you are listening. Demonstrate empathy by mentioning that you are open to a full understanding, reflecting what they’ve said and inviting them to share more. Establish rapport by using the word “we” instead of “I” and “you.” Build trust by assuming the other person has a valid reason behind everything they do, even if they’re mistakes. These habits require care but they can increase shared understanding and agreements.

5) Pause before reacting

How many times have you reacted badly in the heat of the moment? We all have done things we regret later when our minds are calmer. When you receive criticism, insults, opportunities or praise, it may be tempting to act as soon as you feel the impulse, but a long pause gives you the power to digest the situation and make a more thoughtful decision. Take a day to decide how to reply to a provocative email, whether to accept a generous offer or how to address an insulting complaint. A thoughtful pause avoids the danger of a strong emotional reaction you might regret later.

Do you think you can use these tips in your life? If you made it to the end, drop a heart emoji in the comments below or let us know what you think! And don’t forget to like and share this if you think it will help someone else. The studies and references used are listed in the description below.

References:

• Bradberry, Travis, and Jean Greaves. The emotional intelligence quick book: Everything you need to know to put your EQ to work. Simon and Schuster, 2006.
• Nelis, Delphine, et al. “Increasing emotional intelligence: (How) is it possible?” Personality and Individual Differences 47.1 (2009): 36-41.