5 Signs You Are a Good Friend

We have been contemplating what qualifies a person as a “good friend” since we were school children. Our teachers may have asked our class to brainstorm a list of desirable traits to consider as we navigated the interpersonal worlds of school, the playground, clubs, and sports.

As adults, we discover that some of the traits we scribbled on to our notebooks such as honesty, loyalty, understanding, acceptance are not always fixed characteristics. We have likely experienced the harsh reality that friends come and go and commitment is rare. We cannot always predict the outcome of friendships, even if we pour our efforts into them.

In Western societies, we tend to seek out friendships that improve our lives and sense of self. Perhaps this goes back to that elementary instruction to look for a friend with certain traits rather than to look inward and to cultivate these traits. While the definition of friendship varies across cultures, we can always look inward and consider what makes a good friend.

Here is a list of signs of a good friend to reflect upon:

1. You engage in self-awareness

How can we know if we are being a good friend to others without reflecting and monitoring our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs? The truth is – we all possess a combination of both good and bad traits. We will never find the perfect friend and we will never be the perfect friend either.

However, when we are aware of our strengths and weaknesses, we can begin to understand how these traits can strengthen our friendships. At the same time, we can recognize the areas we need more grace or even forgiveness for.

Self-awareness is a skill that is necessary for the improvement of all the other traits of a good friend. This form of insight allows you to connect with your own needs and communicate them with your friends. You can also identify how your behaviors and personal patterns affect your friendships and  learn to balance them with the needs of your friends.

2. You practice forgiveness

According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, the construct of friendship rests on the idea of reciprocity or a give-and-take dynamic. There is often an expectation, even if it is unspoken, that a friendship will be mutually beneficial and that support will flow from both sides (Degges-White, 2018).

But what if you are in a friendship that feels one-sided? What if wrongdoing occurs that threatens the strength of your bond? That is where we need forgiveness. No matter how strong a friendship is, there may be times when the amount of support or affection feels imbalanced. Maybe your friend is going through a traumatic life event that disables them from being a friend in the same capacity as before.

Forgiveness will look different in each scenario. Sometimes forgiveness means distance, a difficult conversation, or making a conscious effort to move past the hurt. Even if reconciliation is not possible, forgiveness is important for healing on both sides. How can we be a good friend to others if we are still bitter from hurt buried in our past?

Chances are that you have done something to a friend to damage their trust that you needed forgiveness for. Whether you received that mercy from your friend or not, it is just as important to forgive yourself.  When you lose a friend, the process of both forgiveness and self-forgiveness allows us to evolve into a better friend for the future.

3. You listen well

We often hear about the importance of being able to vent to our friends. But being a good listener is not just about giving our friends the time and space to release their thoughts and feelings. Listening involves remembering what our friends are saying. Asking thoughtful questions. Following up on any concerns when friends say or do something out of character.

Good listening skills go hand in hand with becoming more self-aware. When we build the capacity to listen to our friends without judgement we can also shift that awareness to our inner dialogues.

Being a good listener does not always mean silent nods or wise follow-ups. According to Dr. Paul Sacco of the University of Maryland School of Social Work, good listening allows us to have balanced conversations with our friends (Holmes, 2014). A balanced conversation is possible when we validate our friend’s feelings and gauge when it is appropriate to share.

4. You display commitment to friendship 

Self-awareness, forgiveness, and listening are not easy tasks, even when we consider them valuable to friendship. Commitment assures us that both you and your friend are dedicated to the self-improvement required to strengthen the relationship.

Have you ever had a friend who possessed good listening skills and self-awareness but they simply did not make the friendship a priority? Maybe they only made time for you when it was convenient for them. These moments can reveal to us how important commitment is.

When you are committed to a friendship, you invest your time and personal efforts. In a 2003 study which explored friendship as a qualitative method, social researchers suggested that Western cultures deem friendship as “second-class” compared to romantic relationship or family (Tilmann-Healy, 2003). We often use the saying, “just friends” or “friend-zoned” as if friendship has less significance or obligation.

Considering the casual language we use to describe friendship, our commitment to a friend may not always be obvious. Therefore, it may be important to outline our expectations of commitment. Our friends need to know that they are a priority. Whether that is through verbal affirmation or quality time, a good friend will not make you guess whether you are important to them or not.

5. You are honest

Honesty is like self-awareness in the sense that it is required to grow all the other personal attributes needed for friendship. Honesty is foundational across every experience within friendship. Whether we are having a tough conversation, making plans or having a venting session, honesty allows us to be ourselves and secures our trust in each other.

The virtue of honesty also pushes us to address conflict when it arises rather than pretending it doesn’t exist and remaining silent. Honesty also implies accountability. When we practice honesty, we admit that we have flaws that we need support for. In this way, it is important to be honest with ourselves about what we need or want from a friend and to vocalize this.

Honesty can also lead to vulnerability, which can be a scary yet rewarding aspect of friendship. Even if that means telling our friends we are not ready to talk about a certain topic, we can be transparent. A true friend will meet us where we are at and respect our boundaries.

These 5 traits reveal that a good friend may be rare to find, but not impossible. Each of these signs interacts with one another, as friendship is a unique balance between both interpersonal and intrapersonal awareness. While finding and making friends requires interpersonal skills, keeping them close relies on intrapersonal abilities.

References

Davis, T. (2019, Mar 11). What is self-awareness, and how do you get it? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/click-here-happiness/201903/what-is-self-awareness-and-how-do-you-get-it

Degges-White, Suzanne. (2018, May 29) Friendology: The science of friendship. Psychology Today.Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/lifetime-connections/201805/friendology-the-science-friendship

Holmes, Lindsay. (2014, Sept 4) 11 signs of a genuine friendship. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/qualities-of-real-friends_n_5709821

Khoddam, R. (2014, Sept 16). The psychology of forgiveness. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-addiction-connection/201409/the-psychology-forgiveness

Tilmann-Healy. M. L. (2003). Friendship as method. Qualitative Inquiry, 9(5), 729-749.