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Have you ever felt unlovable? Maybe it’s a sinking feeling in your stomach when you’re alone or whispers you can’t shake from that voice in your head.
We want you to know that you are loveable, and that sometimes negative thoughts have the power to overtake us and distort reality. Here are 6 things to remember when you feel unlovable.
1. Love starts inside ourselves
Do you love yourself? Part of the reason we may feel unlovable at times is that we forget to prioritize loving ourselves.
Self-love isn’t always easy, but it makes us believe in ourselves, our dreams, and our lovability. Each and every one of you is lovable just as you are, but in order for you to feel that, celebrate yourself. To practice self-love, try writing down things you love about yourself, moments that made you proud, and people in your life who love you. For more on self-love, be sure to check out our other articles.
2. Our brain is wired to be negative
Have you ever heard of the phenomenon called “negative bias”? It basically describes the idea that our brain processes negative events differently than positive ones, causing us to amplify them (Cherry 2020). Though this can be useful to help us learn from our mistakes, it can also make us focus too much on the negativity around us.
If you keep recalling negative moments and events, and feel unlovable because of it, remember that your brain is wired to focus on it. Positivity also surrounds you, and the more you bring it to the surface, the easier it will be to accept these negative events and process them in a healthy way!
3. You flaws don’t define you
We’re humans. And as humans, we are flawed. Often, we think of our flaws as defining our character, or we see them as being on blast for everyone to see.
When you feel like your flaws are making you unlovable, remember not only that everyone has flaws, but also that your flaws make you unique and different. They give us a chance to learn and grow into the best people we can be. You are loveable, flaws and all!
4. Your mind is a great storyteller
When someone doesn’t respond to you right away, do you assume they don’t like you? If so, you’re not alone.
It turns out that our brains tend to fill in gaps by making up stories that put us in a negative light. Often, we end up assuming that people are mad at us or people don’t like us. Not only that, but we also end up believing and reacting to those assumptions. These emotions can spiral and can lead to make us feel unlovable or faulty.
If this happens to you, remember that your brain loves to weave elaborate tales. Try not to let these stories mask what is real and mask your worth.
5. Romantic relationships do not determine your worth
When you’ve been single for a while, do you start questioning your lovability? Though it is tempting, try not to fall into society’s trap!
There is no written rule that says that being single is a reflection on your lovability, or even a bad thing at all. We create negative associations with being single in our minds because society has conditioned us to believe that we are incomplete without a romantic partner (Jarvis-Gibson 2016). In fact, there are so many benefits to being single that people are just starting to uncover.
As a result, those who are single for a while may feel flawed, unworthy, and unlovable. In these moments, remember that your worth is not determined by how much of it others care to see. You are lovable and worthy just by following your passions and being you, regardless of your relationship status.
6. The way people treat you is never a reflection on you
Has anyone ever treated you badly and made you feel like it was your fault? Perhaps a family member or romantic partner?
If this is the case, please know that any mistreatment towards you is never your fault. If someone is rude to you, yells at you, or treats you badly in any way, it’s natural for your brain to try to convince yourself that you deserve it. But remember that nobody, any reason, is entitled to treat you bad. Trauma that you experience is never your fault and absolutely does not come in the way of you being lovable, no matter what your brain tries to tell you.
When you feel unlovable, we hope this video helps. You are wonderful and worthy just the way you are. Thanks for reading!
- Cherry K (2020, April 29). “What Is the Negativity Bias?”. Verywell Mind. Swaim E, factchecked by. Retrieved from www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618#:~:text=The%20reason%20for%20this%20is,decisions%2C%20and%20even%20your%20relationships.Jarvis-Gibson, L (2016, March 24). “For Everyone Who Has Been Single For So Long They Feel Completely Unlovable”. Thought Catalog. Retrieved from www.thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2016/03/for-everyone-who-has-been-single-for-a-long-time-and-feels-completely-unlovable/ .
- Virzi J (2018, February 14). “17 Things To Do If You Feel ‘Unloveable’ Today”. The Mighty. Mental Health. Retrieved from www.themighty.com/2018/02/i-feel-unlovable-single-lonely/.
- “‘Why Do I Feel So Unloveable? (And the Best Therapies that Help)” (2017, June 20). Harley Therapy Counselling Blog. Jacobson S, reviewed by. Retrieved from www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/why-do-i-feel-so-unloveable.htm.