We all know what it’s like to feel betrayed by someone. Whether it’s a family member or a friend, betrayal can come from even the people we least expect. However, one of the most surprising betrayals can come from ourselves. This is because we often don’t realize when we do it. It makes us feel exactly how it would if someone else were to betray us, except we’re the ones who inflict it upon ourselves. Self-betrayal can take many forms, such as ignoring your problems, neglecting your needs to fulfill others’, and more. Many of us have experienced self-betrayal in relationships as a result of a poor sense of identity or a lack of self-respect. Recognizing the signs of self-betrayal is important because it ensures fairness between you and your partner. That being said, here are 7 signs of self-betrayal in relationships.
1. You’re Not Setting Firm Boundaries
Boundaries in a relationship are to be respected by both people. Establishing certain guidelines and letting your partner know where you cross the line is important before going ahead with your relationship. From setting rules regarding money to intimacy, you’re letting each other know what you are and aren’t okay with. When you’re both fresh in the dating stage, it’s normal for your partner to mistakenly cross your boundaries while they’re still getting into the gist of things. However, if you find that they’re crossing the line a little too often even after previously correcting them, you have to speak up for yourself and firmly let them know what they’re doing wrong. If you choose to condone their actions and not speak against them early on, your partner is going to take this as your way of giving permission, which could lead to them taking advantage of you.
2. You’re Always Putting Your Partner’s Best Interests First
Thinking about others before yourself is a common quality of a selfless person. As a romantic partner, you value your significant other’s happiness, so you do things like letting them choose which restaurant they want to go to, what kind of dog you’ll both adopt, and more. But, if you find that you’re someone who puts their partner before yourself when it comes to sacrificing your morals, that’s a different story. Whether it be giving into peer-pressure or doing things you don’t like in order to please your partner, these are signs of self-betrayal in your relationship.
3. You’re Scared of Expressing Your True Feelings
Quarreling often sprouts from a disagreement between two parties. At the moment, they can be stressful, overwhelming, and even hurtful. Occasional verbal fights and arguments are normal, and they’re something even the happiest of couples face. As long as you and your partner can respect each other’s opinions and come to a solution where both of you are satisfied, that’s what matters. However, if you’re someone who prefers to keep their opinion to themselves just to keep the peace, you’re betraying yourself. You’re the type of person who values their partner’s happiness over your own; while you’re definitely coming from a good place, you’re putting yourself in a position lower than your partner’s, which is not how a healthy relationship works.
4. You’re Emotionally Dependent on Your Partner
A mistake we often make is idolizing our partner, especially in the early stages of the relationship. You may find yourself thinking, “They make me so happy,” and “I would do anything in the world for them,”. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way about your partner because it reflects your true feelings for them. However, when these thoughts turn into ones that are dependent on them, such as, “I am nothing without them,” or “They’re the only thing that makes me happy,” you’re labeling them as your sole source of happiness, and this kind of mindset is what makes you prone to feelings of disappointment and hurt. By giving them this type of control over you, you allow them to determine your feelings, where the smallest action from them could either give you butterflies or send you spiraling into a tearful breakdown.
5. You Change Yourself to Meet Your Partner’s Standards
Has your partner ever criticized your appearance or compared you to someone else? If so, you might’ve felt hurt and insecure, but made it your mission to do whatever it takes to perfect the flaws your partner sees in you. This may have been wearing clothes they like but don’t match your style, doing your hair differently, or acting in a way that isn’t true to you. You do things like this because you seek your partner’s validation because your own isn’t enough. Regardless of the changes you make, you aren’t being fair to yourself and you’re giving your partner the ability to treat you like their doll.
6. You Feel Like More of a Caretaker Than a Partner
When your partner is in pain or falls ill, it’s natural to want to nurse them back to good health. When you truly love someone (significant other or not), taking care of them comes as something you do out of love and compassion, and in exchange, you’re repaid with love and appreciation. However, if taking care of your partner feels like a burden more than a selfless act, this is another sign of self-betrayal in your relationship. If you often have to clean up their mess or act as their personal servant with nothing in return, yet still remaining to stay with them, you’re accepting less than what you deserve.
7. You’re Settling For Your Partner
There’s no such thing as the perfect partner; they’re bound to saying or doing things throughout the relationship that upsets you, which is why being able to forgive is a key component to a healthy relationship. However, you might be in a relationship where you find yourself questioning your happiness more than actually feeling it. While this is a clear sign that your partner isn’t meant for you, you might find it hard to break things off with them, especially if you’re someone with low self-esteem. This is because from justifying their actions to holding onto the hope that they’ll eventually change, we remain in our unhappy relationship because we tell ourselves things like, “I’ll never find someone better,” and “I don’t want to start over with someone new,”. When you settle for someone, you accept the fact that there’s someone better out there for you but you choose to make do with what you already have.
Just as you value other people and their feelings, you have to be able to do the same for yourself by doing what’s best for you. Can you relate to any of the signs we made? Let us know in the comments below.
Kuburic, Sara. Examples of Self-Betrayal In Relationships. Instagram, 2 Nov. 2019. https://www.instagram.com/p/B4Xq57TgYbx/?igshid=nynamdxb5nlk
Kuburic, Sara. Self-Betrayal Can Look like… Instagram, 17 Sept. 2019. https://www.instagram.com/p/B2hQibhg-Ua/?igshid=11pgxk3c3e6b3
Valev, Nancy. “9 Signs You’re Settling In Your Relationship.” Bustle, Bustle, 20 Jan. 2016, www.bustle.com/articles/126372-9-signs-youre-settling-in-your-relationship.