7 Signs Someone “Loves” You, But It’s Toxic

Perhaps Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho said it best when he said, “Sometimes your heart needs time to accept what your head already knows.” And though he was speaking more generally about knowing when it’s time to end a relationship and let someone go, his point still stands: it’s not always easy for us to see when the love someone once felt for us has already turned toxic. We might feel it from time to time, when we start to wonder to ourselves if perhaps we deserve better than this. But at the end of the day, it’s just too hard for us to let go 

So we excuse a few bad behaviors and just chalk it up to reasons like, “Oh, they must have been having a bad day” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.” After all, we all receive and express love in different ways, because we all have different needs, values, and ideals. But there’s a difference between the healthy amount of conflict all couples are bound to experience and all the red flags of being in a toxic relationship.

With that said, here are 7 tell-tale signs that the “love” someone might feel for you is actually toxic:

1. They get unreasonably jealous and possessive.

Most people tend to have this misguided belief that a partner’s jealousy is actually a sign of how much they care about you. But while there is some truth to the idea that jealousy stems from a fear of losing your partner, and it’s a perfectly normal emotion to feel from time to time, be careful not to romanticize it too much. Because when your partner starts to get unreasonably jealous and possessive over you all the time, then it means that they think of you more as their property than your own person (Sharpsteen & Kirkpatrick, 1997) — and that’s toxic!

2. They act passive-aggressive towards you.

Does your partner often tell you it’s okay to do something (like going out with your friends instead of them, for example) then get hurt or upset when you take their word for it? Do they forgive you for your mistakes only to throw it back in your face the moment you have a disagreement about something? Or resort to tactics like giving you the cold shoulder, withdrawing their affection, or treating you with sarcasm instead of actually telling you what’s wrong? Passive-aggressive behaviors like these are not only manipulative and controlling; it also shows that your partner may lack the emotional maturity and communication skills needed to be in a committed, lasting relationship.

3. They have issues with codependency.

Defined as “a dysfunctional relationship characterized by a lack of boundaries, most often stemming from one partner’s extreme fear of abandonment” (Hoenigmann-Lion & Whitehead, 2007), being in a codependent relationship is emotionally draining and damaging to your self-esteem and sense of identity. Codependency means always having to save your partner from themselves, fixing all their problems for them,  and attending to their every beck and call without ever getting anything in return.

4. There’s an uneven power dynamic.

No matter how good someone might be at getting you to believe they love you — be it with their lavish gifts, flowery words, or grand gestures — if they constantly expect you to prioritize their wants and needs over your own, then they don’t really love you. They only love having control over you. They love being the one who always gets a say in everything you do, who makes all your decisions and tells you what’s best for you (Solferino & Tessitore, 2019). So if you feel disrespected or unappreciated by your partner, like you don’t really have any power in your relationship, then watch out! These people are toxic for you!

5. It feels bad. All the time.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why would anyone ever want to stay in a relationship that makes them feel bad all the time? Why not just leave?” But real life is rarely ever that simple, right? Toxic relationships rarely ever start out that way; most of the time, people don’t even notice when things start to turn toxic and by then they already feel too much love or commitment towards the other person to just end things with them like that. But make no mistake, if your partner makes you feel bad all the time and there is constant drama in your relationship, then the “love” they have for you is definitely toxic. 

6. You lose yourselves in the relationship.

While it might sound romantic to make someone “your whole world” and throw yourself into a relationship with them, we should always remember that being committed to our partners is not the same as giving up our own sense of identity and individuality for the sake of our relationship. We should never be so consumed by anyone that we end up over compromising and changing too much of ourselves just to please them and make our relationship work  (Schumm, 2004). 

7. You over-idealize one another.

Last, but certainly not the least, we must warn you against the perils of being with someone who over idealizes you and how, while it might seem incredibly flattering and romantic at first, it can quickly turn toxic, too. Nothing destroys a relationship faster than over-idealizing one another, burdening them with unrealistically high expectations, and not giving each other the freedom to be flawed and make mistakes. Because at the end of the day, it means that it’s not you they’re in love with — it’s a version of you that doesn’t even exist, a version of you you can never live up to.

So, do you agree with the things we’ve mentioned here? Is there anyone in your life who you think loves you in a toxic way? If so, we highly urge you to weigh the pros and cons between trying to patch things up with this person, or just distancing yourself from them altogether for the sake of your mental and emotional well-being. And if you are struggling with being in a toxic relationship, please don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental healthcare professional today and get the help you need.

References:

• Sharpsteen, D. J., & Kirkpatrick, L. A. (1997). Romantic jealousy and adult romantic attachment. Journal of personality and social psychology, 72(3), 627.
• Hoenigmann-Lion, N. M., & Whitehead, G. I. (2007). The relationship between codependency and borderline and dependent personality traits. Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly, 24(4), 55-77.
• Solferino, N., & Tessitore, M. E. (2019). Human networks and toxic relationships.
• Schumm, W. R. (2004). Classifying Toxic Relationships. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 32(4), 349.