8 Signs Someone Lack Empathy
Hey, Psych2Goers! A disclaimer : this article isn’t meant for diagnosis, treatment, or cure anyone. It is to create awareness among the general public, so if you or someone you know may be struggling, don’t hesitate to seek professional help from Psychiatrists or other trusted professionals.
In his 1995 best-selling book “Emotional Intelligence”, an internationally-renowned psychologist, Daniel Goleman, stated that there are three kinds of empathy;
- Cognitive empathy : Simply knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Sometimes called as perspective-taking. It is knowing, understanding or comprehending on an intellectual level.
Eg : A doctor can look at a sick patient and try to understand the parts of the illness rather than dive into the patient’s emotions.
- Emotional empathy : When you feel physically along with the other person, as though their emotions were contagious. It is actually deeply rooted in a human’s mirror neurons. All animals have neurons that fire in a certain way when they see another animal acting, making them relate to that action in their own body and brain.
Eg : When your partner—or anyone you deeply love—comes to you in tears, it’s a natural response to feel that pull on your heartstrings.
- Compassionate empathy : With this kind of empathy we not only understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, but are spontaneously moved to help, if needed. Compassionate empathy strikes a powerful balance of the cognitive and emotional empathy. It is taking the middle ground and using your emotional intelligence to effectively respond to the situation with loving detachment.
Eg : When your loved one comes to you in tears, you want to understand why she is upset and you also want to provide comfort by sharing in her emotional experience and hopefully helping her heal.
Often, those with low empathy usually have low insight and are associated with several psychological disorders. Lack of empathy is a common quality for Cluster B personality disorder which includes the “dramatic, erratic and emotional” disorders (histrionic, narcissistic, borderline, antisocial)(American Psychological Association, 2013).
In borderline personality disorder, there is something called cognitive lack of empathy. A person starts to understand that humans can be both good and bad and starts to think what other people are thinking instead of yourself. However, a person with this personality disorder is unable to possess this trait. Apart from that, antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder also have empathy deficits. For a person with histrionic personality disorder, they may not necessarily be recognized with lack of empathy since emotion is very important for this personality disorder, but the focus is still on the self, thus empathy is still limited. A person with major depressive disorder might be too consumed with their psychic pain to care about others; which can also result in lack of empathy.
Let’s delve into 8 signs of someone’s lack of empathy, shall we?
- They don’t understand why other people are hurt by their words or actions
You : Can you please wash the cooking utensils after you use them instead of dumping them in the sink and leaving it for a long time? There are other people living in this house too, you know.
Your housemate : Excuse me, I have a lot of things to do, my final examination is just around the corner. I’m feeling so stressed out these days. Why are you always picking on me? *shrug her shoulder and walk off into her room*
According to a Professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology, Dr Ronald E. Riggio (2015), a person with lack of empathy would be clueless about other people’s feelings. They cannot put themselves in other people’s shoes. They might be so caught up with the whirlwind of their own feelings and desires that they may not understand the causality of “Why doing X action causes Y response or emotions” in somebody’s else. Someone with low empathy, they may not understand other people’s emotions. Someone with moderately low empathy, unfortunately it can be worse, because they can understand why other people’s behaviour causes a certain reaction and due to the pathology, they seem to not care. They may excuse their behaviour by saying they are stressed out, feeling inconvenience by confrontation, or they may flat out say, “I don’t care.”
2. They never make sacrifices for others, and they always put themselves first at the expense of others
Let’s imagine a little bit, you as an introvert who values your solitary time quite highly after a busy week; receives a call from your extraverted friend. She feels so stressed out nowadays having to work from home and cannot go outside and socialize like she always likes to do. However, considering your relationship and the needs of your friend, you decide to invite her to your house to be her talking friend, even though it’s not your first choice that you want to do on that day.
Of course, it is granted that we should put our own oxygen mask before helping others, but it is also normal to occasionally make sacrifices for people that you care about.
A psychology researcher, Henri C. Santos from the University of Waterloo has stated in his research published in the journal of the Association for Psychological Science (2017), “Much of the research on the manifestation of rising individualism—showing, for example, increasing narcissism and higher divorce rates—has focused on the United States. Our findings show that this pattern also applies to other countries that are not Western or industrialized.”
In general, individualist cultures tend to conceive of people as self-directed and autonomous, and they tend to prioritize independence and uniqueness as cultural values. Collectivist cultures, on the other hand, tend to see people as connected with others and embedded in a broader social context – as such, they tend to emphasize interdependence, family relationships, and social conformity. The results of the research showed a clear pattern: Both individualistic practices and values increased across the globe over time. Specifically, statistical models indicated that individualism has increased by about 12% worldwide since 1960. Only four countries—Cameroon, Malawi, Malaysia, and Mali—showed a substantial decrease in individualistic practices over time, while 34 out of 41 countries showed a notable increase.
Sadly, individualistic culture really gets us nowhere. If everyone is always thinking about themselves without considering other people, unfortunately these societies would not evolve well.
3. Never take accountability
Have you ever encountered a person who has never made a mistake? How about a perfect parent or a perfect family?
Nuh-uh.
Mistakes are part of making us all human, and hopefully we would grow and become wiser from each one.
According to a licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr Karyl McBride (2013), the inability to recognize one’s mistake and own up to it, is a common problem with people who lacks of empathy.
Taking accountability is difficult for a fragile self-esteem. For the people who lacks of empathy, who has not developed a solid sense of self, and is emotionally stuck at a six-year old level, confrontation does not work well. They are not in touch with their own feelings. They project those feelings onto others and are not capable of empathy. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect another person. They can only see how it affects them. They are hypersensitive to criticism and judgment, but constantly criticize and judge others (McBride, 2013).
How would you approach a situation with a person like this?
Look for an attitude of willingness to change: If a person really wants to focus on self-improvement, they will have a much better chance for change. You can try to evoke empathy and provide a sense of reward and safety for doing the right thing, but should not use fear or punishment to hold someone else’s feet to the fire. If you are dealing with a partner who isn’t being otherwise abusive, it might be possible to encourage them to model better behaviors through indirect methods. If you have tried repeatedly to model exemplary behavior but the person still hasn’t made any progress, chances are they are going to and you should reconsider continuing pursuing a relationship with them at that point (Klarke, 2019).
4. Extreme punishments for minor trespasses
A young girl, aged 6 years old, is playing with her mother’s make-up collection. Every morning, she sees her mother applies make-up. She thinks her mother looks very beautiful, which aspires her to be the same. However, her mother suddenly walks into the room. Seeing the sloppy ruined lipstick and the eyeshadow glitters that spill all over the floor, makes her anger erupted and she smacks the girl very hard on her back and head.
What is your opinion about the behavior portrayed by the mother? Is it appropriate and proportionate?
The punishment which is applied disproportionate to the bad things done would result in undesirable consequences. For example, a 2014 survey in America found nearly half of parents admitted to spanking their younger children (age 9 and under) in the past year. Researchers have found that this type of physical punishment may lead to antisocial behavior, aggression, and delinquency among children (Finkelhor, 2019).
If a child misbehaves, it is definitely alright to impose a certain kind of punishment, but it should be done in the right way. Behaviorist B. F. Skinner, the psychologist who first described operant conditioning, identified two different kinds of aversive stimuli that can be used as punishment:
Positive punishment: This type of punishment is also known as “punishment by application.” Positive punishment involves presenting an aversive stimulus after a behavior has occurred. For example, when a student talks out of turn in the middle of class, the teacher might scold the child for interrupting.
Negative punishment: This type of punishment is also known as “punishment by removal.” Negative punishment involves taking away a desirable stimulus after a behavior has occurred. For example, when the student from the previous example talks out of turn again, the teacher promptly tells the child that they will have to miss recess because of their behavior.
5. Attribution bias
“Hey, I was having a very bad day, you weren’t spending time with me, so that’s why I’m cheated on you.”
You are shocked to hear the reply from your partner when you confront her when you hear from your friend that he saw her cheating on you with another man.
This kind of behavior is known as attribution bias : a cognitive (thought) bias that refers to the systematic errors that a person makes when they try to find reasons for their own behaviors and motivations as well as the behaviors and motivations of others.
This bias happens when their mistakes are due to external factors, but they easily excuse their bad behavior and insist that it happens because of what their partner did to them. The reason for this behavior is they have self-love to excuse themselves, but they don’t have the empathy to excuse other people.
6. Insensitivity
You are trying an item of clothing in a clothing store and ask your friend, “What do you think of this?”
You feel a mark being scratched in your heart when she says, “You look fat in that.”, rather than avoiding commenting altogether or offering more tactful advice, like, “I think a different colour would flatter your features more.”
Insensitive behaviors vary from person to person. However, certain identifiable behaviours are generally considered rude. According to a therapist, Chris MacLeod (2020), you may be an insensitive person if you’ve ever engaged in any of the following:
- Sharing opinions at inappropriate times, such as complaining loudly about the obesity epidemic in front of a co-worker you know is struggling with their weight or body image.
- Getting annoyed if someone does not understand a topic you’re explaining.
- Passing judgments on others for their mistakes or circumstances without considering their background or personal struggles.
- Being rude and demanding to staff at restaurants.
Try to learn to show concern. You may come off as insensitive because showing emotion makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward. Instead of saying something that might sound stilted or insincere when you see someone is upset, you remain quiet. Accept that it might sound forced when you offer condolences to your friend, “I’m so sorry to hear that…”, but know that it will become more natural if you push through and keep trying (MacLeod, 2020).
7. They can’t be happy for other people
You have a new job in a big company. You call your friend to tell him about it. However, you realize he doesn’t seem to be happy about your achievement, instead he downplays it and is dismissive of the things that are going well for you. He also derides what you have as though it’s completely irrelevant or not worth having.
As the old saying goes :
“How can you be happy for others, if you haven’t found your own happiness?”
We compare ourselves to others all the time, research suggests. Comparing ourselves to others is human nature. According to Temma Ehrenfeld (2013), when we decide that we’re inferior or lack some desirable trait or circumstance—be it beauty, intelligence, spare cash, or an apparently happy marriage—it’s normal to feel hostile and focus on other people’s faults and lacks. We evaluate how we are doing based on what other people or our peers are doing. However, we should make healthy comparison rather than unhealthy ones, because healthy comparison motivates you to do more whereas unhealthy comparison makes you debilitated or disabled to do anything good. Think of comparison like driving a car, we need to focus on the road while also looking at the side and rear view mirrors. If we focus solely on the road, not the mirrors, we will likely crash. If we focus entirely on the mirrors not the road, we will also crash. Finding a middle ground is the key. Focus on the road, on the journey, but also take a glance at the mirror now and then, to make sure we are doing well.
8. Difficulty maintaining relationship
Everyone has met a couple like this: He loves pizza with lots of cheese as the topping; but the smell of cheese makes her nauseous. Horror films excite her; but he finds even mildly scary movies unwatchable.
They are two people who don’t make sense as a couple on paper, but when you see them together in the real world, it’s clear their relationship is a happy one.
“How do they do it? They must have some magic, secret relationship sauce only they have discovered,” you think to yourself.
The secret sauce in a happy relationship isn’t magic; it’s empathy.
According to a marriage and family therapist, Dr Andrea Brandt (2020), a relationship without empathy quickly hits a bump. A few weeks or months in, you discover your partner is not the person you thought they were when you started dating. Suddenly you’re confronted with the fact that he or she doesn’t always share your preferences or opinions, and you begin to have the same argument again and again: Your partner wants to go to brunch on Sunday mornings, but you want to eat at home. You want to curl up with the Sunday edition of the Times, but your partner wants to go on a hike. You thought your partner was a pancakes-at-home person, but suddenly they’re not. What happened? The truth is, they never were that person. You just assumed they were because you are.
Relationships can fall apart because of these kinds of differences, but empathy can create a bridge and generate mutual respect. A long-term romantic relationship has to be based on more than shared likes and mutual dislikes. You and your partner may agree 99% of the time, but it’s that 1% that can spell disaster if there’s no empathy between you.
If you ever noticed that you or your close family members or friends exhibit such signs, don’t hesitate to ask for professional help. After getting the appropriate diagnosis by the psychiatrist, one treatment option is referral to the clinical psychologist so that the patient can be subjected to cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT incorporates a wide range of techniques to modify these factors, including cognitive restructuring, behavior modification, exposure, psychoeducation, and skills training. In addition, CBT for personality disorders emphasizes the importance of a supportive, collaborative and well-defined therapeutic relationship, which enhances the patient’s willingness to make changes and serves as a potent source of contingency (Matusiewicz, Hopwood, Banducci, & Lejuez; 2010).
REFERENCES
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