8 Signs You’re The Scapegoat in a Toxic Family

Do you know what it means to be someone’s “scapegoat”? Defined as “the person blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency”, being the scapegoat in a toxic family is one of the most overlooked but damaging ways a dysfunctional home life can have on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. 

Usually, the person who becomes the scapegoat tends to either be the most vulnerable (because they are the easiest to control and exploit) or the most emotionally stable  member of the family (because they are perceived to be the greatest threat to the abuser/s). 

With that said, if this is already ringing a bell to you and making you start to wonder if you’re the scapegoat in a toxic family, here are 8 undeniable signs to help you figure it out:

1. They are verbally abusive towards you.

Verbal abuse is defined as a type of abuse that often involves yelling, criticism, name-calling, gaslighting, threatening, and other belittling behaviors meant to attack a victim’s self-esteem. As with any other form of abuse, it can be seriously detrimental to its victims’ mental health and emotional well-being, often leading to feelings of chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and social isolation when prolonged (Vissing, Straus, Gelles & Harrop, 1991). So if your family often makes fun of you, puts you down, and humiliates you in public, their verbal abuse is most likely a tactic meant to turn you into their scapegoat.

2. They take their problems out on you.

Toxic families often stay this way because they don’t have a healthy and constructive way of dealing with their problems or handling their emotions. So what do they do instead? Well, sad to say, they tend to lash out on others and project their negativity towards those around them, especially those most vulnerable or easily controlled (like a parent towards their child, or an older sibling towards their younger sibling). So if you feel more like a psychological punching bag to all your family’s problems instead of an actually valued and respected member of the household, then this might be why (Dare, 1993).

3. They pin the blame on you for everything.

The moment anything goes wrong at home, you know it won’t be long before your family starts pointing their fingers at you again, even for things you didn’t even know about or have any control over! If someone broke a dish or a mug, if the bill wasn’t paid on time, if your sibling isn’t doing well in school — they’ll always find a way to blame you for it and make you feel bad, as if everything they do wrong is somehow on you.

4. They undermine all your achievements.

Aside from making you feel like you can’t ever do anything right, your family also likes to undermine all your achievements and sabotage your success every chance they get. Not only do they not support you in your pursuit of your goals and dreams, but they discourage you and mock you for even trying. They might pass it off as “tough love” or a little “good-natured fun” but deep down inside, you know they don’t really want to see you succeed (Hoobler & Brass, 2006). 

5. They expect you to fix all their problems.

As awful and abusive as your family can be, who do they always come running to the moment they get themselves in trouble? You, of course! You’re the one they call to clean up all their messes, to lend them a helping hand when they need it. But no matter how many times you do, they are never thankful or satisfied with all that you do for them. No, they are overbearing and entitled, demanding that you help them or else you’ll regret it!

6. They turn a blind eye to your suffering.

Maybe it’s not your entire family that actively mistreats and abuses you, but rather, just a parent or an older sibling, for example. The fact still remains, however, that even if the rest of your family is not an active participant in your mistreatment, they are still passively enabling it every time they ignore your cries for help and fail to stand up for you to your abuser. They might try to downplay the abuse or justify it in some way to make themselves feel better, but it doesn’t make their actions (or lack of it) any less terrible. 

7. The abuse goes beyond the home setting.

Ever feel like your parents always turn you into the butt of the joke at every family gathering? Or use every chance they can get to complain about you and let other people know just how disappointed they are in you (like in parent-teacher conferences, recitals/games that you’ve lost, and so on)? Abusive behaviors such as these that go beyond the home setting are a prime example of what it means to be the family scapegoat; they are doing this all to make sure everyone knows they’re not to blame for the way you “turned out” (Schuchts & David, 1981).

8. The abuse is already affecting your well-being. 

Finally, but perhaps most importantly, one of the most telling signs that your family is toxic and treats you as their scapegoat is if their abuse stays with you, no matter how long ago it’s been. The psychological wounds they’ve inflicted on you may manifest as either low self-esteem, insecure attachment towards others, difficulty maintaining close relationships, and issues with intimacy, emotional vulnerability, and codependency. And studies show that the emotional trauma of growing up with a dysfunctional family and being treated as their scapegoat lasts well into adulthood (Shonkoff, et al., 2012).

So if you or anyone you know is struggling with an abusive family/living situation, please do not hesitate to reach out to a mental healthcare professional today and get the help you need. And if you ever feel that you are in physical danger around your abuser(s) or worry the situation might become more serious, get in touch with the authorities (such as the police or other relevant organizations) immediately. 

References:

• Dare, Christopher. (1993). “The Family Scapegoat.” How and why Children Hate: 31.
• Hoobler, J. M., & Brass, D. J. (2006). Abusive supervision and family undermining as displaced aggression. Journal of Applied psychology, 91(5), 1125.
• Shonkoff, J. P., Garner, A. S., Siegel, B. S., Dobbins, M. I., Earls, M. F., McGuinn, L., … & Committee on Early Childhood, Adoption, and Dependent Care. (2012). The lifelong effects of early childhood adversity and toxic stress. Pediatrics, 129(1), e232-e246.
• Schuchts, R. A., & David, J. R. (1981). Combating the scapegoat in family therapy: Selected strategies. Social Thought, 7(4), 14-24.
• Vissing, Y. M., Straus, M. A., Gelles, R. J., & Harrop, J. W. (1991). Verbal aggression by parents and psychosocial problems of children. Child abuse & neglect, 15(3), 223-238.