Many people talk about depression and anxiety as separate, but both can be experienced together. Depression sucks every ounce of energy and motivation you have left. Nothing amuses you anymore, not even your favorite hobbies. Your room smells and is dirty cause cleaning it is too much. And to top it off you haven’t showered in days. While anxiety makes you feel on edge, always panicky. Your mind is running uncontrollably and you feel the need to be doing something or you will lose it. The combination of both are hell.
Your depression makes you want to lie in bed all day doing nothing, but your anxious mind keeps reminding you of all the things you need to do. So, you must force yourself out of bed, dragging your legs as you walk. You feel exhausted with a heavy weight on your shoulders, but you continue. You feel like a zombie, because your numb inside even though you are obligating yourself to complete your responsibilities.
When your depression worsens, you fall back. You just can’t handle it anymore so you go back to lying in bed all day spaced out or you sit down in front of the television and stare at it instead of watching tv. Your anxiety kicks in as you see deadlines coming in, but you still can’t find the energy to do anything. Your brain can’t stay quiet as it notices the time you had to complete a task is over, so you fall into a full-blown panic attack. Once that is over, you hate yourself for being too “lazy” and giving up on the things you love. By this time your anxious mind is whispering all sorts of negative things, such as; “your worthless” or “look at yourself you can’t even do anything right”.
You start planning excuses to tell your parents, teachers, friends, and bosses for failing on finishing your homework, chores, and other tasks. Your depressed side wants to tell them what’s going on for help, but your anxiety won’t let you do that. You truly believe that if you speak the truth you will be disregarded as a fool or seen as less. And to top it off you miss on hangouts with friends and family. You want to see them but your depression doesn’t allow you to while your anxiety is keeps reminding you of how lonely you are.
Having depression and anxiety feels like a tug of war. You have no desire to do anything, but your anxiety does. It’s as if you are exhausted and fearful at the same time. You don’t want to be a failure, but can’t do anything about it. It’s wanting to be loved and accepted without the effort of socializing. And worst of all it’s feeling everything while being numb at the same time. You end up asking yourself, “How do you run from what’s inside your head?” because you can’t control your thoughts. In fact, it is your thoughts that control you. You feel overwhelmed with everything. It gets to the point where you don’t really know what’s wrong, but you feel irritated with everything. Even the smallest noises like peoples’ voices makes you want to snap.
I once read a quote that summarizes depression and anxiety perfectly. “Some days I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worse; drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst.” But it isn’t until you realize that the true monster doesn’t live under you bed, but inside your head. That’s when you can gain control of your life once again. It takes baby steps, and some days you will fall back again. You will ask yourself, is this even worth the try. But let me tell you it is because it is worth it to see the old you again. It is worth to be happy again, it is worth to smile and laugh again. But you won’t get there until you wake up from your own nightmare. I hope this short story can help you understand what you are going through better.