I have hope, dreams, and goals, but depression slithers on my back. Whispering doubts and lies. Depression feels like a leech. It holds on tightly, making it hard to rid myself of this torment. It dims my sunny days. It makes food taste bad. It makes me feel unloved while surrounded by those who care. It puts binoculars on my eyes to focus on my mistakes instead of my accomplishments. Worst of all it makes me believe that life isn’t worth it. Implementing in my mind all sorts of ways to end my life. Depression is cruel, savage, merciless, haunting, and dreadful. As I stand I see people swimming while I drown, gasping for air. Depression is a magician, pulling all sorts of tricks on my mind and soul. It poisons my spirit. Taints my life. Depression has left scars that no one can see. Depression does not discriminate, it simply attacks whomever, wherever, and whenever.
One thing I won’t let happen, is let my depression win. I won’t allow it to destroy my life and take me farther from my goals. I have lived far too long under dread and torment. I am tired of staying in bed all day. I am fatigued. I am annoyed of affecting my health from the lack of sleep and unhealthy eating habits. I won’t give up anymore. Because the last time I tried to commit suicide, my parents cried and that day my brother and his girlfriend sent me through the mail gifts and a beautiful letter. Stating how much they loved and cared for me. How much they wanted to see me. And that my fellow readers, smacked me in the face. It took off my blindfold. As the world felt brighter and lighter, I cried. I cried like no other day. Water falls came down my eyes. I screamed and could not speak. I felt guilty! Shameful for not seeing. Remorseful for living with indignity all my life. Liable for not allowing myself to live. Guilty for not accepting happiness.
Ever since then I have made it my sole mission to fight. Now, I see myself as a survivor who battles depression. I no longer feel like a victim that struggles with it. The day I almost took my life, was the day I learned to embrace it. Depression will no longer be the author of my book. I have since then started a new journey and I will be the one to write my happy ending. I will come out victorious and look at my past as a lesson instead of a destiny. I will continue to step forward and be greedy with my decisions. I will from now on silence that inner voice that whispers destruction.
Many people have asked me, how did I recover? How did I overcome it completely? My honest answer is, I haven’t. I have learned to be happy despite having depression. I have learned to not listen to it. I look at myself in the mirror each day and smile. I wake-up each day and hustle, although I want to sleep all day. I eat the right foods, even if my mind is trying to convince me to buy junk food. I text my friends, even if I want to isolate myself. I hug my parents and tell my friends and family I love them, even I want to stay quiet. I get up and open the door to my house and stare in awe, as I take in the beauty of everyday life.
Why am I so determined you might ask? Because I have wasted my whole life. I have gone to concerts and felt dead inside. I have seen beautiful destinations under dim light. I became used to not feeling anything. I relied on destructive habits to feel. Everything from self-harm to drugs. I would drown my sorrow in alcohol and that scared the heck out of me. Because I was becoming an alcoholic just like my biological father. I was becoming unrecognizable. I wasn’t the woman, little me back then dreamed of becoming.
So now, I fight and listen to my heart because my mind can play ticks. Through my struggles I have realized that my heart is the beacon of hope, the fire that will light my way through the darkness. I will only look back to see how far I have come. I might not be where I want to be, but I am not where I used to be. I will continue to strive forward even if it means dragging myself until my knees bleed because I will never be that fragile, empty girl I used to be. Tasting true happiness has me addicted. I am hooked on a vibrant life. Devoted to love and obsessed with the present. Most of all I am curious to see my dreams unravel before me.
I implore you to let go. Let go of all your suffering. Believe that happiness is attainable even if you can’t see it. Follow your heart and most of all appreciate those who love you because only they will lend a hand when in need. Depression does not have to win. It doesn’t have to control your life. Take the wheel and drive, drive onwards and never look back. Be in the now and appreciate yourself. If you believe, then you will win.
Checkout Psych2Go’s book about Mental Health Recovery:
Check it out here: Mental Illness Recovery Book, “Something I truly enjoyed about this book is the simplicity and the variety of stories which are all focusing in one subject; mental illness. It’s amazing to see how this book connects each story to one another and to the reader. It provides a direct insight of living with mental illness and tips on how to overcome some disorders. If you feel lost, or if you want to help a friend or family member then this is the book for you.” -Carelyn