I think it’s best that I tell you this now. I’m still practicing how to explain or express myself when I’m the topic. I can give you all sort’s of pretty words about other’s, or characters I’ve created for stories. But when it’s me, I have few words. I had a low opinion of myself for a very long time. I had one for such a long time that it’s still some what difficult to describe myself . Believe it or not, that takes practice, and a lot of self observation.
It was really hard to get out of bed for a while. I couldn’t think of a single positive reason too. There was school, home, games, and music. That was it. The thoughts that accompanied were, “Who am I? Why don’t girls like me. Are they my friends, or am I just entertainment?” That was almost three years of my life. My only escape was the screen and some head phones. That was all I had.
There was more to life than that, and I knew it. I just didn’t fell like I deserved it. I wasn’t told I didn’t out right, but social cues embed deep. Even if you don’t know it’s happening. Living with O.C.D. and Depression didn’t help. I knew I wanted more and I tried so hard for it.
After a while I started to give up on trying, and just except the world that I was in. That hollow feeling became normal. It wasn’t entirely hollow though. It felt more like this hole in my heart was trying to expand and swallow me. I started to like it for a while, and hate myself for it. I mean if I wasn’t hurting then I really was hollow, like I was disappearing.
But one day I had a thought. Say something nice about yourself. That was hard, because I never did. So I started small. “I did a good job on that test,” or, “I did a good job cleaning the kitchen today.” I kept going and going until I had a whole list of positive things to say. Before I knew it all the negatives started to fall away. I realized one of the reasons I was always was unhappy was because I never gave myself credit for anything.
It was amazing. I felt like I could fly. There were rebounds sure, but that’s normal. I didn’t get discouraged, and I kept going. It took a while but, I made it. I was happy.
There are a lot of other facets to the story, but it would take way to long to write it all. The main reason I wrote this was to help someone. There were a lot of people that helped me. I just couldn’t see it at first. If you guys are struggling, I want you to do something for me. Find something you like. Something pretty or fun, and congratulate yourself for thinking about something positive.