Hey, Psych2Goers! We’re about to get really real today, so this is your invitation to mentally prepare. Are you single and feel like you’ll never be in a relationship? Why do you feel that way? If you’re reading this, it might be that you believe your appearance is the reason for your single status. I hear you, and I think a lot of us have felt the same a time or two. However, I’m here to tell you this is not fact. This is perception. It’s both your perception of yourself and your perception of how others perceive you. Let’s talk about why you are not “too ugly” for a relationship and how to change this perception.
Before we dig in too deep, please know that this article is meant for informational purposes only. This is not meant to be a substitute for professional therapy. If you identify with this article, please reach out to a trusted mental health professional.
Where Did These Feelings Come From?
First thing’s first. We need to figure out where this feeling comes from. Negative feelings about physical appearance can come from a multitude of places. It can be something you’re genuinely insecure about, something an ex told you they don’t prefer, or maybe someone made fun of you for that thing. Identifying if this is something you feel or something you were told can help to determine your true feelings. If you were always told that brown eyes were ugly (true story of mine), it would make sense that you don’t like your own brown eyes. BUT that one day that someone takes a picture of you in amazing light that makes your eyes glisten, you might see the true beauty.
Think about yourself and any insecurities you may have about yourself, then ask yourself “Why do I feel this way?” This can be the first step to turning your outlook around!
What Do I Do with These Feelings?
Identifying the issue is the first step in making changes. Once you’ve figured out where your negative feelings come from, you have to figure out what to do with them. My personal recommendation is to write down everything down in excruciating detail with the goal of working through these feelings with a trusted mental health professional. As you go through your thoughts, take note of which things are facts and which can be an opinion. An example would be “I have red hair” versus “The color of my hair is gross”. Once you’ve found the things that are opinions, decide to I agree with this or what I told this. You can also make a note of something you can do to help you feel more confident. If a mental health professional is not available to you, you can also talk to a loved one who you can be completely open and honest with.
Dissecting these thoughts and feelings will help you identify what you believe about yourself. Coming up with small action items helps you be in control of how you see yourself and helps to change how others see you!
And I Care Because…?
We’re talking about changes and working through feelings and bleh! It’s a lot; I know. But are you ready for the big reveal? Not all physical attractiveness is based on what you see. Mind BLOWN! In 2015, a group of researchers led by Agata Groyecka found that physical attraction ISN’T just what you see as it is what you pick up by your other senses. Things like the sound of your voice, your smell, the way the person feels when you touch them, and them seeing you being confident are just as important to determining if someone is physically attracted to you. When you feel icky about yourself, you portray that to others. Because of the negative vibe, people may not want to spend too much time with you, period. When you’re confident and have built a positive self-image, that radiates from you, too! Others like to see and hear that which increase the odds of them being attracted to you.
Added bonus! Relationships are like dominoes. If one gets knocked over, the rest usually go with it. When your self-image and confident go down, so your mental health, quality and health of relationships, issues with work/school, etc. When you build that confidence back by changing your perception, it helps to improve in those other areas of your life.
You. Are. Beautiful. Inside. And. Out! If you weren’t, you wouldn’t care how others see you, and you probably wouldn’t be reading this. You are not too ugly for a relationship. Take some time to sit with yourself, a loved one, or a trusted mental health professional to explore these thoughts and feelings, see if you can identify where they come from, create an action plan, and work towards a more confident you.
Psych2Goers, thank you so much for reading. It is so important that we are comfortable and confident in ourselves to life a healthy, positive life, not for the sole purpose of finding a relationship. Once you love yourself, the relationship will fall into place. If you found comfort in this article, or if you have something that you like to do when you’re not feeling your best, share it with us in the comments below. As always, keep your eye on Psi for more Psych2Go content.
Have a BEAUTIFUL day (just like you)!
Need more info to see if it’s your insecurities turning people off? Watch 9 Signs of Insecurity That Turns Others Off
The references use in and to compose this article are listed below.
Fugere, M. A. (2017, January 5). Why physical attraction matters, and when it might notMe. Psychology Today. Retrieved April 27, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201701/why-physical-attraction-matters-and-when-it-might-not
Groyecka, A., Pisanski, K., Sorokowska, A., Havlíček, J., Karwowski, M., Puts, D., Roberts, S. C., & Sorokowski, P. (2017). Attractiveness is multimodal: Beauty is also in the nose and ear of the beholder. Frontiers in Psychology, 8. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00778
Gupta, S. (2022, March 22). What is physical attraction? Verywell Mind. Retrieved April 27, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-physical-attraction-5220624#citation-10
Jhangiani, D. R., Tarry, D. H., & Stangor, D. C. (2014, August). Initial attraction. Principles of Social Psychology 1st International H5P Edition. Retrieved April 27, 2022, from https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/chapter/initial-attraction/
Relate. (n.d.). I don’t feel attractive enough to be with my partner. Relate. Retrieved April 27, 2022, from https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/mental-health/i-dont-feel-attractive-enough-be-my-partner