This is the 47th story of the Mental Illness Recovery Series. Anonymous almost starved herself to death, but thankfully she is healthier and in control. This is her story:
Anonymous is from Germany and she loves to read Stephen King books. She used to enjoy horseback riding, Taekwondo, Gymnastics and Volleyball. Her goal is to become stronger, anonymous said, “I learned that taking it a day at a time is personally less stressful. But in 5 years I would love to be emotionally and financially stable and independent.” She has been struggling with clinical depression for eight years now and an Eating disorder for four years. She does not know what caused her depression, but she said, “My ED was caused due to the depression; I felt if I changed the way I ate I had some form of control over my life, I was of course very wrong.”
Anonymous received treatment in 2011, she said, “Since then I have seen around 10 to 12 psychiatrists, therapists, psycho analysists, counselors, taken a lot of medications, and had two hospital admissions.” At the beginning she felt sadness, nothing made her happy anymore, she became isolated and miserable for no apparent reason. Anonymous began to cut in order to ease the emotional pain and it was difficult for her to stay motivated, she said, “There were days were I was unable to get out of bed because it just seemed impossible, I saw no point in doing anything because I was worth nothing.” She began to starve herself in 2011, anonymous said, “I felt like if I lost weight everything would get better even though I knew it wouldn’t really, it was just another form of self-harm, another way to kill oneself, after restricting for 4 months I started purging, eating away the pain and getting rid of it afterwards. It was a vicious cycle I saw no end to.”
This mainly affected her relationship with her parents because they suffered too. Her parents were in constant tears and there was fights all the time. Anonymous had to drop out of school for a semester and lost friends. She said, “I started cutting more causing permanent scars. I lost more weight, my hair started falling out, I was cold all the time, I fainted several times a day. My body was failing and so was my mind.” She considered attempting suicide more times than she could count.
Anonymous now takes one day at a time. She realized a bad day is unavoidable; but a bad life is. She is no longer on medications and has learned that whatever she is feeling will pass. Anonymous said, “I learned that talking about it helps ease the pain a bit and that hurting myself only makes it worse.” She doesn’t take things for granted anymore and is more compassionate towards others.
This is anonymous advice for others struggling with similar situations:
“Talk to others, seek help, this is not the end, having self-worth doesn’t make you a bad person, feeling depressed or suicidal doesn’t make you less of a person. Everyone has their own demons to deal with. Depression can feel like a safe haven that slowly turns into a prison cell. But you’re strong and you can overcome this if you choose to. It’s a choice only you can make. In the end it’s a war were anyone can prove to be a hero.”
Anonymous still has a long way to go and I am positive that with the help of her parents she will pull through. Help me make a difference by sharing your story.