Being an introvert in an extroverted world is not easy, especially in the dating scene. The American writer and lecturer Susan Cain mentioned in her book Quiet: The power of introverts in the world that can’t stop talking that it is ideal for people to be loud, outgoing, and sociable. this idea resonates with how we interact with others on a daily basis. We, the introverts, have heard so many people tell us that in order to be happy in a relationship we ought to be party-goers, wild, and getting back home after midnight. But is it too much to ask for a nice night in, away from the world that can’t stop talking?
So while there are people who care about the amount of friends they have, such as extroverts, there are people at the other end of the spectrum that tend to be a bit picky, even when it comes to their partners. And if you’re thinking of dating an introvert, here are eight qualities an introvert looks for in a partner.
1. The Understanding of Wanting More Space
And a lot of it. There is even a scientific evidence to support introvert’s need to have an alone time. Hans Eysenck, German-born English psychologist, defined introverts by their baseline arousal. It was apparent that introverts have high baseline arousal and need little social interaction to reach satisfaction. So next time an introvert asks for some space, it doesn’t mean they abhor you, instead, it means they are completely content with the amount of time they have spent with you and now wish to be with themselves.
2. Quality Time Over Partying
Being young, wild, and free became a slogan for teenage lifestyle nowadays. Even couples in their honeymoon phase are expected to go out often and roam the city at night with their friends, hitting the bars every now and then. Although there is nothing wrong with that, the thought of staying out for long hours in the company of a lot of drunken people is tiring for an introvert.
Having an outgoing partner is too much for an introvert to handle. We understand that a wild partner needs to be out and about, but there is no future with such partner. If you want to woo an introvert, whisper into their ear if they wish to go on a trip to the bookstore or to stay home and watch movies and talk. This is enough to make any introvert go numb.
3. A Good Listener
Don’t roll your eyes, my dear reader, and mention how this quality is something that everyone looks for in a partner. You’ve heard in movies and books, I know, I know. Although it may be true, introverts have a specific reason to want a partner who’s all ears. Spending most of the time alone causes anyone to contemplate life and existence, or to think about the queer ending of a movie they have seen recently. Brain scans have shown a thicker prefrontal cortex in introverts, which is associated with deeper thoughts. Asking an introvert what are they thinking about will cause goosebumps all over their bodies. But beware, only ask said question if you are willing to listen intently because you will definitely not get a short answer.
4. A Patient Texter
Don’t even get me started on those who constantly text me non-stop as if they want me to end them. Texting has become part of our daily lives so much that if you decide to call someone, you are then considered a sinner. But texting is as tiring as socializing to introverts. If you are one of those clingy-texters who text avidly and get irritated when you don’t hear an immediate reply to your mediocre question “How are you?” then you are not going to have much fun with an introvert. Having a more patient approach towards texting an introvert is the key. Introverts might have seen your text and appreciated it, but they just don’t feel like texting back. If you force an introvert to text back when they don’t want to then you might actually have a better chance at having a much more interesting conversation with damp bread.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t text at all because, as mentioned before, introverts appreciate your texts. If anything, they don’t want you to stop texting them first, even though they won’t always respond.
5. Intellectual Capability of Carrying Out A Deep Conversation
Do you want an introvert? Read more books, watch documentaries or interesting movies, read more articles…because being an introvert means having a lot of in depth conversations instead of your shallow “Hello’s” and “How are you’s.”
As mentioned before, introverts have a thicker prefrontal cortex, which means they think on a much deeper level. And sitting alone most of the time will cause them to develop a lot of ideas and hobbies that they would like to discuss more often with their partner. Talking is one activity that you don’t have to worry about when you’re out partying with your partner, but when your partner prefers staying in or going to a quiet place, expect a lot of deep talks.
Although listening is an important aspect of a relationship, don’t just be silent. when all you can do is nod and smile at your partner without adding any intellectual thought on the subject, things may get a bit boring. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist or a Picasso to be able to carry out a deep conversation with an introvert. For starters, ask them what books/movies they recommend and go read/watch them and then discuss them with your partner.
Not all introverts will talk about the same subject, but they will all talk in same depth.
6. Comfortable With Silence
There’s nothing more off-putting to an introvert than a person who says, “Well this is awkward,” when referring to the silence between them. Introverts enjoy quietude and silent moments. They are observers and listeners. Not every moment needs to be littered with noises. An ideal partner is a person who understands the power of silence.
Being clingy contradicts an introvert’s need for space and a patient texter. Constantly wanting to be there with your partner is seen as endearing to some, but suffocating to an introvert. Next time an introvert tells you, “I need some alone time,” don’t show up at their doorsteps, claiming, “Alone time together, right?”
8. Having Some Hobbies
When one tends to be alone most of the time, one develops a lot of hobbies. An Introvert is someone who tends to have more hobbies that don’t necessarily have anything to do with socializing, (reading a book, jogging, having a F.R.I.E.N.D.S marathon for the tenth time, baking.)
Although it is not a requirement, when an introvert’s partner has some hobbies of their own, giving their introverted partner space becomes much easier. When you don’t have anything to do, you tend to text your partner or ask them to hang out, which most of the time is the complete opposite of what your introverted partner needs. To avoid clinginess and boredom, it is ideal to have hobbies of your own to occupy you.
In A Nutshell
This extroverted world causes a lot of misconceptions regarding introverts. And it is more complicated to date an introvert than an anyone else. Introverts are all different and diverse. However, the key to a successful relationship with an introvert is understanding what makes them an introvert.
Extraversion and Introversion. (n.d.). Retrieved September 15, 2017, from https://www.psychologistworld.com/influence-personality/extraversion-introversion#references
Also, please watch our video on 10 Signs an Introvert Likes You!