Sex. Yes or No? How to Know if You Aren’t Quite Ready

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.” — John Barrymore

When I was in high school, I dated often. A cute guy would ask me out, and I would pretend to think about it and say I had to make sure I didn’t already have plans. Of course, I never had plans and always said yes. I would wait for Friday to come with great anticipation and spend hours getting ready.

The date would start off fine, General chit chat about school, homework, teachers, and whatnot kept us busy followed by a movie or maybe we’d hang out at the local hang-out spot with friends.

I always had to be home by midnight, and the end of the date was inevitable. Kissing, wandering hands, clothes in disarray, the usual pre-sex stuff was to be expected. I knew the point would come though when I would want to say no, and he would be taking me home.

I always wondered what was going through my date’s minds when they dropped me off. I knew two things for certain. I wouldn’t be asked out on a second date, and he wouldn’t have any conquests to share with the boys on Monday morning at school.

I was happy to wait. I knew I wasn’t ready because the thought of having sex with my date, any of my dates, made me want to run the other way. Then I fell in love and everything changed.

You are Uncomfortable Talking About Sex

If you can’t talk about the ins and outs (no pun intended) of a sexual relationship, the odds are that you are not ready to be in one. If you get anxious and uncomfortable or avoid the topic altogether, then you should wait to have sex.

A sexual relationship requires maturity and the willingness to be able to discuss things like birth control and sexually transmitted diseases. Are you able to ask your partner if they have ever been tested for STD’s? If they have had several sexual partners and have never been tested are you willing to take the chance of getting herpes or gonorrhea?

Your first sexual experience is going to be awkward, and there will be things you don’t know. Are you comfortable sharing what feels good and what does not?  It is normal to feel nervous, but there should be a bit of fluttery excitement when you think about having sex.

You Don’t Feel Safe

There isn’t anything that will make you more vulnerable than taking off your clothes in front of another person. If your partner isn’t someone who makes you feel both physically and emotionally safe, then it isn’t the right time. The right partner will wait when you say you are not ready.

You should never have sex just because everyone else is doing it and you feel left out. Doing it to be part of the group, or because you think the other person will like you more, is NOT a reason to lose your virginity. The only time you should have sex is when YOU decide you want to.

You should also be comfortable and secure in your surroundings. You shouldn’t be worried someone will come home and walk in on you, or that the police will be showing up shining a flashlight through the car window. (Yep that happened once!)

If the circumstances aren’t right, sex becomes stressful and less enjoyable. Whether it’s the first time or the 500th time, stress will take the joy and fun out of sex.

You Expect an Amazing Life Altering Experience

Sorry, but no. It’s not like the movies. It isn’t even close to the romance novels. Why do people make your first sexual experience seem like a sunset ride in a hot air balloon over the ocean? It just isn’t like that. No doubt though, it will be an unforgettable experience.

You’ll never forget how clumsy you felt, or how awkward it seemed. You’ll never forget how you hoped you were doing it right as you wondered what to do with your hands. You’ll remember feeling breathless, excited and nervous as well as all the other small embarrassing details that will make you cringe someday.

What if your stomach starts to grumble. Maybe you’ll accidentally fart. Who knows? Whatever happens. However it goes, it will be unforgettable.

A girl’s first sexual encounter is a big letdown. It is uncomfortable, sometimes painful and you think, “This is sex? This is what I’ve been waiting for?” You think the world will suddenly be different and you will feel grown up. It doesn’t and you don’t/

You Are Not in Love

Although being in love is not a requirement for losing your virginity, if you don’t feel an emotional connection with your partner, your experience will be “blah.”

When you share something as special as yourself with someone you love, every kiss, every whispered word, every touch makes you all fluttery inside. The tender attention a loving partner gives you during intercourse can make the first time seem less painful.

When you agree to have sex with someone you do not love, it’s like making a bargain at a garage sale. You walk away with the item but wonder if there was something better.

You lose out on the pleasure the passion of loving someone brings to the experience.

A Final Thought

The common theme for all the reasons listed above is uncertainty. When you decide you want to have sex, you must be certain you are ready for the responsibility of everything that comes along with that decision. You only lose your virginity once, and it should be a special moment in your life.

Never, ever, have sex to keep a partner in your life. Never have sex if you are pressured. Never have sex if you feel unsafe.

Being a virgin is something to protect and be proud of. It should be respected by every person you date.

What do you think? If you have had sex, how did you know you were ready? Are you happy with your decision or do you wish you would have waited?




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  1. I’ve always maintained that your first sexual partner shouldn’t be anyone special. Someone you feel comfortable with and trust for sure but don’t go into it expecting love. I fell head over heals in love with my first partner and made a complete fool of myself. I was obsessed with her. I was completely blind. She had no interest in me (Maybe I was just REALLY bad). Had I gone into that particular engagement with that in mind, I may have been able to walk away and look back at it fondly and with out cringing. My partner has never been with another person and I can’t help but wonder if she felt the same for me as I did for that girl. Maybe she only put up with some of my bullshit because she was blind too. Also it reiterates my belief that “no sex before you marry” is just a terrible practice. Sexual compatibility is SO important in a long term relationship. We need to get out there and not only find someone that likes what we like but figure it out for ourselfs.

    1. Hi Brad,

      You know, at one point in my life I would have disagreed with you. I would have said wait until you are in love before you have sex the first time. But an older wiser me agrees that for some, just liking and trusting someone, as well as the desire to do it, can be enough. Love is the magic ingredient that takes a sexual experience to a blissful new level.

      I don’t think you are alone when you say you fell in love with your first partner. A majority of us do and that is often our first broken heart. Sex and emotion are tied together. Some people are better at separating that out than others.

      Thanks for sharing. I like all the points you made. Experience makes us wise and looking back is always 20/20.

  2. While I agree you should have some connection with people you have sex with, and certainly the first time… some people enjoy casual sex, and that’s okay too.

    1. Hi Paige, yes that it absolutely ok. This is more meant for that very first time. It’s true though that for some it isn’t a big deal. However, casual or not, sex comes with a big responsibility that both people should be prepared for.

  3. To answer your question from the third paragraph, it’s because a lot of people that have to wait until after high school just want to be loved because they never really were as kids. They think more so that the love itself will help them from their depression. Some people were never really loved, nor had enough social experience or expertise to loose it in high school like most people [or so it seems]. Others want to be the ones getting stimulated while they are expected to take a more stimulating role. Do you really think it’s normal to loose it whilst being a kid, or do you also think that age number is artificially low because virgins don’t want to admit to being virgins and that the studies only focus on those who did it then who were willing to answer?


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