The Undefined Relationship

Christina Tran

The title says it all: the undefined relationship. Something that most of us (ladies, at least) avoid like the plague. No one desires to be the side piece.

You know: the person who is likeable but not likeable enough to commit to. The person who is misleadingly introduced as just “the friend”. The one who was almost invited to family functions. You know, the person who is almost good enough. They key word is almost.

Maybe they were missing that “it” factor. You aren’t smiling ear to ear at the thought of them. You don’t feel that deep connection. You don’t feel that extreme excitement to see them.

Maybe it’s bad timing. You’re establishing yourself career wise and she’s still chasing her dreams. You just got out of a relationship and want to regain your independence. You want to be you again, you want to have the freedom to be selfish again. You just want to enjoy your youth.

Maybe it’s the distance. Is it worth it to enter a relationship where you have to drive a few hours to see someone once or twice a month?

You’re testing out the waters before you commit. They’re testing out the waters before they commit.

Confession: I am currently in an undefined relationship. I’m single. He’s single. Never did I think I would be in this position and I wouldn’t say I’ve lowered my standards for him. We both are making an effort to see if what we have is worth looking past the distance and bad timing aspect. We have an extremely deep connection but situational factors are not ideal. The distance between us is (somewhat) vast and it’s kind of bad timing as he potentially might move even further away. The good aspect of this is that it’s not that we both question our feelings for one another; we both have very strong feelings for one another. We are striving to see if the many sacrifices we’ve made to see each other (physically) are worth it. It’s not just like I can spontaneously ask him to accompany me to the movies tonight; he and I wish it was that simple but it’s not. Yet again, nothing in life is simple, right?

With that said, I recently stumbled upon an article that inspired me to expand on this topic about the undefined relationship that most of us young adults participate in. The article is: http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-m-smith/2014/08/i-am-the-girl-you-almost-date/

Now, an undefined relationship is not a friends with benefits. I do not have anything against friends with benefits for other individuals however, I would not allow myself to participate in one. Friends with benefits is a defined relationship. It is extremely clear that whoever is taking part in this relationship is well aware that they share a friendship with sexual partition. That’s it. It’s defined. Likewise, a friendship is a defined relationship. A romantic love is defined. A strictly sexual relationship is defined.

On the other hand, an undefined relationship is exactly that-you cannot sincerely call it anything else but an undefined relationship.

According to psychologytoday.com, the undefined relationship can be better classified as both friends and lovers, with that emotional connection. The philosopher, Perry Como, states that these types of relationships are incomplete, restless and undefined. These relationships seek for something more. Genuine romance is different in the aspect that you have mainly obtained what you wanted A genuine love does not make one crave for something more. Being in love is often times described as being in paradise-how can anyone want anything more than that? The undefined relationship, for the most part, is incomplete and there’s always something missing and unfilled.

The attractive aspect of the undefined relationship is that there’s no strings attached- there’s no obligation to call them, make plans, text them, bring them to family functions, introduce them with a title, etc. This is tempting to engage in when one wants the benefits of a relationship but also, wants to be “young, wild and free”.

In this regard, Jennifer Wright writes: “The appeal of [an undefined relationship] seems to be that it’s about having ‘no drama.’ No one complains about anything. No one is required to make plans. Really, the only emotion you’re supposed to register is unparalleled bliss and physical delight. Of course, it backfires and results in infinitely more drama and crying, because the world is a dark and twisted place.”

The lure of the no drama relationship is definitely appealing. No one likes drama and that is a common understanding. However, eventually down the road, one (or maybe both) partners will get aggravated by the restricted benefits. Feelings will be hurt and demands will be made; one or the other will start getting jealous, questioning why they aren’t getting as much attention, etc. Therefore, the whole “no drama” plan reverses itself completely.

Bottom line, an undefined relationship is very tricky to navigate and doing so for a period of extended time is even more difficult. Any situation where romantic feelings are involved have a high probability of getting complicated and entering a relationship with no title is setting oneself up for a disaster.

 

Xoxo,

Chrissy

Sources:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201109/lovers-benefits

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-m-smith/2014/08/i-am-the-girl-you-almost-date/

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