Living your whole live with depression will trick your mind into thinking that depressive symptoms are normal. It becomes engraved into your ‘self’. It becomes a part of who you are. It feels natural to be fatigued, empty, lifeless, and lonely. You get used to seeing the world in gray tones. You grow accustomed to survival and being defensive and obsessive of your emotions. You don’t realize how you’ve shifted in negativity, and pessimism. You don’t recognize that you have become addicted to overthinking and suffering. Happiness feels foreign, so you sabotage good situations. You run from happiness because somehow depression has convinced you that life will take it away.
Insomnia, nightmares, headaches, stomachaches, back pain, muscle tension, weight gain and weight loss become the norm. You develop an obsession with food and some days you are disgusted by it. You frequently devour everything in your fridge trying to fill in that whole in your heart. While occasionally your distaste toward food is so intense you end up vomiting.
Eventually, you start to cover up your emotions. To hide what’s is going on and when you do, suddenly, it feels satisfying to not have to explain yourself to the world. You prefer to hide in your own dark and treacherous mind. You suppress your suffering with fake smiles and laughter. You crack jokes with your friends and family. You act cheerful and happy. All in a dire attempt to hide that side of yourself that you hate. That part that yourself, that has convinced you of your worthlessness.
You become one with depression and don’t notice there is a different way of living. You don’t perceive how much your destructive habits are taking a toll. You can’t see past the blindfold over your eyes. When those around you take notice of your depression, you act defensive. When loved ones become worried and question your behavior. You feel attacked and misunderstood. When this happens, you feel so vulnerable that you unconsciously put the blame on others. You don’t own up to your depression because it is deeply rooted inside.
It has persuaded you to believe it is not there. By convincing you it is the external world. That people are evil and have ill intentions. You become certain that if you don’t protect yourself, there will be greater suffering. You conclude that the human race is hostile, dangerous, and unforgiving. You observe the world with revulsion. You feel on edge, and sometimes your mind snaps. Suddenly, the everything appears unreal and ending your life seems like a brilliant idea. Yet you blame the world because you can’t accept your depression.
You become aware of your two options. One is to end your life and two is to hold onto hope. Even though there is a part of you attached to the darkness there is another side holding onto dear life. Acknowledge the side that is yearning for happiness. Accepting your depression is no easy task, but I promise. If you do your life will change for the better. Viewing your behavior with different eyes can be overwhelming. Questioning your irrational beliefs will make you feel angry. I implore you to use the anger to fuel your journey to recovery. It shouldn’t be normal to live with depression and all the symptoms that you have become accustomed to shouldn’t rule your life. You can live happy despite having depression.
This is my personal point of view. It’s what I have noticed in myself throughout the years. Do you feel the same about depression? Have you experienced it differently? Let me know in the comment section below.
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