Why We Stay In A Relationship Longer Than We Should?

Have you ever looked at a long-lasting relationship, perhaps a friend’s, and thought, “I wish I had something like that”? Well, although it is likely that the relationship is as good as it looks, you would be surprised by the number of relationships that last longer than they should. What is so impressive about people is how adaptable and flexible we are, how we are willing to change to make a relationship work. But there are instances where it is just better to move on to avoid hurting ourselves. In this article, I will be discussing the main reasons why people are afraid to move on from a relationship, even when they know it is not going to work anymore.

Scared of the unknown

This fear comes from the uncertainty that comes from ending something that has consistently been a part of our lives. Thoughts such as, “Will I be able to find someone else?”, or, “What if this only makes things worse?”, will pop into your head and create fear as you try to decide what to do.

However, this same fear should be applied the other way when taking a decision. We should also be focusing on what we are missing out on if we stay in a relationship that we do not want. In the end, it’s better to do something than to do nothing when we are in positions we do not want to be in (Sartore, 2018).

Guilt or shame

Feeling guilt or shame about leaving your partner could be one of the worst reasons to stay in a relationship. We tend to focus on the guilt we would feel if we moved on from our partners. But, by choosing to stay in a relationship that we are not committed to, we are causing a lot more harm to our partners and ourselves. So, if you are staying in a relationship only because of guilt, it is better to move on and give yourself and your partner another shot at happiness with someone else (Sartore, 2018).

Sense of duty/loyalty to partner

As partners, it is only natural that you develop a high degree of loyalty towards each other. Afterall, it is one of the most important aspects in relationships. However, the sense of loyalty can become one of the toughest obstacles to overcome when trying to move on. It might be a habit that, even though you try to move on from your partner, keeps pulling you back into the relationship.

Dependency

Partner dependence is another very important factor that makes couples last longer than they should. Depending on your partner is necessary and one of the main benefits of having a relationship. However, problems arise when we depend on our partners for all our emotional needs (Raypole, 2020). Relationships with higher partner dependence are more valuable, even if satisfaction is not high (Ludden, 2018), making it harder to move on.

Not being honest with our feelings

This is one of the most common reasons why people stay in relationships for too long. Deceiving ourselves and forcing the relationship to continue is very harmful since it can cause other problems to arise. For example, deceiving ourselves to continue in the relationship can also deceive our partners, making them think we are committed. This makes it very difficult for either person to end the relationship and move on.

Not wanting to “fail”

Similarly to not being honest with our feelings, not wanting to “fail” is a way to force a relationship to continue for longer than it should. People who stay in an unhealthy relationship usually equate walking away to personal failure (Weber, 2017). This can develop into harmful behaviours such as overworking for love and attention from your partner, which results in a loss of attention for ourselves.

Prioritise our partner’s happiness over our own

Prioritising our partner’s needs is an essential part of building a good relationship, as it deepens the bonds and shows your partner how committed you are (Moore, 2020). However, this is likely to carry over and be an obstacle when we try to decide if the relationship should continue. Focusing on our partner’s happiness and how ending the relationship might hurt them will lead to staying as a couple longer than we should. And, as mentioned before, forcing a relationship while not being genuinely committed will bring worse problems.

Worry over ending up alone

Just as any other thing, long-lasting relationships are interactions that we get used to, so the idea of being alone is something that influences the decisions we make. Being afraid of loneliness is not necessarily associated with not wanting to be independent. Rather, it just means that by ending a relationship, that special person who you could fall back to before will be gone (Bottaro, 2020).

Feeling of having invested too much time and energy

The amount of time and energy invested in long-lasting relationships can make ending a relationship a lot harder. It makes us feel like all the time and energy invested in the relationship was wasted (Bottaro, 2020), and that forcing the relationship might be the only way to make this investment worth. However, people tend to forget that, even though the relationship did not work, they learnt various lessons along the way. Having this train of thought could be helpful when deciding.

Not trusting ourselves to make a decision

The emotional attachment that comes from being in a long-lasting relationship makes it so difficult to be the one deciding to end it. It involves thinking about every factor that I mentioned above, and essentially making the decision for yourself and your partner. Each factor mentioned before has the potential to make even the most confident person, doubt himself/herself. The lack of self-trust and doubt will unnecessarily extend the relationship for longer than it should until we decide to face the problem head on and trust ourselves to make the right decision.

To conclude this article, it is very common to be in a relationship for much longer than you should, and no one is expected to be able to immediately notice this. Considering all the emotional attachments involved, there are even times where taking things slowly might be better for couples to figure things out. However, it’s important to be aware and understand the reasons why people might be in a relationship longer than they should so that, if the time comes, we can use this information to make the right decision.

References

Bottaro, A., 2020. If You’re Staying In A Relationship For Any Of These Reasons, You’re Making A Big Mistake. [online] Bolde. Available at: <https://www.bolde.com/staying-relationship-any-reasons-making-mistake/> [Accessed 4 September 2020].

Ludden, D., 2018. Why You Stay Even Though You Want To Leave. [online] Psychology Today. Available at: <https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201810/why-you-stay-even-though-you-want-leave> [Accessed 4 September 2020].

Moore, C., 2020. Prioritizing Your Partner | Why It’s Important. [online] Marriage Means Moore. Available at: <https://marriagemeansmoore.com/prioritizing-your-partner-why-its-important/#:~:text=What%20prioritizing%20your%20partner%20basically,a%20deeper%2C%20more%20fulfilling%20connection.> [Accessed 4 September 2020].

Raypole, C., 2020. How To Recognize And Work Through Emotional Dependency. [online] Healthline. Available at: <https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-dependency> [Accessed 4 September 2020].

Satore, J., 2020. Mutually Miserable: Why Do We Stay In Relationships Longer Than We Should?. [online] Medium. Available at: <https://medium.com/@jennifersartorehulst/mutually-miserable-why-do-we-stay-in-relationships-longer-than-we-should-2e0cd40a43de#:~:text=Fear%20Factor,other%20way%2C%20too%2C%20though.> [Accessed 4 September 2020].

Weber, J., 2017. 5 Reasons Fear Of Failure Sustains Toxic Love. [online] Psychology Today. Available at: <https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201710/5-reasons-fear-failure-sustains-toxic-love> [Accessed 4 September 2020].