5 Signs It’s Enmeshment, Not Love

Can love ever become suffocating? Is it possible for an intense emotional bond to cross the line into an unhealthy enmeshment? 

Love, in its purest form, is a powerful and transformative emotion that can bring immense joy and fulfillment to our lives. However, not all relationships are built on a solid foundation of healthy love. In some cases, what may initially seem like love can actually be enmeshment — a dysfunctional relationship dynamic that blurs boundaries, stifles individuality, and impedes personal growth. 

It’s also important to note that enmeshment can happen for any type of relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or familial. Thus, recognizing the signs and patterns of enmeshment is crucial to cultivating healthier connections rooted in genuine love, mutual respect, and personal growth. With that said, let’s explore some common warning signs that can help us distinguish enmeshment from genuine love, according to experts:

Loss of personal identity

Enmeshment often involves blurred or nonexistent personal boundaries, says licensed counselor Alicia Muñoz. In such relationships, individuals may struggle to differentiate their own thoughts, emotions, and needs from those of their partner. They may feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for their partner’s happiness, sacrificing their own well-being in the process. In contrast, healthy love recognizes the importance of maintaining individuality, personal space, and autonomy within a relationship.

Lack of emotional boundaries

According to psychotherapist Ken Page, enmeshment frequently involves an unhealthy merging of emotions, with partners becoming overly involved in each other’s emotional states. There may be little distinction between one person’s emotions and the other’s, leading to emotional enmeshment. Healthy love acknowledges and respects emotional boundaries, allowing each individual to experience and express their feelings without feeling overwhelmed or responsible for their partner’s emotional well-being.

Loss of personal interests and friendships

Another telling sign of enmeshment is the gradual erosion of personal interests and social connections, explains counselor Melissa Porrey and psychiatrist Dr. Michael MacIntyre. Enmeshed individuals may give up hobbies, friendships, or career aspirations to prioritize the other person’s needs and desires. Their entire world revolves around the relationship, often leading to isolation from other meaningful aspects of life. This often leads to them not having a strong sense of self and struggling to function well alone. Love, in its healthier form, encourages mutual support, shared interests, and the preservation of individual passions and friendships.

Lack of autonomy

According to therapist Dr. Jennifer Litner, enmeshed relationships often lack a sense of autonomy for the individuals involved. Decision-making becomes a collective process where one or both partners struggle to make independent choices without seeking constant validation or permission from the other person. Personal autonomy and the freedom to make individual decisions are essential aspects of a healthy relationship. In contrast, enmeshment can lead to a loss of personal agency, stifling individuality and self-confidence.

Absence of healthy conflict resolution

In enmeshed relationships, conflict resolution can be challenging. According to mental health counselor Dr. Daryl Appleton, disagreements may be avoided or suppressed to maintain a sense of harmony, resulting in unresolved issues and simmering tension. In contrast, healthy love fosters open and respectful communication, encouraging both partners to express their needs, concerns, and opinions. Conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth and understanding rather than a threat to the relationship itself.

Differentiating between enmeshment and love is vital for building and maintaining healthy relationships. Enmeshment can hinder personal growth, create emotional dependency, and erode individual identities. Recognizing the signs of enmeshment empowers individuals to seek healthier relationship dynamics. By prioritizing personal growth, emotional well-being, and mutual respect, we can foster relationships based on genuine love and a strong sense of self.

So, Psych2Goers, what are your thoughts on this video? Did any of the things we’ve talked about here emotionally resonate with you? What are some other signs that made you realize it wasn’t love, but enmeshment? Be sure to let us know in the comments down below! And if you liked this video and found it helpful, please support our work with a like and subscribe. You might also be interested in learning more about…

References:

• Moore, A. & Cullins, W. (2020 Oct 19). What Is Enmeshment? 12 Signs To Spot It & How To Heal. mbg relationships. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/enmeshment-signs-and-how-to-heal
• Porrey, M. & MacIntyre, M. (2022 May 16). What Is Enmeshment, and How Do You Set Boundaries? VeryWell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/enmeshment-healing-steps-5223635
• Litner, J. & Marie, S. (2021 July 30). What Are Enmeshed Relationships? And How to Set Boundaries. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-setting-boundaries-in-enmeshed-relationships