Introspection: Self Harm

Disclaimer: This article will talk about self-harm and suicide. This might be a trigger, and if so there are other wonderful articles in this website that might catch your interest. Fair warning, these are my own personal experiences and do not reflect the countless others who also partake in the act. I would love to hear back from you guys, and if you ever need someone to talk to, just contact me.

Each year, 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males engage in self injury. About 90 percent of people who engage in self harm begin during their teen or pre-adolescent years and about 50 percent of those who engage in self mutilation begin at around 14 and carry on into their 20’s.

Self-harm is an umbrella term for any behavior, action or habit which can cause damage to your health. This can include, but is not limited to, cutting your skin, overeating, taking drugs, smoking and drinking. It also encompasses burning yourself, banging your head on the wall, pulling out your own hair, etc.

I’ve been struggling with self harm throughout all of my high school and it was only when I entered college that I saw any success in shaking off the habit. I have to admit, I’ve been clean for less than a year – but that still counts. I’ve been clean for about 11 months and 3 days (if you’re reading this on the 24^th of August), and I am at a point in my recovery where I can say I’m proud of it. It didn’t mean that I had an easy 11 months and 3 days. In fact, this has been one of the roughest year I’ve had in a long time.

There are a lot of reasons what makes people start harming themselves. The thing that triggers someone to self-harm will be different. It could be as complex as a reaction to an argument, or a situation that has left someone feeling rejected, humiliated, depressed, or angry. Or it can be as simple as crossing the street or seeing a sharp object.

There are many reasons why many people self-harm. There are no fixed rules. The need for self harm usually comes from emotions that are difficult for the individual to manage. For some people, it can be a way for them to feel that they’re real and all of the things that are happening around them are real. For the others like me, it can be a coping mechanism in times of stressful situations, such as a loss of a loved one, bullying, questioning your own sexuality, or… just your thoughts slowly overwhelming you.

A lot of people asked me why I did it. Did I do it out of guilt? Did I want to be noticed? Did I get some sort of kick out of it? And these questions are precisely why I only told a handful, but then again I could not have avoided these questions. I knew they were coming. It terrified me to think that when it does, no one would understand.

Thankfully, some of them did. Truth be told, I was afraid to think that no one would like me once they found out about my badly kept catharsis.

I remember the first time I had cut. I had found a glass shard stashed in a deck box that housed one of my classmate’s deck of poker cards. At first, I was curious, poking the sharp object, piercing the skin on my hand in the process.

I do not remember the next time I did it. All I remember is that I kept on doing it for years.

People who self-harm over a long period of time may have become addicted to their condition. The act of harming causes the body to produce endorphins, which can produce an adrenaline type rush. The rush lessens as times go on so the acts of self-harm get bigger and more damaging in order to achieve the same result. It’s the same response to drug taking – more is needed to get the same ‘hit’. It’s a dangerous cycle to fall into – one I’ve unfortunately experienced.

But then again some people don’t find harming addictive in a physical sense but may become dependent on it, emotionally. For me, cutting myself in all sorts of shapes and patterns was my form of release. Whenever I do it, I would draw boxes, each was filled with a different pattern. I strived to make each perfect, and that was both an effective distraction and a form of stress reliever for me.

Some people say I’m lucky that I don’t have scars. But sometimes it’s difficult for me to confirm if I’m actually going through this. There’s no physical proof. Is it because I cut too shallow? Is it because I didn’t cut frequently enough? Is it because my skin heals fast? I didn’t know. I couldn’t even justify with myself that I was actually under turmoil. But I knew only I could sort this out.

I do admit that support systems are important for your recovery. Having a friend or a family member know about this will be of much help. It will help you feel less alone. It will help you feel that you can get through this. It will help you to heal. But it won’t when you yourself are not in the game with them. It all boils down to you. You have to want to be better. You have to believe that you can do it. It’s not the easiest thing in the world, frankly for me it’s one of the most difficult things that I’ve done. It took me years, but when I finally realized that I can do it, that I was capable, things got a little bit easier.

If any of you reading this are experiencing the same things listed above, please don’t hesitate to talk to me. I would gladly offer my company. If you have friends who self harms, the best thing to do is to not leave them, to just be there for them. If you have any thoughts beyond self harm, specifically suicide, please call your local country’s suicide hotline. Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are not alone in this.

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