What Do I Have to Lose?

According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss. There is way more to it than that. According to Psychology Today, anorexia nervosa is characterized by a distorted body image and an intense fear of gaining weight. There is still more to it than that. According to me, anorexia nervosa is not a disorder or a state of mind alone. It is both of these combined.

I suffer from anorexia nervosa, but the problem is I never saw it as suffering. I always saw it as a benefit. I was proud of my body image and always being one of the skinniest girls in my class. It became even worse as I entered an all-girls high school. I thought I still wasn’t skinny enough. I stopped eating breakfast and threw out my sandwich every day at lunch. I still could not shake the feeling that I was fat at school events. One day, however, one of my good friends posted a heartfelt message on Tumblr. She revealed that she had struggled with depression and anorexia for many years. She had decided that she wanted to live and that not eating was not the way to accomplish this. I was so inspired by this. It really struck me because I had never thought about anorexia being life-threatening before. I just stopped and thought I want to live too, and what do I have to lose? I had starved myself for so long that there was nothing to lose. I had everything to gain. Despite my new way of thinking, the next morning at breakfast I could only manage two bites of a waffle. I was so frustrated with myself. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t let myself eat. I turned to the Internet and came across NEDA. I had forgotten that anorexia nervosa is a disorder. The definition of disorder is a mental or physical problem that interrupts normal function. Even though a part of me decided I was going to eat, my mind was still interrupting this. I still struggle with this issue today. I can eat more than I used to, but I still can’t eat nearly as much as I should be. It’s just something I have to live with until my mind stops getting in the way.

I always sit and wonder if it is like this for other people with an eating disorder. My friend seems to be doing well, and it bothers me that I still struggle. I wonder if my mind will ever stop getting in the way. How can it though? Am I stuck like this forever? Can you ever get rid of a disorder? Most people say no, but I can only hope. It’s like that old watch you pull out of the junk drawer. It hasn’t had the right time for years, but you can reset it and it will work fine. How do I reset?