10 Things Narcissists Fear Most
Narcissists like to pretend that they’re all-powerful, all-knowing beings that can never be harmed. But regardless of how they act, there are actually quite a few things that strike fear deep into their hearts. Narcissists are known to be extremely vain and care only about themselves. The world itself revolves around them (or so they think). But just what is a narcissist? In psychology, there is something called “narcissistic personality disorder.” The definition of this disorder is “A mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” It’s that last part of the definition that is the most telling. Deep down, these people are very fragile, with extremely low self-esteem. It seems obvious then, that there are many things that really scare them. Here are just ten of those things:
Relationship Commitment
Narcissists are often characterized by a failure or inability to pursue lasting, meaningful relationships. The reasons for this are pretty clear. To be in a relationship, you have to let your guard down, and this is something that narcissists are really afraid of. Being in a relationship means that your partner will get to know you, including all of your faults and embarrassments. For narcissists, letting people see these imperfections in their character can seem unthinkable, and even frightening. There is also a phenomenon known as “sexual narcissism” where people (usually men) create this fake idea in their heads that they’re much better at sex than they actually are. Being in a long-term relationship runs the risk of exposing them for not being as great in bed as they think they are, and this can also cause fear.
Suggested video: Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist
Looking Deep Into Their Own Soul
One of the biggest things about narcissists is that they refuse to examine their own inadequacies and imperfections. Because of this, one of the things that scares them most is something right under their noses – themselves. They like to create this false idea of themselves as superior beings, but some part of them, subconscious or otherwise, knows that this is all a lie. That part of their mind is shielded away from them, but it’s always there. To look into this area of their mind would be to confront everything that is wrong with their personality, and it’s something that narcissists dread more than almost anything else. To be fair, this is something that a lot of people fear, not just narcissists. Really looking at yourself critically can be one of the hardest things to do, and not many people are truly capable of it. But while most people merely find this uncomfortable and unsettling, narcissists find it horrifying and life-shattering.
Insults
Another thing narcissists really fear is being insulted. Narcissists are characterized by a hypersensitivity to insults, and the mere thought of being verbally abused can be a source of great fear for them. Hypersensitivity means that they experience the “sting” of being insulted much more than the average person. While a normal person might be hurt and saddened by an insult, they’ll probably get over it in a matter of days or even hours. Narcissists on the other hand will feel insults as a crushing blow to their already fragile self-esteem, and they’ll brood and sulk over it for weeks on end. They might even never get over it (depending on the insult), or even plot some kind of revenge to get back at the person who insulted them. Another phenomenon that happens with narcissists is that they sometimes imagine insults where there are none. These people are so insecure and paranoid that their minds will actually create insults when someone might just be making innocent comments about them. This level of paranoia shows how much narcissists truly fear being insulted.
Suggested video: Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist
Shame
Another thing that narcissists really fear is shame. They really value their place in society, and they like to think that people hold them in high regard. But it’s an interesting point to make that narcissists fear shame, not guilt. Guilt would imply that they feel bad about hurting someone’s feelings, or doing the wrong thing. It’s widely accepted that true narcissists are incapable of feeling these emotions, because they find it impossible to put themselves in other people’s shoes. Shame is much more daunting to narcissists, because this implies them being singled out by their community or friends and given a lower status. People who are shamed are sometimes shunned or even exiled from a society. Since narcissists value their pride and their standing in society so dearly, tasting the bitter feeling of shame and a wounded ego can be one of the most dreaded experiences for them.
Lack Of Admiration From Others
Narcissists feed heavily on the admiration of others. Without other people, they are nothing. That’s why one of the biggest fears for narcissists is the complete lack of admiration from others. This is not quite as feared as being shamed by others, but it’s very close. Some people don’t mind feeling like they’re invisible. They’re totally okay with walking down the hallways or the street with no one paying them any attention. But for narcissists, even the thought of this happening is like a nightmare to them. It’s that feeling of total irrelevance and unimportance that frightens narcissists so much. Because of this, they will often try very hard to put themselves in important roles (imagined or otherwise) in society, in order to avoid this much-feared fate. Admiration from others is the source of a narcissist’s power in their mind, and without it they are nothing. It’s this lack of power that frightens narcissists so much.
Suggested video: Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist
Getting Called Out On Their Lies
Narcissists are famous for lying or exaggerating certain things to make themselves appear more important or impressive. They also do this to make themselves feel better about their own standing in society. So it’s only logical that one of narcissists’ greatest fears is having those lies and exaggerations exposed. It’s not just that getting called out would bring them shame, or show them as less than what they are – it’s the fact that it reveals to the world how weak and insecure they really are. It brings their whole fake world crashing down around them, and as already stated, narcissists think the world revolves around them. And while they are spinning their lies and exaggerations about their own accomplishments, part of them knows deep down that they’re stretching the truth. And from the minute they start telling these lies, they become incredibly paranoid about the fact that someone might one day uncover them.
Not Being In Important Positions
Another major fear of narcissists is that they aren’t important. One of the key characteristics of narcissists is that they relentlessly pursue positions of power and influence. That’s why so many tyrants and leaders were (and are) narcissists. But you can see these characteristics all the way down to the high school level, where narcissists can be seen coldly pursuing an election campaign for class president. But it’s more than just a popularity contest for narcissists. It’s a power contest. And power is incredibly important for these people. Narcissists are also famous for being incredibly competitive. They want to win and be the best, and being the leader or the boss is their ultimate victory. Another interesting characteristic of narcissists is the fact that they seem to want recognition or admiration without any actual accomplishments or achievements. They seem to think they deserve power because they were destined for it. Interestingly, this is very similar to what ancient kings and pharaohs believed; that they were given the right to rule by god, not by personal accomplishment.
Suggested video: Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist
Feeling Remorse
Another key characteristic of narcissism is the incapacity to feel remorse. It’s not just that they can’t feel remorse, it’s that they actively refuse to show remorse. This fierce rejection of the very notion of feeling bad about hurting others is indicative of a very deep fear. It’s a total denial of remorse. And why do they fear remorse so much? It’s simple. To them, remorse is a characteristic of weakness. Remorse, to them, shows vulnerability and emotional frailty. And to feel remorse is to open yourself up to that weakness. Remorse is also in its basest form the acceptance that you have made a mistake. And for proud and haughty individuals such as narcissists, this can be unthinkable. More than that – it can be a major source of fear. Remorse is also a way of apologizing, and this is also unthinkable for self-aggrandizing people with narcissistic traits.
Feeling Gratitude
Another feeling that these people reject and fear is gratitude. Gratitude, like remorse, is another emotion that is perceived as a sign of weakness by people who are narcissistic. To these people, gratitude is in a sense giving other people power over yourself. It’s the acceptance that you owe something to someone. It also forces you to come to terms with the fact that you might have needed someone else’s help. To narcissistic people, they think of themselves as these all-powerful beings that rise far above others in superiority. The acceptance that someone else did something valuable for them brings them crashing back down to earth. The notion that someone else gave them something they needed not only puts them on the same level as others, it also makes them feel like they’re weaker, or lower down on the social ladder. And this is one of narcissistic people’s greatest fears.
Suggested video: Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist
Death
Death is something that a lot of people don’t want to address or confront, not just narcissistic personalities. But for narcissists, death can be a huge source of fear. Think about it. Narcissists think of themselves as these all-powerful, all-knowing superior beings. And death is the ultimate destroyer of the even the most powerful people. There is no getting around it. You’re going to die. And this puts narcissists on exactly the same playing field as everyone else. We are all equal, because we’re all mortal. This can be a difficult pill for narcissists to swallow. It means that for all their lies and exaggerations, pursuit of important positions, and general haughty behavior, all will be reduced to nothing when their death finally comes. This means that all of this narcissistic behavior was pointless. Death is a major fear for narcissists, and it’s something they often refuse to even accept.
I read this article partly because I wanted to know in a more detailed way what the news are talikng about when they are referring to someone as a narcissist.
I was reminded that this is an actual disorder with serious implications for the person and people close to them. In my social circles “being narcissistic” is oft used synonymously with “being vain” or “being selfish”, when it is so much more than just that.
Even though the above mentioned fears can to a certain extend be obeserved in every person, they seem to inform the actions of a narcissist in a significant way.
This is a great point. We like to view narcissists as evil but often they’re just really fragile people.
ah, no. They are not fragile nor do they deserve your sensitivity or pity. Wake up! That is what they want. They are evil, and the only Truth that can save them is the grace of God. The most compassionate thing you can do is pray for them and stay far, far away. NO CONTRACT.
*haha “No Contact”, I mean.
But yeah, rip up that unspoken contract as well : ) you know the one…..that says you need to be their supply and punching bag for life.
NO CONTACT!
I agree with you all the way
Haaha your awesome
I find it so interesting how self esteem plays such a key role in our lives. While sometimes, people with low self esteem can see themselves as worthless, and it can open them up to being depressed, others can become narcissists, and I’ve always wondered what exactly the tipping point is in deciding how this low self esteem affects someone. If it is based on one’s personality, genetics, home environment, friends, or any number of other factors.
You’re right on the money.
Self esteem is pivotal in determining our emotional and psychological health as adults. And the development of self esteem is rooted in the early emotional environment of children, during the first 5 years or so when their personality is being moulded. To understand this better, read up on childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and attachment theories according to the psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The root of self esteem is dependent on what kind of attachment infants experienced while bonding with their parents/caregivers.
I’m not sure as to what factors determine which side of the narcissism-depression scale a person will tip towards, but I do know that narcissism is the result of a child/person compensating for the attention/validation that they didn’t receive (enough of) as a child.
No baby is born with low self esteem. A baby is born perfect. My self esteem was eroded by my 18 month older brother as we were growing up. He had to be the centre of attention. Now I know he was always a Narcissist. He targeted me. Bullied me, undermined me, beat me. So it all happened to me in the family inviroment growing up. I worked out the depressions I got roughly every 3 years were the result of this. I always felt sad at the core of me. I went on a journey into me and got to the bottom of it all. No more depressions. After that, I started to love myself. NOBODY can destroy you if you have self esteem. I am a pretty OK person!
I really enjoyed this article. Not only because of the insight on narcissism, which is something that is generally simply looked down upon rather than explored to the fullest, but because it really made me think, and wonder, if I know any narcissists. I’m curious about where/how you got this information. Did you poll people? Analyze the personalities of known historical narcissists? Also, another topic you may want to explore is sociopathy, since it and narcissism are closely tied together.
Hi,
I didn’t poll anyone, but I researched the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and found that a lot of the symptoms were due to insecurities and fears, such as the need to feel important, inflated reactions to being insulted, inability to feel gratitude, etc. So I guess some of these points were deduced rather than getting them from a first hand source.
Hi. It is my understanding that any source we read as a writer, even if we do not use direct ideas, need to be cited or its considered plagiarism. Online writing is notorious for not giving credit.
Most good writing is “deduced”, but that doesn’t mean we don’t give credit to the original material we deduced from.
Fyi, for a help. Not a criticism. Its important if you want to be taken as a seriously as a writer, I think.?
This is my first time to read an article that gave so much meaningful insights about narcissism. It not only talks about narcissism as it is, but also sheds some light on what causes it — which is mostly fear. Fear is such an interesting topic as it is an interesting feeling. It is a normal response of the body to certain situations yet a lot of differently mixed emotions can stem from it. This article helped me learn more about fear itself and the behaviors (in this case, a disorder) that it can entail.
No – narcissism is not caused by fear, but by early childhood abuse, specifically, severe emotional neglect. To understand this better, read up on childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and draw the parallels between that and the points described in this article. I’m an adult survivor of CEN and have done extensive research on the topic. I also had higher-than-normal narcissistic tendencies as a child so I’m confident in my opinion.
Almost everybody felt emotional/psychological fear at one point or another as a child, but narcissism in particular is a lifelong maladaptation to CEN in some people who weren’t able to escape their poor emotional environment as children.
Fear (and anxiety) is just one of the major characteristics of narcissism, not the cause of it.
[…] Suggested Reading: 10 Things a Narcissist Fears […]
This is a great article and when I read it I thought it was written about my ex. Is there any way I can email this instead of sharing it?
You could just email the URL? Glad you liked it!
This would explain why my mother, when diagnosed with breast cancer, and was successfully treated, was the rare exception to the norm in terms of appreciating life and the people in it. Instead, she became increasingly narcissistic, and devalued those closest to her. To the point that I actually said this to her, and questioned the validity of any diagnosis at all. She came after me and my kids so hard that we moved across the country, severing ties completely, over 5 years ago. I may never understand this, as it was just one more example of the many ways she has rejected me in my life. However, the final straw, for me, was involving my children in her games. Zero compassion. Beyond like if we were total strangers…like we were pawns…like we were enemies. In fact, I often marvel over how, if we were strangers on the street, she would place more value on us and how we felt about her. I’m not bitter, as she forced me to see her for who she is. Finally, I had to accept that it was her. Not me. In essence, this realization became the catalyst for my independence from her toxic hold on me. A blessing, a gift of clarity that I would otherwise not have had, had she not behaved this way. All my life, she and her mom and sister, would gaslight me and make me question my sanity (they can’t ALL be crazy…right? It MUST be me…). Cutting them off was the best decision I have ever made, as I have complete control over my life now. I’m almost 40, and saving myself and my kids from my own mother is still the most heroic thing i have ever done. Thank you for this rare insight into the mind of a monster. Validation is a thing not often gifted to those who carry the weight of such burdens.
I have said some things I probably shouldn’t have to a narrcasist and I love him and he thinks I don’t respect him or see him as strong and he is awesome in bed and I don’t know what he thinks really or what he has done or what exactly I should do ..about him I know I love him and put him at top priority above all and he is not perfect and neither am I …and i only want him to know I am sorry and I love him and I assumed allot when I should have not and I hurt his feelings and he hurt mine and now what ? I am at a loss because I don’t move on nor give up and in total love with my Eric
That is exactly where he wants u at, and played exactly to what he wanted u to.. he wants that importance in your life, and he will do anything for u to keep him there… Even if it brings u down..
I have several thoughts on this article, some positive and some negative. I will start with the negative.
I was not a fan of the images used for this article. I can’t quite grasp why “dark art” and “psychedelic skulls” etc. are being used for an article about a serious mental disorder. It is not a curse or a scary bedtime story, it is something that real people deal with everyday in the real world, and using images like this makes them seem like monsters. There is already enough negative stigma surrounding mental illness, so this is unnecessary to add on to it. Another thing is that this article needed some more editing. It was difficult to read in a couple spots where there were multiple typing errors or grammatical mistakes. It if possible that I noticed them more that most others would, considering I am also studying to be an English major and grammar is therefore heavily influenced, but it was still frustrating to see so many errors.
Now, in terms of positive reactions, I genuinely thought the contents of this article were good. It is obvious that they are simplified for a more widespread audience, but I suppose that serves a purpose all on its own. I can’t say that I have encountered someone who has characteristics of a narcissist, but I feel I have a better understanding of the mind of someone who was suffering with narcissistic personality disorder. There is a fine line between being narcissistic and having narcissistic personality disorder, and I believe understanding these fears helps people draw this distinction. I have been studying psychology on my own and in an academic setting for a couple of years, and yet this is the most beneficial article that I have read about the disorder.
Overall, it was a good article. It needed more editing, should not have used demonizing images, and could have done without some of the oversimplification, but the information was good and helped me understand the psyche of someone with narcissistic personality disorder better. So for that, I commend you.
Thanks!
I totally understand why the dark art is used. I full blown narcissists is a dark soul. These people make a choice to be the way they are. This is not a mental illness that can be controlled with medication or therapy. They know what they are doing is wrong. Theses people are mean and vindictivive. They feel entitled to do whatever to whomever with no regard. As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I couldn’t agree more with the dark images portrayed along with this article. More awareness needs to be brought to light about narcissism and it’s long lasting effects on children and spouses of narcissists.
I agree with Lora, somewhat.
Narcissism is BOTH a mental disorder and a CHARACTER disorder.
Concerning the aspect that it is a mental disorder, one needs to understand how the factors that created narcissistic traits in a person (child) during the early years when the personality was being moulded (almost always childhood neglect) rewire the nervous system so as to keep the narcissist in a constant fight or flight mode, as another commentator mentioned.
Concerning the aspect that it is a character disorder, I agree with Lora that a major reason for the harm that narcissists cause in day to day life is choice. Ask anyone who’s been in close contact with a narcissist for more than 2 years and they’ll confirm that. In my case, when I confronted the narcissistic friend that used to be in my life, she ended our long, drawn-out argument with “I like the way I am and I don’t want to change!”
Talk about not being able to help these folks!
They are truly vampires
They are true vampires creating hell in others life. My mom in law is such a vampire. Bitch!!
Great article, it was nice to get a little glimpse into the mind of a narcissist. It seems like I’ve ran into a few narcissist in my day, or maybe I’ve just had to deal with some extremely selfish people. People who are true narcissist seem to have a extreme fear of being seen as weak (obviously), my point being that fear drives us to act out in all kinds of crazy ways. I think narcissist are always in fight or flight mode, they need to be met with a little extra compassion and understanding. With the people I’ve met that had a lot of narcissistic qualities, I felt like they were all trying their hardest to be the best person they could, but they still had that constant fear of being seen as a lesser human being.
This is a great article. I avoid narcissists at all costs when I see them now, I just think they need a check and they don’t deserve attention. Also, I think it shows that many people may not also be full blown narcissists but have some qualities in themselves that need to be worked on. I personally used to suffer from a bit of narcissism and as a result was pretty much cast out of my social group to re-evaluate myself. But I also feel this was my choice too and due to being over empathetic and just a lack in similar interests. I am really grateful now for the opportunity to have re-evaluated myself, it was like a check from God just telling me I needed to humble myself and really let go of certain aspects of my life, people included. And I’m forever learning and growing.
I think it’s important for us to note that we are not perfect and there’s always someway we can improve our character.
This is an amazing piece of discovery! Narcissism has been a topic on my mind for years and it only ever interested me once I realized that my friend was and still is a narcissist. Its as if this article opened my eyes to the truth as to why my friend behaved the way she did. The “lack of admiration” seems very clear and very accurate due to the fact that my friend could not last one day without texting me, it was sort of annoying but reading this article allows me to understand that its because narcissistic people need that attention. On the “need for attention” part, although this is true, could the real source of this ‘need’ be due to the fact that they aren’t getting enough attention from their family or close ones?
Overall I fully appreciate this article for the content it provides and for the answers that I now hold. I think the “…all-powerful beings that rise far above others in superiority. The acceptance that someone else did something valuable for them brings them crashing back down to earth” is well said and I look forward to detecting the next narcissist I meet.
This is an amazing piece of discovery! Narcissism has been a topic on my mind for years and it only ever interested me once I realized that my friend was and still is a narcissist. Its as if this article opened my eyes to the truth as to why my friend behaved the way she did. The “lack of admiration” seems very clear and very accurate due to the fact that my friend could not last one day without texting me, it was sort of annoying but reading this article allows me to understand that its because narcissistic people need that attention. On the “need for attention” part, although this is true, could the real source of this ‘need’ be due to the fact that they aren’t getting enough attention from their family or close ones?
Overall I fully appreciate this article for the content it provides and for the answers that I now hold. I think the “…all-powerful beings that rise far above others in superiority. The acceptance that someone else did something valuable for them brings them crashing back down to earth” is well said and I look forward to detecting the next narcissist I meet.
“On the “need for attention” part, although this is true, could the real source of this ‘need’ be due to the fact that they aren’t getting enough attention from their family or close ones?”
You’re correct. Narcissism is a life-long (mal)-adaptation to continuous childhood trauma, where the child’s care-givers severely emotionally neglected the child’s emotional/psychological needs, therefore the child (now adult) continues their search for attention/approval/validation from external sources.
The force of this article is rooted in its effective written manner and informative content. In fact, the point-by-point sub aspects are written as to get to the main point all while delighting the reader with pertinent illustrations. Additionally, this article is interesting both for narcissists and non-narcissists alike. In the case of the former, they will without a doubt recognize themselves in some of these signs and perhaps adjust their behavior to a situation. As mentioned previously, it is interesting for non-narcissists given that they will take in new information about this character type, information that is probably crucial in social relations.
This articles contains a lot of good points and from my experiences from my narcissistic sister, mostly explains about it. From the insults my sister doesn’t take them lightly (and you can understand why too). As a sibling I always called out about her lies (about food,who did what, about what she did vs what she actually did) she said that I lied but I didn’t. Although, I didn’t have the evidence back then. Overall, this article gave me more insights and info about narcissism.
This article is really interesting. I’ve heard of narcisstic personality disorder, and studied it briefly, but I didn’t realize just how close related it seems to be to antisocial personality disorder/psychopathy. It makes me wonder about the incidence of the two together. I also couldn’t help but think of Ted Bundy in this, since he’s given as a well known case of narcissism, and I can definitely see how these things apply to him.
Narcissism and anti-social personality disorder are grouped together in the DSM (V). Check out the cluster B group of personality disorders.
While psychopathy isn’t in that group, it has a number of traits that overlap with narcissism.
A neat article and definitely a gripping one, too.
But what I don’t understand is treating narcissism like it’s a terrible disease.
Sure, narcissists are very difficult people, but alas, they are still human.
Sympathizing would’ve been something interesting to read, or some other point of view.
Nicely done.
I hope you never find yourself the victim of narcissistic abuse, you would have quite a different take on that. You can’t sympathize with a soul-less person. They have the ability to make changes, they choose to actively not make the changes, it’s not like schizophrenia or bipolar illness.
Lora,
I agree.
Kaya, if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of a narcissist’s terrible treatment, God forbid, I guarantee that you’ll feel very differently. Its one thing to understand narcissism intellectually and a completely different thing to have a narcissist in your life.
Honestly, Kaya – if you’ve never experienced narcissistic abuse, it’s hard for you to truly understand what they’re like. They are human – technically, but they are what I consider very close to evil robots. They feel no compassion. They feel no remorse. They actively choose to hurt and exploit people. It is very hard to feel compassion for someone like that, or in some cases, to even regard them as human.
Hi,
Really good article; however i feel death seems to be a bit questionable in relation to narcissism. I guess i have the idea that a narcissist wouldn’t fear death because he/she believes they are meant to be alive in the grand scheme of things. Also, at what point do you differentiate being self centered and being truly narcissistic; or are they synonymous? Anyhow, very interesting read; definitely puts things in perspective for someone who is a bit selfish with himself at times.
Thanks!
Hi,
Narcissism exists on a continuum, meaning that the narcissism trait is a long band from a low degree to a high one. Everyone can be found at some point of this continuum and emotionally healthy people are located somewhere in the middle (high self esteem, self love, etc). My take is that self centered people are located a little further from the centre of the continuum towards the high-narcissism end of the spectrum, and these people are characterized as being annoyingly full of themselves, while ‘true’ narcissists (as per clinical diagnosis and not just the layman pop psychology use of the term) are located towards the higher end of the spectrum. Clinical narcissism is also life-disruptive or maladaptive (causes major social problems in the narcissist’s life) while self centred people are able to more or less fit in in society.
So much of this only confirms more of what I found out about an ex-friend of mine. His mannerisms, his way of thinking; it just hits every point. Not sure too much on the death part, but everything else is spot on especially the point about being influential or in a position of power. At the time when we were friends he constantly went to me since I was the “leader” of my small group of friends and would want to override any decision making . If he was ever called out on it he would throw the blame elsewhere and make someone else at fault.
There are some points of the article that I would question. Despite being afraid of these things wouldn’t they try to play it off somehow? Such as going through the act of feeling remorse, shame, and gratitude? Though I guess there are those capable of doing so and others who don’t do so well.
Another thing is the images don’t fully match with the points given. When I looked at them it didn’t give me a sense of the upcoming point. Other than that great article!
As a narcissist myself this is all actually more or less true
Very interesting analysis. Having managed to have two relationships with men I would definitely say were narcissists, one dangerous and violent. Both had experienced serious abuse from their fathers with no protection from their mothers who both stepped back and let the abuse continue.Both completely took over my life and controlled every aspect. One withdrew emotionally from me and expected me to run everything, work at a better paid job and look after our two children. He had several affairs during our time until I finally realised what was going on. The reason being that. I totally believed his integrity. I was so stupid that when I finally worked it out and confronted him he wouldn’t talk about his affairs but asked to continue just as we were. I did ask what was the benefit to me? He would still be with me……. Lying, cheating and spending his money on someone else instead of us his family. He did leave, buying another house with the money he had saved as he never could tell me how much he earned or how much the mortgage was. He saved over £10,000 whilst we were together.
The second partner threatened me, to kill my cat, the children’s pets whilst they were at school, waking them up by hammering on their bedroom doors when irrational through alcohol. I got away but three years later he phoned me up at my house saying we had to talk about money. We met again, he was charming and funny and wanted to be friends. This led to the gradual descent once he had persuaded me to move into his larger house. Both my children were at university and despaired of me.
I did get away, he still says that the huge amount of money I made from selling my house made me leave. I bought a flat 50 miles away. Such illogical thinking? He will not accept that his behaviour had anything to do with my unhappiness, he did everything for me. So why wasn’t I happy? Intimidation, isolation, used, threatened? Why, I knew he didn’t mean it.
I am wiser now, my children are both happy and successful, as I am. He found out where I live and still phones. I have a number reveal and he sometimes uses his relatives phone as his number is blocked. I refuse to talk to him but he continues saying he still loves me. I have told him to go away yet he still tries to get contact. It is his fix, his effect on my life. I am much stronger now but it is like a curse. If you find you are involved with a narcissist get out fast, don’t waste time like. I did.
I’m a widow. When I decided to jump back into dating, I found myself with a narcissus. It wasn’t apparent when we 1st started dating. He came off very attentive to my wishes, wants and needs. But I found myself saying to my close friends, it’s as if he was reading it from a book. It had a feeling of phoniness to it. He was always quick to turn on the cunning charm in public, where others would be quick to commit how nice he was. When behind the scenes I was picking up, just how fast he could turn it on and off. A year and a half into the dating, his daughter became deathly ill. A call came in from his grandchildren, that Mommy was in the hospital and might not make it through the night. She had developed complecations from surgery, and possibly murca. My reaction was to run and pack a bag for him, as it was a 6 hour drive. His reaction was to go on line and research murca. After finding out that murca is highly contagious, he refused to go. I explained that he didn’t even need to go to the hospital, but go to help and support his grandkids. He completely froze and only talked about himslef. That pretty much ended it for me right then and there. But more importantly, I looked back on my life and found I had dated a guy in high school who was identical to this guy.They look picture purfect. And on paper we would appear to be a purfect match. But when I looked further back in my life I realized I was picking guys with my Mother’s personality. It’s helped me a lot to figure out confusing areas in my life, where she was/is always quick to throw the guilt and blame. When I get confused with a narcissus I think of the TV show, “Two And A Half Men”, and the roll of the boys mother…
I read these reasons you give to solidify everything I already knew about them.–Thank you
Your article is so accurate pertaining to the experience I had with my husband of many years.
The insensitivity ,violence when you confront the lies and betrayal . The constant mixed messages . I urge anyone dealing with this disorder in any relationship to protect yourself and be informed.
After you are around someone with NPD for awhile, you will see all of this. Initially, he/she can be quite charming because you have something they want – connections, status, beauty,,,,, They really are quite manipulative and focused only on their own needs – but don’t think that they are just “blank” automatons, they are anything but – they have studied people to know how to get what they want and to know how they should act to “pass” as normal. My ex was one – our marriage counselor (who is quite experienced and respected) read him like a short book. His arrogance, inability to accept any responsibility for a miserable marriage, and his constant need to blame me and disparage me were textbook. All I can say, is as soon as you get a strange feeling that something is “off” just RUN!!!!!!
Narcissists are totally manipulative. They know what they want and they act accordingly. When they need to be charming, they will. But their victims, those that try to love them, those that work for them, etc will suffer (they will be berated, lied to, stolen from…. you name it a narcissists will do it) because those that the narcissist has power over can never do enough for the narcissist. And if the narcissist doesn’t feel that he is given the proper respect, attention, privilege, etc. (and he will never be satisfied) the narcissist will strikes back.
Narcissism is not a choice. They cannot just stop being a narcissist. It is basically who they. are. It is their PERSONALITY. And personality drives behavior. And mental health professionals find them very frustrating because they try to con the therapist by lying, manipulating, etc. Many mental health professionals think they cannot be helped – and that all they do, is teach the narcissist skills that will allow him to better function – i.e. use and abuse others.
Don’t try to give the narcissist compassion, the benefit of the doubt, etc. If you can, just get away – if you have anything the narcissist wants you will be manipulated and discarded when you are no longer of use. And compassion might be what a narcissist wants at some point in his soul-sucking life. Just get away from a narcissist without a confrontation – they are highly vindictive.
And the last point, I’d like to make is that there is not a clear consensus on how narcissism develops – yes, a failure to attach to early caregivers is part of the disorder but there might also be a genetic component.
Totally and completely agree. My personal experience
I am torn between “don’t try to give them compassion” (what you’re saying) and “they’re human and should be handled more delicately than most” (paragrasing another commenter).
I suppose some of that depends on how far on the spectrum the individual is. If they’re not malignant, for example, they’re easier to handle. But also, I think maintaining strong boundaries is possible while giving compassion… it’s like doing it with a sort of detachment. The rest also depends on how close you are to them. I’ve found that a partner or parent can really wreak havoc, but an acquaintance or coworker… not THAT much. But even the “closer” ones begin to weaken when you see through them. They become predictable and boring and none of their tactics work any longer.
As an example, there are two actual narcissists in my life (not just people with narcissistic traits, but disordered ones): one parent and one coworker. The parent did shatter my self esteem for quite a long time and he’s a terrible person overall, but now that I have a backbone, he barely attempts much of anything. I don’t love him and never have, but we can joke and talk somewhat normally nowadays. He’s not malignant. I’ve revealed to him that I know his game and intentions, a couple of times, he has kinda laughed about it in indirect admittance. And now steers clear, minus the occasional slip up that is part of his wiring. I call him out frequently. He stops and at times regulates.
The coworker is also pretty harmless now that I’ve got him pegged. He fears me because he knows I know something and is extra careful around me. He’s extremely paranoid I will reveal everything to everyone at work. He has left me alone for the most part. Practically all that he does is for survival, he’s like on autopilot with his actions and facade because he can’t bear being exposed. I pity him in a way. I told him he doesn’t have to be perfect. He has loosened up a bit although it’s also weirdly part of his act.
All in all, these people are a joke once you see through them and make it clear that you know something without making it sound like you’re out to get them.
However, the damage they DO cause is real. The abuse is real. The lies are real. The pain is real. I will never forgive my father, nor will I forget what he has done to our family. But he is no longer important. He doesn’t matter. He’s not really someone who can alter my reality at this point. I also pity him in a “he’s pathetic” sort of way, note the good he HAS done (no matter the intentions) and leave the rest to rot in the past.
So there you have it. Yes, run from these people. But from my experience, while you are around them and you can’t get away fast enough, the more you fear them the worse they get. The less you fear them, the more power you have. And I mean truly: they start to fear you.
EXCELLENT article!!! One of the best I have read on NPD!!
I met this girl online . Narc. Through and through . Lied…about EVERYTHING from her name to what her job was, to not being married , even about her kids. From the start I knew something was off . And when I confronted her about her lies, she spun more . Lied more. Obsessed about her body. Way too much makeup. Her moods swayed btwn confident to severe depression. She claimed she was a nurse. Made a 6 figure salary and took care of her “troubled family” . In the end…she was a bored housewife, husband cheated on her, not educated at all (Keep in mind her lies were dependent on the fact that she was much more important than she really was) . She said her kids weren’t hers and EVEN made herself younger by 5 years. When confronted by all of this…she spun the tables on me. Projected all of the insecurities her husband left her on me. These narcs are incapable of true character and accountability is all but a lost word to them. Her sister ended up tellin me everything one evening …and she still denied it to the end. My advice…if you r dealing with a narc…be rough back. She tried to strip me of everything. The worse they feel about themselves, the worse that the object of their torture will suffer.
Thanks for the Narcy support very helpful indeed, We have a guy and partner who are both landlords next door both are a pair of twats, they have for some years given us many a headache until I confronted the asshole next door, since they have left us alone but I doubt if it will last, many months back I had feelings to dispose of the assole sadly I did not but my feelings are still there for disposal, I did one thing after many ‘poison pen’ letters from the two Narcs, early this month he was taking away my disability ramp (for my scooter) I confronted him “what are you doing” ? he did reluctantly answer I replied…”why are you such a sick fucking arsehole” ..he did not answer but since he has not harassed ..persecuted or intimidated myself, I still feel he should be disposed of. After reading the info you so wonderfully made I feel stronger and more able to feel in myself a war is not so far away, I know I will NOT lose the war. Thanks again.
I am dating a narcissist. well I ended it but he still keeps coming around and bringing me gifts. He is truely evil. He recently erased everything from my PC, my iMac and my external hard drive saying they had a viruse. My whole life has been erased. Im trying some recovery software but going through 150 thousand files is so time consuming . I am not scared of him . I am scared of me though and what I might do if he keeps manipulating me so he can destroy me. He is so smart yet He is the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. What a liar! His name is Skylar Deranick be careful if you meet him. They should all be put on a map like sexual pretitors. It should be a crime. They should be exposed. Being a sociopath should be eqivilant to child malestation. They should be prosecuted and sent to prisons and jails. Them being on the loose is like letting wild animals out on the streets. All they do is harm people. Why shouldn’t that be a crime. I’m scared I might go to prison if he keeps hurting me and destroying my belongings. It’s not as easy as not letting him in. He finds a way. He brings out the bad side in me. He knows how to piss me off and does it especially when people come around so I can look like a violent lunatic. Make a list with all their names and let the people of the world know who they are. I will start it.
1. Skylar Victor Deranick sociopath/Narcissist
Thanks, I know one as well #2 Heather Phillpott age 50 lives in Etobicoke Canada. Let’s keep this going!
I did not date one – but my brother is one. It did not occur to me until years later that I was his target. I knew we didn’t get on- but put it down to sibling/’personality clash. I was his sister- past tence. I had self esteem issues and low confidence for years, and did not link it to him until I emigrated, and looked into it further. I could never work out why he hated me so much- when I – for all his faults loved him as a brother. I was convinced there was something wrong with me, and didn’t like myself much- just as he wanted. I stumbled on Narcissists and their personalities. What a revelation! Overnight a big weight came off my shoulders! Everything fits like a puzzle. I found out so much, and immediately foregave myself for not loving me. It all made sense, and I got my self esteem and Confidence back, and stopped having Depressions. This could not happen to me again, as I discovered the most valuable thing you have is your self esteem!
Narcissist are Very Insidious….the Covert Narcissist are the Worst,very Evil they can Hide their Narcissism very well, with Niceness/Passive Aggressiveness…
Thanks for this meaningful insight about narcissism. Now if they hurt me I know what buttons I will push to hurt them back.
A narc had a go at my wife. Not so good for him. Narcs fear being shamed. Now I have loads of pictures he sent complete with his face and phone number. Problem for him is his member is very small. I also have tons of his texts where he talks about how he loves to masterbate. I had detailed conversations with him about his micro penis/baby balls and his habitual masterbation problem. He lives in fear of me now. He portrays himself as such a professional person. However, if he ever messes with my family it would be a shame if his pictures and his masterbation fantasies should end up at his job. Not that I would. But he don’t know that. Shame is what narcs fear.
Really I feel that there is no need for my EXPERTISE right now as far as an opinion goes! Hah! How’s that for a NARCISSIST Remark! Lol! All kidding aside I’m sure I will probably comment in the near future. A tually the information here so far is very good and Educational. Until next time…
This precisely sums up the biggest one we all know — the in the white house currently. I hope voters get out and vote intelligently on Nov 6. Our beloved USA cannot afford him tearing down our country and only sucking up to wealthy carnivores around the world.
I wish he would stop removing all that Pres. Obama accomplished.
Thanks, I know one as well #2 Heather Phillpott age 50 lives in Etobicoke Canada. Let’s keep this going!
Hi,
Just realized what a Narcissistic personality disorder is. I’ve been dating this man I thought was the man of my dreams in the Beginning for 1yr and 7mths now. Some of the things that I have endured from him with that time caused me to get closer in my relationship with God. Unfortunately since I’ve been educating myself on this I realize that 2 marriages and all my relationships the men were Narcissistic not even knowing. I questioned myself through the years wondering if it was just me, what am I doing wrong, when all the time they All were Narcissistic. Wow!!! Same traits….Its amazing when you educate your mind. If it wasn’t for God thou before this information, I would have been mad Crazy myself. My first marriage left me with 15 years of depression once I made it out. I’m 40. Never knew the word Narcissistic personality disorder, or even a sickness. Please continue to keep articles circulating like these, I never would have knows that this is what I have been enduring from others. I thought I was just being Wayyy to Nice and people used it against me purposefully. Reading the articles has helped tremendously. Thank You and forever Grateful!!!
Wow, I’m in the presence of a person with NPD! Now, by reading this highly enlightening article, I can breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve been searching for a reason to this negative behavior for so long. Thanks for the lightbulb moment.👋
After reading all this, I’m now 200 % sure I married one! And this will be 25 years!. Can you imagine this?
My experience is that if you are in a partnership with a grandiose narcissist you should do your best to keep a paper trail of records and leave the relationship before you do too much damage to yourself. The advise and recommendations given in this article are genuine and accurate. To some given extent we all have some narcissism, you need it to be successful in what ever goals you set for yourself. When presented with an individual with significant narcissism, no humility is present and little to no hope is present for them to relinquish this facade. You are dealing with an individual with a mental disorder and nothing more can be said.