5 Signs You’re Dealing With Toxic Shame

Shame is an emotion that everyone experiences at some point in their lives. It is a natural response to behavior that conflicts with our internal values or societal norms. However, when shame becomes toxic, it can have a profound impact on our emotional well-being and overall quality of life.

According to therapist Amber Smith, toxic shame is a deep-seated sense of unworthiness and self-hatred that permeates our thoughts, actions, and relationships. It erodes our sense of self and well-being by keeping us from seeing our true self-worth and disconnecting us from ourselves.

With that said, let’s explore some common signs that indicate you may be dealing with toxic shame, according to experts:

1. Chronic Self-Criticism

One of the primary indicators of toxic shame is having an incessant inner voice that berates and belittles you and every little thing you do. You may find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, constantly criticizing your abilities, appearance, or worthiness. This self-deprecating dialogue reinforces feelings of unworthiness and fuels a cycle of shame, says self-help writer and counselor Arlin Cuncic. Thus, she recommends that we break this habit by challenging our negative self-beliefs and affirming to ourselves that just because we think it in a passing moment doesn’t make it true.

2. Excessive Guilt

Another tell-tale sign that you’re dealing with toxic shame, says psychologist Dr. Bernard Golden, is that you often feel excessive and chronic guilt even when you’ve done nothing wrong. While healthy guilt is a manifestation of shame that is meant to correct negative behavior, this kind of guilt is toxic because it’s all-consuming, leaving you stuck in a state of self-punishment and preventing self-forgiveness. Thus, you may carry a constant sense of wrongdoing or the belief that you are inherently bad. The antidote to this, says Dr. Golden, is to cultivate a dialogue of self-acceptance and forgiveness within ourselves.

3. Toxic Perfectionism

Toxic perfectionism refers to an unhealthy drive to do everything perfectly and hold oneself to unrealistically high expectations. Psychotherapist Dr. Jacqueline Burnett-Brown calls this a “shame-based behavior” because it stems from the belief that one must be flawless in order to be accepted or loved, which becomes a relentless pursuit bound to result in failure. Perfectionism can be paralyzing and lead to feelings of inadequacy, reinforcing the shame cycle. In order to break this cycle, Dr. Burnett-Brown advises us to become more comfortable with making mistakes and setting more realistic, manageable, and attainable goals for yourself that will boost our self-esteem instead of harming it further.

4. Emotional Closed-Offness

Toxic shame often leads to a fear of being vulnerable and showing your authentic self to others, says clinical psychologist Dr. Alex Klein. You may find it challenging to open up emotionally because of a strong and pervasive fear of judgment, rejection, or abandonment. But this fear can prevent you from forming deep, meaningful connections and leave you feeling isolated and disconnected from those around you. But seeking support and talking about your shame can help to lessen its power, explains Dr. Klein, and may even provide you with valuable insight on how to heal from it.

5. Difficulty Accepting Praise and Compliments

Similar to our earlier point about perfectionism, those struggling with toxic shame often have difficulty accepting compliments or praise from others. According to psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, receiving praise from others can cause discomfort when it conflicts with our existing belief system about ourselves. So instead of internalizing positive feedback, you may be quick to dismiss it because you feel unworthy of such recognition. But this rejection of positive reinforcement reinforces the negative self-perception and perpetuates the toxic shame cycle. That’s why it’s important that we learn to accept positive feedback with an open mind and use it as evidence of our worth next time we start to feel a bout of toxic shame overcome us.

Toxic shame can be a pervasive and damaging force that impacts many aspects of our lives. However, it is possible to heal and overcome its grip. Dealing with toxic shame can be an arduous journey, but it is essential for your well-being and personal growth.

By recognizing the signs of toxic shame and taking proactive steps towards self-compassion, support, and self-acceptance, you can break free from its chains. Remember, your worth is not determined by your past or the shame you carry, but by your inherent value as a human being deserving of love and respect.

So, what are your thoughts on this video? Do any of the things we’ve talked about here emotionally resonate with you? In what way? Feel free to let us know in the comments down below! ‘Til next time, Psych2Goers, and take care of your mental health!

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