6 Signs of An Unhealthy Father-Daughter Relationship

Although it’s become something of a joke how much psychologists bank on our early childhood experiences shaping who we grow up to be, ask anyone about theirs and you will soon realize that this certainly holds a lot of truth. After all, you can probably think of a few formative childhood experiences of your own, right?

Arguably most important of all, however, is our relationship with our parents. And how they treat us as we grow up stays with us for a long time because it tells us a lot about how they see us and, in turn, how we should feel about ourselves. That’s why having a toxic relationship with your parents can have such a detrimental, long-lasting impact on our lives. Take father-daughter relationships, for example. How a father treats and relates to his daughter greatly affects how she will grow up to view men in general, how she will expect them to treat her, and what she looks for in romantic partner.

With that said, if you feel that your father-daughter relationship leaves a lot to be desired, here are 6 tell-tale signs that it’s actually a toxic one:

1. He’s an absentee father.

Whether it’s because of a divorce from your mother, having his own other family, or pursuing a demanding career abroad, your father has never really been present in your life, especially not when you needed him the most. He wasn’t there for you on so many milestones and special occasions, no matter how many times he promised he would be, and it’s left a significant hole in your heart that he’s tried to fill with a dozen different excuses  (Rosenthal, 2010). He was never the father you needed him to be, and it never really seemed like he ever made much of an effort to be, either.

2. He’s emotionally unavailable.

Similar to the last point, even though your father might actually still be present in your life (either living with you or co-parenting you), he might as well not be, given how emotionally closed off and distant he is all the time. He doesn’t offer you any comfort when you’re upset, or share in your joy whenever you accomplish something. He doesn’t seem very interested in you or your life, because to him, all that being a father means is providing for your family financially and nothing more.

3. He’s overly controlling. 

Here we have the opposite of the absentee and emotionally distant father, but who’s every bit just as toxic: the overly controlling father. Fathers who are like this toward their daughters tend to be strict, authoritative, and demanding. And although some of them might really have their child’s best interest at heart, they have trouble giving up control and allowing their daughters the freedom they need to make their own mistakes, explore the world for themselves, and discover who they are on their own terms — all of which contribute greatly to a person’s sense of self-esteem, self-worth, mental health, and satisfaction with life (Shonkoff, et al., 2012). 

4. There are unclear boundaries.

As with any other relationship, clear personal boundaries need to be established in order for both parties to feel safe, valued, and respected. However, when it comes to our parents, many of them unfortunately have the wrong idea that just because they’re the ones who raised you and brought you into this world, it somehow gives them the right to treat you however they want. And with toxic father-daughter relationships, this might look like: invading your privacy, disregarding your feelings, and making your decisions for you without even asking you for your input or giving you a good reason why (other than “Because I said so and you will do as you’re told!”).

5. There’s a lack of open communication.

Although a lot of parents are afraid of the rebelliousness that adolescence often brings with it, children arguing with their parents can actually be a good thing sometimes, because it shows that they feel comfortable enough to share their true feelings with you. So if there’s a lack of open communication, then that’s a definite red flag, because it breeds a lot of deception, secrecy, resentment, and passive-aggressiveness between a father and his daughter (Friedman, 2009). 

6. There are unrealistic expectations/constant comparisons.

Last but certainly not the least, if your father sets unrealistic expectations for you or constantly compares you to other daughters, then the relationship is most likely not a very healthy one (Gabarino, 1995). They think of parenting as some sort of competition and they’re out to win, so they demand perfection from you at all times. Fathers like this don’t care much about how much effort you put into something or how it makes you feel because to them, all that matters is how your achievements (and failures) reflect on them. And they will never be happy with you until you’re the most successful and most accomplished person they know — unrealistic demands they somehow expect you to meet in order to win the love they should have freely given in the first place.

So, do you relate to any of the things we’ve talked about here? Did reading this article make you realize you might have a toxic relationship with your father? If you are seriously struggling, reach out to a mental healthcare professional today and seek help. 

References:

• Rosenthal, S. S. (2010). The unavailable father: Seven ways women can understand, heal, and cope with a broken father-daughter relationship. John Wiley & Sons.
• Friedman, R. (2009). When parents are too toxic to tolerate. New York Times.
• Shonkoff, J. P., Garner, A. S., Siegel, B. S., Dobbins, M. I., Earls, M. F., McGuinn, L., & Committee on Early Childhood, Adoption, and Dependent Care. (2012). The lifelong effects of early childhood adversity and toxic stress. Pediatrics, 129(1), e232-e246.
• Garbarino, J. (1995). Raising children in a socially toxic environment. Jossey-Bass Inc., Publishers, 350 Sansome Street, Fifth Floor, San Francisco, CA 94104-1342.