6 Signs Your Crush is Emotionally Unavailable

Butterflies in your stomach, wide-eyed grins when they pass by. Having a crush can be a great feeling. Sometimes though, our crushes can be emotionally unavailable. This trait basically means that someone is unable to connect with the emotions of others, and potentially themselves. In a relationship, this can lead to a lack of emotional fulfillment and compatibility. Here are 6 signs your crush is emotionally unavailable.

1. They lack compassion

When someone is unable to emotionally connect with other people, it is probable that they will lack compassion as well. Compassion is best described as the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and express concerns for others. Without emotional connection, it is difficult to expect that out of someone.

In a crush, this could hint that your future relationship might struggle due to a lack of empathy. It is so important that both partners are on the same emotional level, so that you can build understanding and trust with each other.

2. They don’t seem to want a real relationship

Even if your crush may show interest back, they might be emotionally unavailable if they are unwilling to commit, or as Crystal Raypole from Healthline says, unwilling to use the word “relationship”, it may indicate that they are scared to or unable to provide the emotional intimacy necessary for a strong, sustainable relationship (Raypole, 2020).

This is not to say that your crush has to be ready to commit or put everything on the line right away. However, if you notice that they only seem to be interested in the thrill or excitement of being in a new relationship, their emotional availability may be something to consider.

3. Their body language comes off as distant

Body language can communicate feelings beyond words. According to an Oprah magazine article, psychologist Dr. Lindsey Jernigan says that if someone is hesitant to accept or reciprocate affectionate body language, it probably means that they are emotionally unavailable (Mateo, 2019). Such body language could be avoiding eye contact or standing with a defensive or distant posture (Mateo, 2019).

In addition, Jerrigan says that an inability to mirror facial expressions in reaction to yours could indicate a lack of emotional availability (Mateo, 2019). Recent neuroscience research linked this mirroring ability to greater empathy, If someone is unable to pick up on facial cues and mimic actions, it could mean that they may also be unable to connect with you emotionally (Mateo, 2019).

Body language is hard to hide behind, because it can be interpreted relatively universally. With that said, affectionate and connective body language can make us emotionally vulnerable, so a refusal to engage in such body language is a good determinant of emotional unavailability.

4. They are dismissive of you

Along with body language, your crush could be emotionally unavailable if they appear dismissive. One way a crush can be dismissive is if they are constantly unavailable to hang out or make plans with you, and never offer alternatives (Raypole 2020). Their dismissiveness could even mean that while they might make plans, they often show up late or cancel last-minute. Being physically present represents a desire to see you and get to know you, and without that desire it is unlikely for this person to emotionally commit to a relationship (Mateo 2019, Raypole 2020).

Even if they are physically there, your crush might be emotionally dismissive in their behavior (Mateo 2019). They may not listen to your point of view when they feel they are right, or, in other situations, it might be difficult for them to have an emotional conversation with you. This might resort to them consistently dismissing or avoiding conversations where they have to discuss or process stronger emotions (Gaba 2020, Mateo 2019).

We know that being treated in a dismissive way doesn’t feel good, and it can make you feel like you have done something wrong. Remember that when it comes to emotional unavailability, being dismissive can be seen as a sort of defensive mechanism. It usually arises internally, from a fear of emotionally connecting with someone. It can sting, but know that none of your behavior has caused this reaction in emotionally unavailable people!

5. They avoid emotional depth

Similar to being emotionally dismissive, your crush might appear uncomfortable with having emotional conversations, or ones that require them to go beyond the surface. It is possible that if they sense a conversation heading in this direction, they might rapidly change the subject or suddenly develop a more-closed off demeanor (Gaba 2020).

To be emotionally available, it is crucial to be accepting and in touch with your emotions and those of others, and showing discomfort with digging deep could indicate that they are repressing some of the tougher emotions that they still have not dealt with (Gaba 2020). It is important to recognize that if someone is doing this to you, this does not necessarily mean that they dislike you or that they do not want to talk to you, it could just mean that at this point in time, they are uncomfortable discussing anything that requires the acknowledgement of difficult or complex emotions. 

6. They don’t have many deep relationships with others

According to Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) Sherry Gaba in her article for Psychology Today, emotional availability, especially in adults, can be determined by someone’s depth of social relationships (Gaba, 2020). Strong, meaningful friendships are rooted in emotional understanding and vulnerability, interpersonal skills, and a willingness to open up to someone else. All of these are also consistent with being emotionally available (Gaba, 2020).

We aren’t saying that your crush needs to be Instagram famous or have a huge amount of friends, of course, but if you notice that many of their friendships stop at being colleagues or work associates, their willingness to open up and connect emotionally with others might be something to consider.

We hope you enjoyed learning about emotional unavailability. If you think we missed any signs, let us know in the comments below. Thanks for reading!

References

“Emotional Unavailability”. Fox Valley Institute. 2018.

Gaba, Sherry. “How to Spot an Emotionally Unavailable Person.” Psychology Today. 24 February 2020.

Mateo, Ashley. “How You Can Tell If Someone’s Emotionally Unavailable”. The Oprah Magazine. 10 October 2019.

Paddock, Catharine. “Could ‘mirror neurons’ explain brain mechanisms of empathy?”. Medical News Today. 15 April 2019.

Raypole, Crystal. “Emotionally Unavailable: What It Really Means”. Healthline. 27 January 2020.