Abandonment Issues: Signs, Causes & How to Overcome

Today’s article is brought to you in collaboration with Hailey Shafir from Choosing Therapy. You can find the original article here.

Abandonment issues involve a deep fear of being hurt, rejected, or abandoned. Fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety that often develops in response to specific painful or traumatic experiences like childhood abuse, neglect, or the loss of a loved one. Abandonment issues are closely linked to insecure attachment styles which are characterized by difficulty forming close, stable relationships with others. According to Attachment Theory, early childhood interactions between a child and their caregivers is a primary determinant of whether a person develops a secure or insecure attachment style. 

Before we proceed please remember, this article is for information purposes and not for self-diagnosis. 

With that said, here are the signs and causes explaining abandonment issues:

So what is this fear actually? 

Did you go through a specific painful experience of being betrayed, hurt, or abandoned by someone during childhood? Often, abandonment issues stem from early childhood traumas involving a parent or caregiver. Abandonment issues stemming from childhood often persist into adulthood. When parents and caregivers respond in warm, consistent, and attentive ways to the feelings and needs of children, children develop a “secure attachment” and are able to develop normally. A secure attachment style represents a person who learns to trust and open up to others, is responsive and warm to others, and can form healthy and close relationships. 

When this does not happen, the child remains in a state of chronic stress and fear, stunting their development and preventing specific important social and emotional milestones from being reached. This leads to the development of an “insecure attachment style.” 

What are some signs of Abandonment Issues?

In children, abandonment issues often show up as anxiety, especially when separating from a caregiver. Children with abandonment issues may be more easily upset and often have difficulty regulating their emotions. They may exhibit negative attention-seeking behaviors and have outbursts or tantrums. They can either demonstrate avoidant or antisocial behaviors, withdrawing from peers, or bullying others. They might also be either very fearful of adults or overly trusting, developing fast dependencies.

What about the signs of abandonment issues in adults? Have you developed specific defense mechanisms that make it more difficult to form close, healthy relationships? Do you push people away, withdraw, and avoid trusting or opening up to people? The particular types of defense mechanisms a person with abandonment issues develops can be different. These are categorized as different “attachment styles.” Adults with abandonment issues will display similar unhealthy patterns in their relationships. They will become overly needy in relationships and will develop patterns of codependency, relying on the other person to meet all of their emotional needs. Others with abandonment fears will allow people to get close, but become volatile, aggressive, or emotionally reactive with their partner when they feel threatened or upset. Each of these distinct patterns represents a specific type of insecure attachment.

The Causes and Triggers of Abandonment Issues

Did you go through abuse, neglect, or a traumatic loss of a loved one during childhood? Abandonment issues that begin in childhood are almost always the result of Adverse Childhood Experiences (or ACE’s), which describe different types of stressful and traumatic experiences. These experiences lead to the development of negative beliefs about oneself and others that form the basis for insecure attachments and abandonment fears. These beliefs can include self-worth issues like believing one is unlovable or unworthy, beliefs that others are untrustworthy, or believing people will always end up leaving. These core beliefs are referred to as “Internal Working Models” in Attachment theory and are believed to drive insecure attachment patterns, even in adulthood. Some of the childhood experiences that cause abandonment issues and insecure attachment styles include:

Having a caregiver who is neglectful or unresponsive to the feelings and needs of a child 

Having a caregiver who is physically or emotionally abusive or intimidating

Having a caregiver who is inconsistent, sometimes warm and attentive and other times cold and unresponsive or abusive 

Being the victim of sexual abuse, especially as a child or teen

Having a caregiver who is separated or absent (death of a parent, incarceration, or a parent who is not an active caregiver)

Abandonment fears can be caused by any of these experiences, and are not always the direct result of one particular event, but instead a pattern of not consistently meeting a child’s physical and emotional needs. Sometimes, this is caused by certain environmental factors or circumstances, instead of parenting deficits. These environmental and social risk factors include things like being exposed to violence in the community or within the home, coming from low socioeconomic status, or being a minority. Children who are raised in adoptive families or who are placed in foster care also often struggle with fears of abandonment and insecure attachments. Even children from loving stable homes could have developed abandonment issues if a parent was frequently working or traveling, or if one parent struggled with chronic health or mental health conditions. While experiencing trauma in childhood is more likely to lead to insecure attachment, experiences later on in life may also cause insecure attachments and abandonment fears. For instance, being in an emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive relationship, being cheated on or betrayed, or experiencing rejection as an adult could trigger these fears. While not everyone who has these experiences will go on to develop abandonment issues, some will. This happens when the person’s unresolved trauma from one relationship is carried over and impacts a person’s future relationships.

When & How to Seek Help for Abandonment Issues

Do you have difficulty forming close romantic relationships or friendships? Is there intense anxiety about commitment that impacts a significant relationship? Difficulty being open, vulnerable, or trusting others because of past experiences are commonly faced by those having abandonment issues. Some of the signs that could indicate a need for professional help include patterns of choosing partners who are abusive, controlling, needy, emotionally unstable, or unavailable. Patterns of unhealthy communication, consistent feedback from others that you are too needy, and a pattern of “losing yourself” in relationships are all experienced due to fear of abandonment. 

When significant past traumas or unhealed emotional wounds continue to bother you or impact your relationships or behavior in unwanted ways, you may benefit from seeking professional counseling. Seeking a counselor who is experienced in treating trauma is a great help. If you or a loved one is struggling with abandonment issues, therapy may be able to help you move forward. If you are currently in a relationship that is being affected by your abandonment issues, consider seeking out a therapist who specializes in couples therapy. The Choosing Therapy Directory is a great place to find therapists for individual or couples counseling and offer a free consultation to match you with a great therapist.

We hope we were able to give you insight into the signs and causes of abandonment issues. Do any of these describe your experience? Or did any of these points describe you? Leave a comment down below about your encounters with them if you’d like! Please feel free to share any thoughts you have as well!

Thanks for reading!