Asian American Men And Western Dating: Cultural Reasoning Why They’re Unfavorable Romantically

…a Japanese mother…had married her college sweetheart, the veritable big man of campus, and who was Caucasian. She has 3 sons, two of them who looked white and had no confidence and social issues. They were following their father’s footsteps. But her third and youngest son, 14 years old, looked the most Asian and was the shyest, least confident and least outgoing of her sons. She had tried to send him to various summer camps and sign him up for sports and other things when she called me up. But he continued to play video games, play Pokémon, and generally not associate with other people beyond the internet. (“Asian disadvantages,” n.d.)

It’s tough to openly express, but a majority of society are well-aware Asian American men are not the most favorable in the Western dating world.

I find it incredibly unfortunate! I truly feel as if every culture has such beautiful aspects to it and have formulated a diverse range of attractive men. Of course, cultural stereotypes are mere generalizations and don’t apply to every man of his own ethnicity, but, moreover, I find it very close-minded when someone looks down upon an ethnicity.

Coming from a more traditional background, I completely understand why someone wouldn’t prefer interracial dating, and even be completely against it. However, I think it’s best to not only be well-aware of cultural values/lifestyles, but to also formulate our opinions of individuals based on our encounters with them.

On the topic of Asian American men being at a disadvantage romantically: why is this so?

This is what one article says:

 …social harmony is sexual suicide in Anglo countries (UK, Australia, USA, New Zealand, Canada). Asian societies try to value social harmony over individual freedom. Thus, [they try to fit in,] save face (guard… reputation) and that produces what the west calls “beta men” (pansies) who are:

 

• Tolerant because [they’re] trying to maintain harmony and to protect [their] greed you need to protect the status quo by not fighting back.

 

• Respectful because [they’re] trying to maintain harmony.

 

• “saving face” (guarding your reputation) leads to the Asian Poker Face because everyone wants to fit in. Worse yet, it creates higher anxiety when approaching women and talking to people in general, which is tough enough on its own. Being completely emotionless is romantic suicide.

 

• Poor eye contact because direct contact looks aggressive and may hurt harmony.

 

• Socially awkward. This is the result of many other factors like poor eye contact, saving face, respectful, and racist media.

 

• Clones of each other – how many Asians have you seen in a band, at the x-games, or at a protest?

 

• Unexpressive because [they’re] trying to maintain harmony

 

• Obedient because [they’re] trying to maintain harmony.

 

• Shy because [they’re] trying to be “respectful”. In fact, parents will often tell children to stay silent to “fit in”.

 

• Passiveness/no-balls “nice guys” because [they’re] trying to maintain harmony (“Asian disadvantages,” n.d.)

Socially awkward, passiveness and emotionless…we can rightfully say that at least 95% of women in Western cultures would find these qualities “eh”.

“How sexy can a calculator toting conformist be?” Michael Hung writes in a special article for CNN where he details his insight with dating in America.

He’s had three long-term relationships and all of them were with Asian-American women. It’s not as if he intended to solely seek out women in his race but:

“…it was, admittedly, easier. Easier in that she automatically removed her shoes at the door. Easier in that I could slurp noodles and gnaw at chicken feet unabashed. And easier on my ego, because when I asked an Asian-American girl for her phone number, she would give it. I would not be dismissed, or snickered at, or overhear, “But he’s Asian,” from a friend on the wing. (Hung, 2013)

(I’ve seen this happen one too many times to my Asian male friends).

Now, I completely empathize with this. I’m open minded to interracial dating and have been on dates with men of numerous ethnicities, including German, Puerto Rican, Irish, Salvadorian, etc. But relationship-wise? The men that I connected with seriously enough to call it a relationship were all Asian Americans—not Vietnamese American (like myself) but Korean, Filipino and Chinese. Why? Similar to what Hung stated: culturally it was just more natural for our lifestyles to mesh well together. However, it’s definitely a possibility that in the near future my romantic partner will be of a different race.

Back to Hung: he rightfully expresses that mainstream media portrays Asian men to be anything but sexy and irresistible. “Under these influences, how can the American public see a young Asian-American man as an object of desire? How can a young Asian-American man see himself as a sexual creature?”

What are your answers to the questions presented in this article?

Xoxo,

Chrissy

References

[Photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/289356344780784082/

Asian disadvantages. (n.d.). Retrieved January 10, 2015, from http://asianmancure.com/asian_disadvantages.php

Hung, M. (2013, February 20). Opinion: Asian-American men can be sexy, too [Blog post]. Retrieved from http://inamerica.blogs.cnn.com/2013/02/20/holdopinion-asian-american-men-can-be-sexy-too/

Edited by: Zoe