Can a Relationship Progress If One Party is Financially Unstable?
“I’m sorry, but it’s become fairly obvious that you are looking for a sense of [financial] security that I can’t provide. I just have too much that I’m working on fixing from my past, I don’t have the energy to try to find answers for the future.”
With those concluding words from him, my most serious and lengthiest relationship came to an end.
A research study by the Texas Tech University suggests that “[c]ouples with extreme financial stress tend to have lower levels of satisfaction in their relationships. Emotionally strained by their financial struggle, some people become more hostile, irritable or uncommunicative toward their spouse” (Paramapoonya, n.d.)
He informed me that if money was the deciding factor, then we weren’t meant for one another. It was NOT the absence of money; it was more so his lack of a plan or motivation to become financially stable. I’m a natural cheerleader by heart and didn’t mind lending him money or rooting him on to reach financial stability…but if someone isn’t motivated, how much longer should one stay in the stands cheering for them?
After months of not going on dates and lending him money, I felt I really needed him to lock down what he was going to do to reach financial stability. I strongly feel that at his age of 34, a person needs to either 1) be financially secure or 2) have a sense of urgency to reach financial security. He didn’t want to provide a plan, so I could no longer provide him a romantic relationship.
Kristin Magaldi of Bustle.com shares with her readers: “Money, especially a lack-there-of, has a way of making everything in life harder…From starting out in the dating game, to pursuing a serious, long-term relationship, money will always be an ever-present unifier or divider” (Magaldi, 2015).
Now, our relationship did not come to a conclusion simply due to one factor. For months, I seriously analyzed both of our: (contrasting) personalities, long term plans and core values. I aimed to determine if our compatibility was in existence. I can EASILY see: how terrific of a listener he is, how incredibly patient he is with me, and how he fully accepts me for the imperfect person I am. Now, the real question was: despite all these great qualities about him, could I fully accept him and be happy furthering our serious relationship?
Being a woman in her mid twenties, I only date to marry. I’m a serious relationship type of girl-none of that hook up casual business for me. Could I be happy marrying this man…without feeling the need to change him? Could I be happy marrying a man who has completely opposite political beliefs as me? Could I be happy marrying a man who illegally smokes weed daily…and was going to break up with me when I asked if he can smoke it outside (I requested this of him after my Psychiatrist strongly advised me to not be around weed, due to it having negative interactions with my current medications)? As you can see, the decision to conclude our relationship derived from numerous of reasons, not simply me being narrow minded about one quality.
I want a partner who is passionate about the activities he’s partaking in. I want a partner who is ambitious enough to chase after his list of endeavors. I want a partner who possess a mentality to know better than to settle for what-he even admits-is a “shitty job that pays crap”. Was this him?
Unfortunately, not.
I grew up in a family that was very financially unstable and had to live off government benefits. I grew up telling myself I would do whatever it took to allow my children to NEVER feel the burden of their parents being financially unstable. I need a partner who is secure: financially, emotionally and physically.
Am I maybe expecting too much? Thoughts are welcome.
Magaldi, K. (2015, November 24). 6 Ways Your Finances Affect Your Love Life. Retrieved September 24, 2016, from http://www.bustle.com/articles/124478-6-ways-your-finances-affect-your-love-life
Paramapoonya, O. (n.d.). How Does Money Affect a Relationship? Retrieved September 24, 2016, from http://budgeting.thenest.com/money-affect-relationship-29112.html
Someone in that position shouldn’t have pursued a relationship, in the first place. He was setting himself up for failure. I can safely say he wasn’t happy about this, and never will be. As life goes on, he will get more and more bitter and angry. Financial inadequacy is one of the biggest reasons men will not get into relationships, marry, and have a family. They simply cannot afford it. Men are supposed to be the providers, if they can’t provide, they are failures, as men. This is the way it is. I’m not saying this to be cruel. I’m in this boat.
I feel men should provide but as a woman in a relationship with someone who is financially unstable should of provide the necessities for him to find work not just provide money not knowing what he will do with it. I can be supportive of a man’s goals but if he doesn’t have that then to me he is dead weight.
im 23 with student loans, a child and nothing i own , i currently live at home with parents , i have a job and im saving and paying on my loans, should i date
You should continue working on yourself. You live at home (hopefully little to no rent) so you can save! If you do date I feel like you should be as honest and open as possible. Dont lead one to believe you’re in a better situation than you really are. You might meet someone who truly cares for you and over time realizes your worth. People are way more understanding and willing to help when you are worth it. At the same time make sure you’re doing your part. Work hard and don’t be lazy. Me personally, I’d hold off on dating until I at least had a car because it can put a lot of strain on the other person without it. Unless they are welcomed to chill with you at your parents house. I’m stable enough to take care of ME (no kids) and have never signed up to take care of my mate. Usually in the beginning of a relationship he hasn’t proven his worth nor am I in the position to support two people. That’s unattractive and a weird thing to feel entitled to. As I grow attached, then of course I want to help. Idk, all I’m saying is if you do choose to date, to expect anyone to automatically take care of you. Can you afford dates? Transportation costs? If so, GO FOR IT! Good luck.
Financial difficulties can make things so hard in a relationship, whether it’s one person who is unstable financially or both of you. But I do think it’s possible for a relationship to succeed with money problems – love conquers all!
Comment*its the harsh reality for men,and if that,s what it takes to acquire adoration and emerge a winner in the pecking order then let it b so.men am in the same boat also,take a quick gulp and swallow the bitter pill.