“I’m sorry, but it’s become fairly obvious that you are looking for a sense of [financial] security that I can’t provide. I just have too much that I’m working on fixing from my past, I don’t have the energy to try to find answers for the future.”
With those concluding words from him, my most serious and lengthiest relationship came to an end.
A research study by the Texas Tech University suggests that “[c]ouples with extreme financial stress tend to have lower levels of satisfaction in their relationships. Emotionally strained by their financial struggle, some people become more hostile, irritable or uncommunicative toward their spouse” (Paramapoonya, n.d.)
He informed me that if money was the deciding factor, then we weren’t meant for one another. It was NOT the absence of money; it was more so his lack of a plan or motivation to become financially stable. I’m a natural cheerleader by heart and didn’t mind lending him money or rooting him on to reach financial stability…but if someone isn’t motivated, how much longer should one stay in the stands cheering for them?
After months of not going on dates and lending him money, I felt I really needed him to lock down what he was going to do to reach financial stability. I strongly feel that at his age of 34, a person needs to either 1) be financially secure or 2) have a sense of urgency to reach financial security. He didn’t want to provide a plan, so I could no longer provide him a romantic relationship.
Kristin Magaldi of Bustle.com shares with her readers: “Money, especially a lack-there-of, has a way of making everything in life harder…From starting out in the dating game, to pursuing a serious, long-term relationship, money will always be an ever-present unifier or divider” (Magaldi, 2015).
Now, our relationship did not come to a conclusion simply due to one factor. For months, I seriously analyzed both of our: (contrasting) personalities, long term plans and core values. I aimed to determine if our compatibility was in existence. I can EASILY see: how terrific of a listener he is, how incredibly patient he is with me, and how he fully accepts me for the imperfect person I am. Now, the real question was: despite all these great qualities about him, could I fully accept him and be happy furthering our serious relationship?
Being a woman in her mid twenties, I only date to marry. I’m a serious relationship type of girl-none of that hook up casual business for me. Could I be happy marrying this man…without feeling the need to change him? Could I be happy marrying a man who has completely opposite political beliefs as me? Could I be happy marrying a man who illegally smokes weed daily…and was going to break up with me when I asked if he can smoke it outside (I requested this of him after my Psychiatrist strongly advised me to not be around weed, due to it having negative interactions with my current medications)? As you can see, the decision to conclude our relationship derived from numerous of reasons, not simply me being narrow minded about one quality.
I want a partner who is passionate about the activities he’s partaking in. I want a partner who is ambitious enough to chase after his list of endeavors. I want a partner who possess a mentality to know better than to settle for what-he even admits-is a “shitty job that pays crap”. Was this him?
I grew up in a family that was very financially unstable and had to live off government benefits. I grew up telling myself I would do whatever it took to allow my children to NEVER feel the burden of their parents being financially unstable. I need a partner who is secure: financially, emotionally and physically.
Am I maybe expecting too much? Thoughts are welcome.
Magaldi, K. (2015, November 24). 6 Ways Your Finances Affect Your Love Life. Retrieved September 24, 2016, from http://www.bustle.com/articles/124478-6-ways-your-finances-affect-your-love-life
Paramapoonya, O. (n.d.). How Does Money Affect a Relationship? Retrieved September 24, 2016, from http://budgeting.thenest.com/money-affect-relationship-29112.html