Dating the Emotionally Unavailable

It’s all too easily relate-able. You know, the typical: the guy who’s not ready for a relationship because he’s chasing his dreams or the party girl who just wants to play the field. We’ve all been, or currently are, in that type of dreaded scenario.

Readers: I love you all.  Very sincerely. Our team is extremely grateful that you guys continue to remain faithful readers. I’m hoping with my rare openness, you readers will be open with us with any comments/stories/suggestions you’d like to share.

First off, i’m the type of girl that prefers communication to be extremely clear. I aim to remain semi-mysterious always but i’m always clear about my intentions and desires. Feelings are something one shouldn’t toy with because they’re a mighty powerful thing. No one likes heartache and no one likes being lead on, right?  No one wants to be that guy who thinks he has a chance, but he’s only friend zoned. No girl wants to be the girl who’s falling for a guy, who secretly only views her as a hook up buddy. At the end of the day, no one wants to get hurt. Simple as that.

Readers: What are your dating intentions? Are you looking for the long-term committed type? Are you hoping to test out waters and casually date multiple? Are you looking for a satisfying hook up buddy?

When I first met this guy, he was ambiguous about what he was looking for but he did hint he wanted something long term. Life plays out and halfway through, he claims he doesn’t want a girlfriend because he wants to focus on his career. I get this ideology as i’m an independent woman myself who, too, is avidly chasing her aspirations. However, I would only invest my time in someone I see long-term potential with; I don’t feel like wasting my time on something that will end next month. I fully understand why some people prefer dating around short-termly but that’s just not me: i’m either VERY single or dating, with the intention of establishing something long-term.

What feelings would stir if you were nearly a year into dating someone and they pulled the whole: “Yeah…I know I said I wanted a relationship earlier but now…things changed and i’m just not ready” ?

It’s like you’ve been mislead the entire time. It’s like you’ve invested your time, effort, money and feelings on something that was artificial. Someone that was artificial. 

When you adore someone, your rational vision tends to be blurred. We’ve all made excuses to why they mistreat us, why they lie to us, why they weren’t reliable, etc.  When you care deeply for someone, you’d sacrifice and put up with a lot of things you normally wouldn’t.

To avoid landing yourself with an emotionally unavailable character, here’s a list of red flags:

1) Has a lot of exes

2) Isn’t over an ex

3) rarely responds to calls or texts

4) Doesn’t make definite plans, only calls you day of or spontaneously

5) Is only interested in sex

6) Doesn’t introduce you to friends or family

7) Never talks about the future

8) Avoids the relationship conversation

9) Says that he/she doesn’t want a relationship

Match.com has released a three step process on what to do with an emotionally unavailable partner:

Ask the question: We all know having the “relationship talk” is always a trembling thing, even more so if you feel the other is at an arm’s length. However, you’re only setting yourself up for heartache if you avoid the conversation when you want to take things to the next level. Ask them what they think of the relationship and listen carefully. Don’t avoid any red flags. Have the conversation in a caring way and  in a neutral setting where you both are relaxed. Don’t attack them.

Brace yourself for any answer: Answers may range drastically to: “I’m open to taking it to the next level and getting more serious” to “I think it’s too early” to “I’m not looking for a commitment right now.” Yes, it will hurt if the other person gives you an answer you weren’t hoping to hear but,  embrace yourself for any possible answer.

Embrace that no matter what happens, you’re better off: Too many people (especially women) don’t ask the question because they don’t want to lose the person. You will be happier in the long run if you are honest with yourself and with whomever you’re dating. Having The Talk doesn’t always result in a breakup, sometimes it’s the step that will further blossom things.

Here’s a thought: Is it every okay for you to agree to a specific relationship you originally didn’t want if you come across a very special someone, whom you share remarkable chemistry with?

I’d love to hear what you guys think. I will read every single story, comment, and suggestion you leave me and reply back to them.

Xoxo,

Chrissy

Sources:

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/9613/He-Wont-Commit/

http://www.bustle.com/articles/16799-9-signs-he-or-she-isnt-ready-to-commit