Is Your Depression Beyond Words?

Trigger warning: This article contains descriptions about depression that may be triggering. If you are not in a mentally healthy place to read this, you may consider to delay reading this until you feel much better.  

Have you ever felt that you are feeling all alone in this world, despite being surrounded by your favourite people? Do you feel hopeless, or do you feel that your future is so bleak, and you are completely out of control of yourself and your own emotions? You experience this unsettling feeling in your chest that you ardently hope that you will not wake up tomorrow morning. You feel so much pain, which is beyond words. It hurts tremendously, and no matter how much you try to make yourself happy by getting involved in your favourite activity, you never feel the same kind of joy that you used to feel in the past.

This…is exactly what happened to a college student, Owen. 

Owen has just broken up with his significant other. He thought she was the one. She was his whole world. They even promised a life happily ever after. He thought she was his first and last love. But, that day, when she met him on his birthday, every colour in the world turned into specters of black and white. 

“I…don’t love you anymore. I feel that we lost the connection that we once had. Let’s break up.” 

Owen’s heart sank. He felt the small box containing a pair of engagement rings inside the left pocket of his jeans, and felt that his whole world had been crushed. Without having the chance to show the ring that he had chosen for her, he just  watched her walking away…away from him…away from their relationship that they had built together. 

That night, Owen laid on his bed. 

“This hurts so much. Am I sick?” He asks this question over and over in his head. 

Soon, everything becomes a huge chore. Even waking up from bed requires a tremendous amount of energy. He becomes a recluse. He spends most time in the room, with no energy to go out of it. He also feels a lack of energy to join his online classes. 

“What’s the point?” This question intrudes his mind over and over again. 

His parents try to get him to leave the room. 

“Come on out, I’ve made your favourite food,” says his mother. 

• 

“Owen, let’s watch your favourite football team on television right now,” his father coaxes. 

Owen refuses both invitations. Bed is his “safe place”. 

His father comes inside his room. 

“Owen, you don’t seem like yourself right now. Tell me, what’s wrong?” 

Owen remains silent. He himself does not know what’s the matter with him. But one thing for sure, he knows that he is broken. 

His father looks into his eyes and says, “I may not fully understand what you are feeling right now, but I believe in you. You are your father’s and mother’s son. You are strong. You are brave. Right now, you may experience a pain that hurts so much that you cannot describe it with words. I know it sucks, but you can always overcome this. It’s okay to feel pain. Let’s go through this together. If you are ready to tell me what is weighing heavily on your heart, please do tell me.” 

His father’s words feel like a warm blanket, giving him comfort. He may still feel the pain, but now he knows that it’s okay to sit with the emotion once he feels it. He may not feel entirely okay, but he knows that he has the support that he needs. He has his people who believe in him, so he will keep going. He promises to himself. 

Psych2goers, do you find yourself to be in the same boat as Owen? How do you manage your feelings? Feel free to tell us in the comment section below.