Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and Relationships

This article is brought to you in collaboration with Gary Trosclair from Choosing Therapy. You can find the original article here.

You might have heard of the more well-known OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). But have you heard of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder? Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, also known as OCPD, is a personality disorder, and therefore affects the entire personality while OCD is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by the presence of specific obsessions. 

Partners with OCPD can be a curse or a blessing. They can be rigid, controlling, and critical. But they can also be dependable, hardworking, and conscientious. Usually, people with full-blown OCPD present great challenges to a relationship. The non-compulsive partner can only do so much to improve the situation. But that limited amount can still make a significant difference. 

Some individuals have both OCPD and OCD, which tends to magnify the symptoms of both conditions. But people with OCPD do not have insight into the disruptions that the symptoms create in their lives. They get lost in details and forget the original intention of their projects. OCPD results from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. 

Not everyone with OCPD is the same. Some people with the disorder are more domineering, some are more workaholic, some are overly eager to please, and some procrastinate. The domineering variety usually presents the greatest difficulties in relationships. Though workaholics, because they are unavailable, and procrastinators, because they don’t meet their responsibilities, may also cause distress in relationships.

Before we begin, please remember this article is for informative purposes and not to be used for self-diagnosis. In cases of doubt, opting for professional help is the best option always. 

With that said here’s how relationships are affected by OCPD:

OCPD And Relationships?

Sometimes it isn’t possible to improve a relationship with an OCPD partner because many people with the condition are convinced that their way of living is superior, and are not open to change. But some are willing to change and enlist their obsessive-compulsive determination in improving their role as a partner. Misunderstanding a partner with OCPD can make a challenging situation worse. As their behavior results from a combination of misguided good intentions, and anxiety about being good enough as a person. While people with OCPD may appear to be confident and in control, they are usually deeply insecure underneath. This is why you always feel the need to be perfect. So, while your behavior may appear to be driven by self-interest, disrespect, or indifference, your motivations are actually much different. If as the non-compulsive partner, you interpret their actions as being demeaning, you may miss not only their positive motivations but also their underlying anxiety.

When  both partners’ anxieties become inflamed, and both become afraid to be close to the other it’s all downhill from there:

1. Anxiety Leads to Control

Do they make comments or demands about how to cook, how to dress, what to eat, what to say, and how to make love? The first way that OCPD affects relationships is that the compulsive partner, out of fear of things going wrong, tries to control what happens in the relationship and to control how the non-compulsive partner behaves. While the intention of the compulsive partner is usually to be helpful, it usually feels anything but helpful for the other person.

2. Too Much Time At Work May Lead To Neglect

Do they spend inordinate amounts of time at work and abandon their partner? The non-compulsive partner would interpret this to mean that the compulsive partner doesn’t care about them or doesn’t enjoy being with them. However, there could be many other reasons for this, including an actual addiction to work. Another possible reason is that the compulsive partner fears not only failing at work but more importantly, in the relationship. Since relationships don’t come naturally, their perfection may lead them to focus on work because they have more control and more self-assurance that they can succeed there.

3. Control Discourages Vulnerability

Are they reluctant to show any vulnerability, as they pursue “perfection”? Another way OCPD affects the relationship is that both partners stop being vulnerable in the relationship, and this usually leads to it becoming dry, lifeless, and unfulfilling. But this presentation, along with frequent commands and demands, may end up leaving the non-compulsive partner afraid to express their real feelings and needs for fear of being criticized or humiliated. if you are the non-OCPD partner, you may also begin to distance yourself from your partner for fear of being emotionally dependent on someone that is critical or unavailable.

4. Unhealthy Division of Labor Limits Both Partners

Have they become more machine-like with time, counting pennies and minutes and rules infractions? When one partner has OCPD, both partners may fall into an unhealthy division of labor, in terms of chores and emotions. As the compulsive partner, you take responsibility for all the organizing, cleaning, planning, and accounting. You typically feel a great deal of responsibility and are usually very frightened of getting something wrong or making a mistake. Some compulsives, in their efforts to do the right thing, may be very compliant, but later resent that compliance, possibly becoming passive-aggressive or exploding in anger. You may not develop the capacity for leisure, humor, play, and other less serious activities if you feel you can’t afford to loosen up because of the responsibility they carry. On the other hand, if the non-compulsive partner is put into the position of the one who has to carry all of the emotions and affection, and none of the accomplishments in the relationship, they may fail to develop their own gifts and personality. As the non-compulsive partner, you begin to believe that you are incompetent, and so less likely to take the risks that are essential to a full life.

But not all hope is lost. With perspective, communication, and self-care as three of the most important tools, you can improve your relationship with a compulsive partner. Any one of the three alone will probably not be sufficient, but the three together may be able to shift the balance toward a more healthy and fulfilling relationship. 

Final Thoughts:

We hope we were able to give you insight into the ways OCPD can be lethal for relationships. Did this video help you learn more about ODPD? What other topics would you like us to talk about? Leave a comment down below and feel free to share any thoughts you have as well! Thanks for reading!