A Positive Outlook on Self-Worth and Destructive Criticism: An Interview with Allison Abrams
Whether it’s in the workplace, at school or even at home, some of us feel quite overwhelmed when it comes to criticism. Recently, I came across an article: “How to Respond Gracefully to Destructive Criticism”, and this really made me wonder, “how can someone truly react positively to criticism without feeling anxious or insecure?” Luckily, I had the opportunity to interview Allison Abrams, a licensed clinical social worker who has worked in various social service agencies and training in psychoanalytic, CBT, and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.
Below, Allison was able to capture the importance to reacting gracefully to destructive criticism without damaging your own self-worth.If you want more information on how to “respond gracefully” to destructive criticism, I highly recommend checking Allison’s article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201704/how-respond-gracefully-destructive-criticism
What are some ways we can be more self-aware of our own stress/anxiety and “respond gracefully” to criticism in the workplace, online or at school?
Mindfulness is key. It can help us become more aware of what triggers our negative emotions such as anxiety. It can help us cope with it better, and it helps us 
learn to not react out of emotion- which usually leads to us not making the best choices.
How may someone react positively to destructive criticism and not let it overwhelm them?
If someone is being insulting or offering destructive criticism, the best thing to do is to not react (although this may be difficult). But think of it as refusing to take in their negative, toxic energy- that’s all it is.
How can someone decipher between constructive and/or destructive criticism?
Quite simply, the intention behind the constructive criticism is a genuine wish to help a person improve. The intention behind destructive criticism- which is often unsolicited- is to insult or put down the person that is being criticized.
If you ever face yourself in a situation where you are receiving destructive criticism, self-compassion is an important asset to your well-being.
Self-compassion is critical to our emotional well-being, and therefore, to our overall well-being, as it’s all interconnected. When we have compassion for ourselves, we treat ourselves better. When we treat ourselves better, others tend to treat us better. This leads to healthier relationships and a healthier quality of life.
Due to the influence of apps such as Instagram, Twitter or Facebook, how may social media affect our self-esteem?
What the research found is that how you use social media will impact how it will affect you emotionally. For example, those who use it purely for staying connected to friends and loved ones, are generally not affected negatively. However, those who spend a lot of time primarily looking at others’ pages and comparing their own lives to them generally become envious – this can be harmful especially if you already have a shaky sense of self-worth, to begin with.
Are there ways we can effectively give criticism and still influence an individual’s well-being in a positive way?
- Don’t offer criticism unless it is asked for. Before responding, ask yourself the following questions: will my remarks cause this person hurt? If someone said these things to me, how would I feel?
- Are my critical remarks coming from a genuine desire to help this person?
How can someone manage their self-esteem and/or anxiety in a healthy way?
Surrounding yourself with supportive others is essential. Even if you work in a toxic environment, or are in another situation that is out of your control, be sure to form positive, healthy relationships in the other areas of your life. Also, discover what your strengths are and focus on those, rather than your perceived ‘weaknesses’. Everyone has a gift or something that they are good at or passionate about.
What is the best advice you would give someone who is suffering from low self-esteem?
Remember that many struggle or have struggled with self-esteem or self-worth- more people than you realize. So, be gentle with yourself and remember that you’re not alone. As previously mentioned, focus on your positive aspects. Being in psychotherapy with a supportive therapist can be enormously helpful in building self-esteem.
I love this topic because as an adolescent, it is hard to have high self esteem and there could be many reasons for it. As someone who is an artist and likes to sing, constructive criticism is something I have always had to deal with and sometimes I would be fine, but there were times where I found myself wanting to fight back. The article, although somewhat short, was quick and to the point so it is an easy read for anyone who wants to inform themselves on this topic. I feel as though there could have been some more information put in to be further informed about other findings in this topic. Overall, great article though!
As an artist myself, I understand what you mean about taking constructive criticism. I’ve had to learn not to take criticism of my art as a personal attack. The interview mentions Mindfulness as a great technique to handle criticism and I completely agree. Labelling your thoughts and feelings are beneficial. Have you tried any mindfulness techniques? These techniques can also be beneficial to working on your self esteem. It’s a process that we’re all working on and you’re not alone.
I have tried them and they have definitely helped a lot especially in stages when I was learning how to draw. It is great advice.
That’s great to hear! And just like drawing, mindfulness is definitely a skill you learn and practice. For myself, I would say I’m my own worst critic. What would you say is the best technique you use to remain a positive self outlook? Have you had to use this strategy on a destructive critique?
Thanks for the feedback Kathy. I’m happy this topic is able to inform you and bring light on a subject that’s not always touched on. This is something that should be discussed more, so I think it’s important to consider how we can take criticism without it taking a toll on our self-esteem, passions and/or talents. Always remember your own self-worth and all the positive things you’re capable of because no one knows you better than yourself!
I think many people can benefit from this article. Not only does it give good advice for handling destructive criticism but also gives advice on how to give criticism in a constructive way. Many times, whether it be at work, home, or on social media, people tend to focus only on the negative and what is being done wrong when being able to give constructive criticism when warranted can almost guarantee better environments for everyone involved.
I think many people needed to read about this, thank you for sharing this! Be gentle with yourself, and most of all, be patient! Things take time to develop/change so keep working at it, never stop trying! 🙂
I really like how you touched on an ongoing, but vital topic in society. Though the questions asked are substantial, it could of gone far beyond, particularly when people would go through stints of self-worth issues.
However, this interview is really a refreshing take on anxiety and self-esteem.
A lot of people experience destructive criticism, wether it is in school, work, social media or at home and most people do not really know how to cope with such a situation.
This article can really help alot. I think the advices for handeling destructive cirticism are very helpfull and very easy to understand, so that, with some time, people can actually learn to ignor such criticism and focus on their positiv aspects.
Also it is very good that the article gives an advice on how to give criticism in a constructive way, because sometimes we don’t even realise that we are hurting people.
I thought this was an incredible article. There were so many clear points, everything was concise. Such a good read.
I would like to perhaps point out that the “anxiety” terminology in the first question is however, not as clear to readers. What makes an anxious thought as such? Anxiety is in everyone, and for some it is more severe than others – causing it to be a disorder. So how can we determine, as individuals, that the anxiety we experience is not normal? For what we do experience, is it valid?
Not only this, but perhaps a definition of “Destructive Criticism” in the beginning, or the introduction, of the article would have been helpful. We all know the idea of “Constructive Criticism,” so it wouldn’t be a good idea to throw a new concept at us when we’re so used to otherwise. Also, maybe don’t have the question that helps clarify the differences between “constructive” or “destructive” late in the article as it could help readers grasp the focus of the entirety of the interview if you had it earlier in the piece. Overall, however, wonderful job!
Enisse well said and well written.
I love your points mentioned below they are very helpful reminders and useful.
– When we have compassion for ourselves, we treat ourselves better.
– Don’t offer criticism unless it is asked for. Before responding, ask yourself the following questions: will my remarks cause this person hurt? If someone said these things to me, how would I feel?Are my critical remarks coming from a genuine desire to help this person.
N.C.
Mentioning the difference between constructive and destructive criticism was very important. I feel most people don’t always see the difference and take constructive criticism for destructive criticism at often times. From my own experience, I entered pre-k while struggling with bad social anxiety. It was something that affected most of my elementary and middle school experience and it often made me feel bad when others interpreted my quietness for being rude. It wasn’t until I received more of a constructive criticism about myself that I then felt I understood the situation better. I was told why my quietness may influence others to feel certain ways towards me and from then on, I felt less bad about myself and worked harder to improve from that struggle.
The social media input I feel is very important as well. Social media has had an immense impact on our society today, especially with the support of Charles Cooley’s, “The Looking Glass Self” concept. It can be common that before posting something onto social media, people tend to think about what others may analyze of them from what they post. In a way, like they are trying to avoid any destructive criticism from their viewers.
As receiving criticism can be difficult to deal with, I never thought about how giving criticism can be just as difficult sometimes. Of course it depends on who you are as a person, but giving others feedback can be tricky with not wanting to offend or hurt the other person. I feel the two incites given on ways to effectively give criticism was a great thing to mention, as this can be helpful for the readers to use in future situations. However, I feel it’s good to think about how the other person may interpret your feedback as well. You may say something out of trying to help someone, but they may just feel offended and you may not realize it. Therefore, perspective is key as well.
From reading this article, I feel this has many beneficial aspects to it. Self-esteem and anxiety can be very difficult things to battle, especially being that it can be complicated to avoid things that inflict our self-esteem and anxiety even more. Although, focusing on our positive aspects and remembering that you’re not alone was a great ending statement to this article.
I really enjoyed this article! It is simple yet so real and applicable to what a lot of us will encounter in our everyday lives at commonplaces like in school or at the workplace. It not only teaches the recipients of destructive criticism how to gracefully react to them and not be consumed by the negativity, but also raises awareness about how to be more tactful when providing feedback to others. In many cases, people are often unaware that their actions or words are hurtful and this may provide some additional understanding. I myself sometimes have the tendency to get too overwhelmed and affected by destructive constructivism and may sometimes end up being pre-occupied with the negativity that honestly might not even be true or relevant. This article is enlightening for me.
I also liked the mention of the role of social media during the interview, and I felt that it was interesting how Allison highlighted that it is not social media itself per se that affects self-esteem, but how we utilise social media and how we interact with it. I think it’s true that social media users have to be cautious when using social media. It is easy to be so subsumed with the world online that we forget that much of what we see online might not accurately reflect reality, or that it only represents a small population of the world. For example, females who look at photos of other more ‘good looking’ females on Instagram. These photos may well have been photoshopped, or that lighting or angle contributed to such an image, and thus does not accurately reflect reality. This bias serves to harm our self-esteem even more when we believe what we see to be accurate representations of reality and end up comparing ourselves to these representations.
I enjoy this article and I think a lot of people can surely benefit this. But there are a few things I’d like to ask.
If a person (ie: leader, instructor, coach) clearly is giving negative criticism, such as calling you names, telling you that you have no point in living which makes you question your entire existence, using harsh words (and lots of cursing, of course), all around just crushed your self-esteem, but at the end of the day this person insists that he/she is giving you contructive criticism, is that still considered as constructive criticism? Is the type of criticism decided by the giver or the receiver if the critiques?
I really enjoyed this article. Ever since we were kids, when we get bullied or picked on, our parents say “oh don’t pay attention to it” or “ignore them”. I like that there is finally a useful piece of information.
I like the way all of the answers are short and compact while still preserving the main idea.
I would like to add something to the list of things one should think about before making a constructive critic – never say the critic unless you can make at least two objective statements that support the critic. Often times, whatever it is that we want to say, is meant in a good manner but is still subjective, and personal observation are not always valid.
Furthermore, I encourage not always being “soft” towards yourself (as suggested in the final answer). I think that everyone should strive to make themselves strong individuals who won’t get hurt my immature or unimportant destructive critics.
All in all, great article!
Interview articles have to be my favorite ones to read, as they’re usually so clear and concise, and this was no exception. I also love how a link was given to the original article, as I’ve seen many that will just give titles and nothing else – this one gives you the option to expand your knowledge on the subject if you so wish to, without all the hassle of searching online and rummaging through libraries. As someone who’s always had a problem with criticisms, I really appreciate this article and it’s tips! Although I would’ve appreciated some examples of both constructive and destructive criticism – as I’ve seen some people try to give constructive criticism, but it comes off as rude and mean, although the points they make are still good. A more clear definition or meaning would’ve been nicer, but aside from that, this makes many good points and is wonderfully written!
What I particularly liked about this article was how clearly it was written. It’s evident the author spent a lot of time formulating the questions to ask Abrams to ensure that the readers could follow the conversation. I very much appreciate this because often times, I find interviews hard to follow.
I’d like to hear more about the research that was done on how social media affects our self-esteem and such, whether it be from Abrams or the author. That was the only portion of the article where I felt some information was needed.
Fantastic article! Would love to see more like this one in the future.
Hey Hana, thanks for the feedback. Here’s a link to Allison’s article on the effects of social media on our self-esteem if you want further information: https://www.google.ca/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/mental-health-and-the-effects-social-media%3famp#ampshare=https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/mental-health-and-the-effects-social-media
I’ve tried mindfulness as a way of coping with stress due to coursework load. I find it quite helpful in that regard. Can you elaborate on how it can be used to cope with criticism?
I’ve also found that treating myself better doesn’t necessarily make others treat me better, but allow me to care less about destructive criticism and keep the positive people in my life. This way I can be more focused on the healthier relationships in my life.
Would you characterize people looking at other people’s pages and comparing themselves as addictive behavior? Are there any papers you would recommend on this topic?
Hey i recommend checking Allison’s article on the effects of social media: https://www.google.ca/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/mental-health-and-the-effects-social-media%3famp#ampshare=https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/mental-health-and-the-effects-social-media
This article is good written, because it is explaind what descrutive criticism and constructive criticism are. Lot of people use criticism everyday, and it really is good way to get a feedback for your work and even for your relationships, but the problem is, that lots of people are using constructive criticism as explanation when they actually using a destructive. That is big problem, and author has a right when she said what the difference is, just sometime it is really hard to know the difference. Advices that are mentioned here are good, and they could help in most of the cases, but sometimes you just need to say something when it comes to criticism, and you just can’t always stay silente, because then everyone has a right to comment on your life choices. For example if someone really close to you is constantlly usim criticism when it comes to your life choices, then I think you should talk with that person, and explain how does that make you feel. I like the way author is considering social apps as one of reasons for low self esteem.
This was one of my favorite interviews I read so far.
I am one of those people who has low self-steem and always see constructive criticism like a bad thing, as in the person who said that was directly criticizing me or like there are always destructive criticism. Also, when I give my opinion, sometimes people didnt ask for it, so now I ‘ll try to contain myself, since I think people take bad whatever I say. Maybe is because my anxiety.
Everybody, to a greater or lesser degree, compare themself with others, even when they are only using social media for family and friends. You can see a friend’s picture and one moment you are happy and the other you are thinking why that doesnt happen to you. But I dont think is envy exactly.
And about how can someone decipher between constructive and destructive criticism, what if the problem is us and not the person who gave us a critic? I mean, what if we think is a personal attack, that is a bad intention behind a comment, but is just us and that wasnt the real intention? How can we know the reality in that case?
This article is so perfect. It’s very clear and easy to understand. I enjoyed reading it particularly because it is very relatable. Everyone receives criticism but less than often do we hear advice or methods to be more able to handle criticism and/or give criticism.
Also, I love the way the distinction between the two types of criticism were made. It’s so simple and easy to apply to life
I loved reading this article, and I greatly appreciated the research and professionalism you put into it. Your questions were so thorough, the graphics you used were charming, and your grammar held little to no issues. My only criticism would be that you may be better off by referring to an individual by their last name (this is merely a rule in hard news articles and not always applicable in every kind of article, but tends to be a more serious touch rather than the intimacy of using a first name). Otherwise, I adored the structure of the article despite it being in the question-and-answer format that I personally am not fond of, and you seemed to truly approach this article like it was a project on a website specializing in insights to psychology, rather than a cute little blog post on your own free time. Thank you for the fantastic read!
Hey Kayla, thanks for the feedback !
Of course! Thank you for an enlightening article!
First of all, the questions seemed very well-thought out and the topic itself is so important. I can admit that I can take criticism a little too personally sometimes, even if it is constructive. I get so anxiety about doing certain things and possibly being criticized that I will just avoid doing them. That being said, I wish mindfulness was elaborated a little more, but I’ll just have to do some more reading on it!
In reference to destructive criticism of appearance, I read a meme once which stated that if what you are about to comment on isn’t something which the person can fix immediately, such as food between the teeth or an ill fitting top, the name you should reserve comment.
As someone who’s generally sensitive to others, this bit of advice was common sense. However, I came to realize that this could also be said for self. Essentially, if I wouldn’t say it to someone then I have no business being so harshly critical of myself.
I love that Dr. Abrams mentions the importance of self-love and the effect it has on how others relate to us. I gather from this bit of advice that when we love ourselves we are more likely to establish and adhere to personal boundaries. We aren’t willing to self-sacrifice/compromise for the sake of being liked. It’s important to have a strong sense of self, which is something I’ve been working on since becoming a little unhinged with my mental health diagnosis.
Lastly, if Dr. Abrams’ closing statement wasn’t convincing enough, then reading these comments certainly do reflect the fact that none of us are alone in this struggle for self-worth.
This was an article that I related to because I am someone that doesn’t have the highest self-esteem. I find myself to be slightly sensitive and hurt by criticism. I feel like I, as do many others, see criticism as mostly destructive and not constructive. It is hard for me to think someone is calling me out for something without having bad intentions which makes me feel like I am doing something wrong and makes me question myself. I did not really think of there being a difference between the two types of criticism and with the clarification of these definitions, it could help me in the future. I feel like another issue that many people have has to do with their pride and ego. Criticism could just make people irritated or mad, even if they have proper self-worth because some do not think others have the right to say that they are wrong about what they are doing in their life. It would be interesting to see if there are solutions for people with more of an issue because of their pride. I feel like one of the suggestions that was mentioned can be used by just ignoring and refusing to partake in the negative energy. It is nice to see that I am not the only one with issues about criticism and I hope that we can all become people that can see criticism as constructive and see it as a way of bettering ourselves rather than as a negative thing. Criticism has always had a negative connotation, but if it was restructured as a neutral term, people could deal with it better.
Ms. Abrams gives great practical advice that anyone can easily understand. Of course, it’s always easier said than done. I appreciate her emphasis on self love.
The article serves a good introduction to the basics of receiving/providing criticism. My only critique is that I feel like the last two questions are similar just worded differently. Also, as a suggestion you should define “destructive” and “constructive” criticism in the introduction or towards the beginning of the interview, nonetheless, good read! Thank you for sharing this with us.
The author conducted a wonderful interview with a wide range of questions. In strong concise writing, the interview covers a wide range for the subject of criticism, from how to deal with it -how to not be critical – low self esteem as a result of criticism. The subject and application in the answers have practical application for positive results.
Would separating the person and the thing being judged help from accidentally upsetting anyone? For example, if you were revising someone’s paper, saying “there were some grammar errors in the paper,” instead of “You made some grammar errors in your paper.”
It seems to help me to remember that it’s a drawing or a story that’s being judged, and not my character or intelligence.
This article got me thinking about my own reactions to criticism, as well as how I can give better constructive criticism to others. One question that I have after reading this interview is how does one go about dealing with the negative thoughts that come from destructive criticism, beyond the initial act of not reacting to it? The questions were very well-written and to the point, well done!
For someone who reacts strongly to criticisim, this article was extremely helpful. It is not easy to not react to negative comments, there should have been things mentioned for reacting gracefully to destructive comments; though you have provided the link for further studies. A peak into the ways a person can react positively at the moment could have been a plus.
Other than that this is a really well-written article.
From the beginning of the article, I am impressed by how the author immediately gets to the point of the article by introducing the issue of self-worth, how important it is (affects us all), and how they would like to address it (interview with a credible social worker).
The questions that the author asks in the interview are very relevant, applicable, and thoughtful. However, I think the order of the questions should be revised. For example, the question of “how can someone decipher between constructive and/or destructive criticism?” should come first in the line of questions, in order to make that distinction clear for readers from the start. It would also give clarity as to how criticism is linked to self-worth. Finally, I think a simple and concise conclusion to the article would be nice to summarize the importance of self-worth and how the social worker provided some good take-aways and advice to coping with the potential issue of poor self-worth. Overall, this article is very informative and beneficial for someone who does indeed suffer from a lack of or poor self-worth.
Thank you for this article. I too take criticism to the heart so this article was helpful for me. Questions and response were structured well and straight to the point.
First of all, a very interesting topic.
I am now a 3rd bachelor student in Psychology and honestly, I’ve always found it hard to handle criticism, either constructive or destructive. I kind of have the need to perform and be a perfectionist. Also, I have an internal locus of control, which means that when certain things happen, I attribute it to myself, to my own ‘fault’ or choice. When significant others or professors give me criticism, I always take it too personally. That’s probably just a personal thing. So it really depends on the personal characteristics of a person, how they handle a certain situation. It’s always good to give tips how to handle criticism! It might be helpful.