Highly Trained Professionals Chime In With Their Insights Yielded From Scientific Studies of Compatibility and Chemistry

Compatibility and chemistry have easily molded into becoming interchangeable in the realm of every form of relationship: friendships, professional relationships and romantic love. Society’s definition for them have become nearly intuitive that they’re nearly indistinguishable from one another or, often times, greatly misunderstood.

Can you classify the difference between story #1 and story #2?

Short Story #1:”We’re twins, except we operate under different plumbing. I’m just the white male version of you and you’re the Asian version of me,” said by a man I was formerly hanging out with. Handsome, tall, clean-cut, successful business man who had hopes of getting into law school and altogether one in which conversation between us came easy because we shared almost identical mentalities. But…I questioned him one day: “Do you think we have romantic chemistry?” and his answer? “I like you, there’s no doubt about that. But it’s not a deep connection.” I couldn’t agree more. I adore him to death now as a friend however, the “we need to see one another” impulsive feeling wasn’t present.

Short Story #2: My adorably sassy, incredibly devoted and “cheer sisters for life” friend, Jenny, and I share remarkable natural chemistry. We met in high school on the cheerleading team and went through our fair share of great memories: me undergoing shoulder surgery due to a cheer stunt gone wrong while she was my flyer, us both taking leadership roles in raising money for the Make-A-Wish Foundation and (pic above) our nerdy selves deciding to venture out of our comfort zones and spending New Year’s Eve together at a rave (my first one!).

Story #1 is compatibility, while story #2 is chemistry.

Compatibility is a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict. To this day, when I speak to the man in story #1, I (almost) always whole-heartedly agree with his train of thought and actions. According to markmanson.net: “High compatibility between people comes from similarities in their lifestyles and values. Educated and liberal people usually date other educated and liberal people. Hedonists usually date other hedonists. Insane religious nuts usually date other insane religious nuts.”

Landing a complete 180 twist: chemistry is that undoubtedly vivid and endearing connection with another being. It’s nearly indescribable…it just feels naturally, sincerely and amazingly right. One is easily aware when chemistry is present in the air. Manson further explains in a romantic light: “When you have a high degree of chemistry with someone…you’ll walk through life constantly wondering, “What would he/she think about X?” where X is a song, a bird, a walk through the park, a traffic jam, or a tenuous visit to the dentist. Call it passion. Call it love. Call it sickness. The basic traits of your/their personality and your/their slightest behaviors ravage each others’ dopamine receptors in a neurological orgy of starry-eyed dreaminess.”

Take a great and extensive look at a few of the professional relationships, friendships and romantic relationships you have in your life right now. Would you classify having more capability or chemistry? Which one would yield more happiness for you (can’t say both)?

Let’s touch base on compatibility more extensively now and in a future article, i’ll touch further base on chemistry. Two writers of psychologytoday.com interviewed numerous of social scientists and here’s what has been gathered:

“Compatibility is overrated. The similarities or personality traits that attract people to each other may not hold up over time. You might be attracted to someone because you both love to ski, but then one of you blows out a knee. When people are divorcing, they’ll say, “We have nothing in common.” But they have kids, a house and 30 years of shared experience. [If you have problems thinking similarly about money and raising children, then that’s a huge problem. But nearly everything else that isn’t “agreeable” can be worked around and people tend to make things more difficult than they should be]”,—William J. Doherty, professor and marriage and family therapy program director, University of Minnesota”

Ted Huston, psychology professor at U of T and one who runs a longitudal study of married couples, shares: “[Being sensitive about compatibility is a troubling sign. My research shows that there’s no difference in the objective level of compatible between couples who are unhappy and those who are happy. The unhappy ones are the ones so fixated on why they aren’t compatible and don’t get along.” He further explains that individuals tend to overemphasize the effect of personality or values when, often times, it’s ideal to simply approach relationships/friendships with a less demanding, and more easygoing/accepting, attitude.

What would John Gottman, founder-director of the Relationship Research Institute, say to a matchmaker? “Damn little. [Compabiltiy test and m]easures of personality don’t predict anything, but how people interact does. Couples need to feel they are building something together that has meaning. How does a relationship support what you see as a mission in life? This is the existential part. You must also connect emotionally. How much do you respond to each other’s bids for attention? Does your partner turn toward you with equal enthusiasm? You need to ask questions and constantly update your knowledge of one another. And you need the ability to hear your partner’s delight and take it in.”

These three highly experienced psychologists note the same thing: compatibility isn’t the main factor, but rather 1)how much the couple handles the conflicts/differences, 2) everyone would greatly benefit from possessing a more easygoing attitude 3) just how demanding are you?

However, the founder of eharmoney.com and a divorce lawyer state otherwise:

“The biggest reason people get divorced is they grow apart. I don’t see many marriages that can be saved, and I don’t know that it’s possible to save marriages. Counseling doesn’t work; by the time couples get to the lawyer, their positions are very hardened. —Raoul Felder, divorce lawyer who has presided over the dissolution of some 8,000 marriages

A couple needs to be within one standard deviation of each other in intelligence (10 points in either direction). —Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com and creator of a questionnaire that attempts to match couples”

What are your thoughts?

Xoxo,

Chrissy

Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships. (2010, December 17). Retrieved January 18, 2015, from http://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry

The Truth About Compatibility. (n.d.). Retrieved January 18, 2015, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200411/the-truth-about-compatibility

Compatible. (n.d.). Retrieved January 18, 2015, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/compatibility

Romantic chemistry, explained. (n.d.). Retrieved January 18, 2015, from http://datingadvice.chemistry.com/art-science-of-dating/romantic-chemistry,-explained/