Have you recently been through a breakup? Do you find yourself thinking about your ex a little too often? Or maybe you know you simply haven’t gotten over them. You know the relationship has come to an end, getting back together doesn’t seem possible, time has passed, yet here you are. Why can’t you get over them? There are many reasons why someone may not be able to get over their ex, here are just a few. Here are five reasons why you still can’t get over someone.
1. You Associated All Your Feelings of Love with Your Partner
How do you experience love? Sometimes, we can be so caught up in our feelings for our partner, that we lose focus on ourselves. We put all the weight on our partner. “They are so perfect!” “They make me feel this way!” Soon, many can be caught up in the false idea that only they can make them feel that way. Many can begin to associate feelings of love – and receiving love – only with them. When really, a loving relationship is a dual effort! It’s both of you that created those fond memories together. We may tend to associate all loving feelings with only them, when we can also associate love with ourselves – self-love. Your previous partner shouldn’t be the only focus of these feelings. It’s time to value ourselves as well. As David Braucher, Ph.D. states in Psychology Today: “when we attribute our love for our ex to something intrinsic about them to the exclusion of crediting our own ability to love, we overvalue them and undervalue ourselves. When we are more grounded, we can appreciate both—our partner and our ability to love them.”
TWO: Not Enough Time Has Passed
Have you ever heard the saying: “Time heals all wounds?” Well, how long do you have to wait?! Perhaps it seems like you’ll never get over your ex, they’re all you think about! But a simple reason as to why you haven’t got over your ex-partner? Maybe not enough time has passed. This can be especially true if you were in a long-term, serious relationship. Let some time get between you two, allow yourself to think your previous relationship through. Sooner or later, you may find the thoughts of them dwindling down. If it’s been a long time and you’re still hung up on them? Maybe it’s another reason.
THREE: You’re Only Paying Attention to the Positive Memories
Have you ever heard of euphoric recall? I didn’t either until human behavior expert Patrick Wanis, Ph.D. explained it. Euphoric recall is when one recalls only the positive aspects of certain memories or people, while losing track of the negatives. “Although it is referred to as ‘recall,’ it is actually an immediate reliving and re-experiencing of the positive aspects, the pleasure of the past event or person,” Wanis explained in MindBodyGreen. According to Wanis, euphoric recall is directly associated with the reward centers in our brains. This same euphoric recall and sensation happens in addiction. So maybe now you’re thinking they were simply ‘perfect’ now that they’re out of your life. Perhaps you need to recognize that you’re only remembering the positives, while ignoring the reasons for your breakup.
FOUR: You Haven’t Grieved
Do you ignore and suppress any painful feelings of your ex? Perhaps the breakup has taken a toll on you, but you can’t even begin to think of grieving. Instead, you move aside these feelings and attempt to simply ‘move on’. But with any big loss, there needs to come a time to grieve. The longer we ignore these feelings and avoid our grief, the longer it will take to heal and actually move on. If you haven’t grieved, it might be a good idea to take some time and think through these hidden feelings, or talk to someone you trust about them.
FIVE: You Haven’t Gotten Closure
Find yourself running scenarios on ‘what could have been’? Have you gotten closure on your relationship? Maybe you didn’t end things like you would have wanted to, or maybe you ignored the urge to say your final goodbye to the relationship when there was room and openness for both of you to say one. Not every relationship needs closure, but in some, both parties welcome it. Did you close the door on this relationship? Or did you leave it open? Perhaps it might be a good time to close it. Sometimes, taking a good moment to think through the relationship and the feelings associated with it by yourself could be a form of closure. The type you need to move on.
So, do you think you know why you can’t get over your ex? Feel free to share with us in the comments below.
Written by Michal Mitchell
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- Braucher, D. (2019, September 28). Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex? Part 1. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-smarts/201909/why-can-t-i-get-over-my-ex-part-1.
- Berbari , G., & Beurkens, N. (2020, March 27). Can’t Move On From Your Ex? 8 Reasons It Might Be Taking Forever. mindbodygreen. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/expert-reasons-why-moving-on-from-an-ex-can-take-so-long-or-feel-impossible.
- E.B. Johnson, N. L. P.-M. P. (2019, October 31). Can’t get over your ex? This is why. Medium. https://medium.com/lady-vivra/getting-over-your-ex-856780df9eb0.
- Vamos, J. (2018, April 30). Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex? 10 Reasons Why You’re Still Hung Up – PairedLife – Relationships. PairedLife. https://pairedlife.com/breakups/Why-Cant-I-Get-Over-My-Ex-7-Reasons-You-Might-Still-Be-Hung-Up-on-Your-Ex-Partner.