5 Signs You Want To Be Single But Your Heart Doesn’t

If you clicked this video, then you’ve probably been struggling to decide whether or not you should be single. When your heart wants one thing and your brain wants another, you might be wondering how to know which one to listen to and how to look inside yourself to figure out what it is you really want. 

Being single can be tough, but sometimes, we may choose to be single just to avoid the pain of rejection and abandonment. That’s why it’s important that we’re sure we’re doing the right thing for the right reasons before we hurt someone, be it ourselves or our potential partners. With that said, here are 6 tell-tale signs that even though you might think you want to be single, your heart doesn’t:

Conflicting Emotions

According to psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo, if you have conflicting emotions about anything, then it’s probably because you’re afraid to be honest with yourself about what it is you really want, and you’re trying to rationalize your way out of it. In this situation, you may find yourself torn between the desire to be single, and the desire for emotional attachment. In your heart, you may be craving love and affection, but your mind keeps coming up with reasons why you’re better off alone for now (e.g., relationships are too complicated, your last one ended badly, etc). 

Craving Independence

So, you think being single is the better choice for you because it allows you more freedom and independence? Well, despite whatever you may have told yourself, you can be in a relationship and still have your independence. In fact, psychologists even consider it a hallmark of a healthy and loving relationship! According to Dr. Roxy Zarrabi, a heightened need for independence may manifest as a tendency to fixate on potential partner’s flaws or claim that “something is missing.” But this is actually just a maladaptive coping mechanism meant to keep people at an emotional distance.

Emotional Exhaustion

Another reason you may be struggling with being single is if you view relationships as more emotionally draining than fulfilling, says therapist Dr. Suzanne Lachmann. Maybe it comes from past experience, or observing the failed relationships of those around you (e.g, your divorced parents, your friend and their toxic ex). Either way, it’s wrong to overgeneralize these experiences. It’s perfectly fine to need time to recharge in between relationships and just focus on ourselves for a change. In fact, it’s a good thing! What’s not a good thing, however, is if we’re using this to disguise the emotional baggage we have about relationships and keep us from working through them. 

Lack of Personal Fulfillment

Similar to our last point, you may have convinced yourself that you should be single because your past relationships haven’t brought you any personal fulfillment. But the truth is, this may have more to do with you than your relationships. Because according to relationship coach Brad Browning, you can be in a loving, flourishing romantic relationship and still feel discontented. You may mistakenly believe that personal growth is something you can only attain on your own, but having someone who loves and supports you can make a world of difference because they can inspire you to be a better version of yourself.

Desire for Exploration

Last but certainly not the least, you may want to be single because you want to focus more on having new experiences, meeting new people, and broadening your horizons. You may be wondering if being in a relationship is going to hinder your ability to explore more and fully embrace any new opportunities. That’s a fair point, and you’re not wrong for thinking that. But while it’s good to be honest about what we want and be considerate with potential partners about how much we can realistically commit to our relationships, know that these two aren’t mutually exclusive. 

According to Dr. Lachmann, sometimes we may convince ourselves that we need a drastic change in our lives when we’re feeling lost or unbalanced. That’s why some people move to a new city, quit their jobs, or end their long-term relationships. But until we get to the heart of why we’re really unhappy, these will just be temporary solutions to a much deeper problem. Do you feel like you’re out of touch with yourself or losing your sense of identity? Do you lack direction and purpose in your life? Remember, it is essential to communicate openly and honestly with both yourself and your potential partners about your feelings and desires. 

So, what are your thoughts on this video? What are some ways you might be struggling with whether or not you should be single? And what do you think may be the reasons behind it? Let us know in the comments down below, and remember Psych2Goers: you matter!

References:

• Browning, B. (2023, May 16). 6 Signs You’re Single (But Not At All Ready To Mingle). Your Tango. https://www.yourtango.com/love/signs-youre-single-not-ready-mingle
• DePaulo, B. (2022, Sep 6). Emotional Inequality in Single Life. Psychology Today.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-single/202209/emotional-inequality-in-single-life
• Lachmann, S. (2013 Sep 12). 8 Reasons You’re Still Single When You Don’t Want to Be. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201309/8-reasons-you-re-still-single-when-you-dont-want-be
• Zarrabi, R. (2023, Mar 31). How the Fear of Losing Independence Impacts Relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mindful-dating/202303/how-the-fear-of-losing-independence-impacts-relationships