Hey, Psych2Goers! Let’s talk about attraction. What immediately comes to mind when you hear the word? Is it a job that someone has? A favourite celebrity of yours? Or do you think of yourself? How you may or may not be attractive to those around you?
Attraction is something that’s different for everyone. You may be attracted to someone’s outward physical appearance. Maybe it’s who they are underneath. You might be attracted to both. You know attraction when you feel it. You also know it, the moment it’s gone.
Here are ‘7 Mistakes That KILL Attraction’.
This post is for educational purposes and is based on personal opinions. This post is not a substitute for professional advice, but general guidance. We advise you to always listen to your intuition and always do what is right for you.
#1. Too Much Focus On The Negative
You are your own worst critic. It’s very easy to pick apart your own flaws. But imagine prefacing every single first date you’re on, with your biggest personal flaw. Reinforcing your own self-doubt will most likely not go over well with people that are attracted to you. Being a humble person can also be viewed as attractive. Although, if taken too deeply, this can be viewed as equally irritating.
As they say, “You can’t expect anyone to love you, if you don’t first love yourself.” If someone is attracted to you, and you self-sabotage with constant negativity, they may get frustrated because they like you for you. Your date will likely hyper-focus on that key negative mic drop, and ignore all of your other cleverly prepared follow-up jokes and witticisms.
#2. Poking Fun At Each Other All The Time
Speaking of jokes and witticisms, having a sense of humour is super helpful with attraction. People are more likely to spend time around those that they find humorous. Having the ability to poke fun at yourself can be super helpful. Self-seriousness can be tiresome to deal with. We all embarrass ourselves from time to time. Joking and ribbing with a person you’re dating can be in good fun. It will likely come with the territory.
But everyone has a breaking point. If all you ever hear from your partner are jokes at your own expense, that can certainly gnaw away at your self-confidence. Is the joke playful or downright mean-spirited? The meaner the joke, the more comfortable the person probably is while making it. That doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it though. This can be an immediate turn-off.
#3. Being Obsessed with Your Phone
Are you reading this post on your phone right now? You very well might be. We all check our phones multiple times a day. Some check them more often than others. If people look at their phones on a consistent basis, that can be an immediate turnoff. Especially if the other person is trying to have a conversation. In person. In real life. Scary, right?
It can be quite frustrating trying to talk with someone who can’t maintain eye contact. It’s natural for us to be looking at our phones. Our attention spans can become shorter and shorter over time. If someone’s talking to you, but you’re always checking your phone, you may be listening to them, but they won’t know that for certain. To them, it can feel like your attention is divided. Even if you assure them it’s not. People are attracted to those that give them more than just the time of day.
#4. Spending Too Much Time Together
The start of a relationship is often the most exciting part. You’re still hopefully discovering new things about each other. As the attraction builds, you’re more likely to spend increasing amounts of time together. You may have a really fun story that you really want to tell them, as soon as possible. So much so, that you can’t wait until you see that special someone next, to tell them that very story. Attraction needs breathing room though.
Part of attraction is spending time apart. Seems backwards, right? If you can maintain your own individual lives, the anticipation that builds will maintain the attraction. The more time you spend with someone, the less anticipation is there. If there’s no anticipation, then there’s no excitement. If you’re no longer excited to see that person, your attraction can plummet into the dirt.
Instead of “It’s so great to see you again!”, your brain might think instead: “Oh, you’re here now.”
#5. They’re Too Busy
They might be busy a lot of the time though. Maybe being busy is something that attracted you to them in the first place. But there’s a big difference between being busy, and being seemingly incapable of accommodating you. Ever.
Did you try putting in a real genuine effort to spend time with them? The other person might have promised that when things calmed down for them, they would make more time for you. Yep, they made a promise. Did they break that promise? Someone’s word can mean everything. If they’re “too busy”, you can be made to feel entirely insignificant. You deserve better than that.
#6. Talking Often About Other Attractive People
You shouldn’t feel guilty about being attracted to others. Chances are, you’ll see people that you’re attracted to all day long. If you’re with someone who doesn’t mind talking about other attractive people, that can help maintain your bond. Being comfortable in one’s own skin is key. Talking about attractive movie stars can often be a comfortable way to do this, because they’re often considered as “otherwise unobtainable”.
We all have our “lists”. Yep, those lists. But like the constant jokes at your own expense, if other attractive people are always pointed out to you by your partner, that may make you feel worthless. You may feel totally unattractive. You may question if the person you’re with, even finds you attractive at all.
#7. Sex Not Being A Safe & Experimental Space
The more you have sex with someone, the more you learn about them. Their likes, dislikes, fetishes, etc… Being physically attracted to someone in many cases is how sex can start in the first place. Physical attraction is often intense and immediate. Emotional attraction is something that grows over time.
Are you having sex with someone on a consistent basis? Are you happy with the sex? Disappointed? Or just glad you’re having sex, period? If the sex started out great at the beginning, it may become dull and monotonous as time goes on. Trying different things and experimenting can keep it fun and engaging. Variety is the spice of life in the bedroom. Provided everything is consensual. You may lose attraction to your partner if you want to experiment and they don’t. Or vice-versa.
Attraction is a powerful thing. It can be used for both good and for bad. How much of this list felt accurate to you? Were you nodding your head in agreement? Let us know in the comments below what you most responded to. Was anything missing, that you felt should have been added? What’s your own biggest turnoff from attraction?
Please like and share this post with anyone you feel could really relate to this!
Until next time!
‘Why Did He Stop Chasing You?’ by Matthew Hussey (April 17th, 2022) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzyOXu0Wp18
’11 Unexpected Things You Didn’t Realize Were Affecting Attraction in Your Relationship’ by Carolyn Steber (December 11th, 2017) https://www.bustle.com/p/11-unexpected-things-you-didnt-realize-were-affecting-attraction-in-your-relationship-7428641