Hey, Psych2Goers! Is it difficult for you to make friends or even get a second date? Do you always feel like no one likes you? According to science, you actually may be right! There are certain qualities and habits that we, as human beings, do not like in the people we keep close. So, how do you know if you’re doing those things? That’s what we’re here for, friend! Let’s take a look at some reasons why people may not always like you, according to science!
Side note: If you can relate to any of these qualities, please do not take this feedback as an attack on your character. This article was meant to be a self-improvement guide for those of you who have been feeling a little stuck.
Reason #1: You take more than you give.
Have you ever heard the phrase “Relationships are 50/50,”? Personally, I don’t like it. I believe relationships are 100/100. If you’re ever giving anything 50% effort, you probably don’t care about it that much. However, if you look at it as each person gets 50% of what they want, you get a really healthy compromise between both parties. Karen Ikkink and Theo van Tilburg did a study in 1999 on this balance in relationships. They found that if there is an imbalance in a relationship, there is more of a chance that it will not last. On top of that the less close you are with a person, the more likely they are to discontinue your friendship.
This may be a reason why your circle isn’t as big as you’d like it to be. If you take more than you give in support, food, money, rides, advice, or really anything, this may be turning off potential friendships which makes it difficult for long-lasting relationships to blossom.
Reason #2: You have poor quality of life.
Part of being someone’s friend is being there to support them, even when times are pretty tough. HOWEVER, it can be pretty rough if someone feels like all the do is support their friend, give them pep talks, or brainstorm solutions to this week’s new problem. When you look at your life, is it giving “I Got This” or “Hot Mess Express” vibes?
1997, Hartup and Stevens found having friends is positively correlated with having a high quality of life. If you hate your job, hate your relationship status, hate where you live, hate that you’re lonely, and so on and so on, this could be a reason why you feel people don’t always like you.
Reason #3: You don’t agree on ANYTHING!
Have you ever had a friend that is almost your twin? It gets a little weird sometimes, but it can also be pretty boring. The same also goes for the opposite end of the spectrum. It can be pretty frustrating and draining to have to constantly defend yourself and your opinions. Imagine this. You’re dating someone, and you don’t like the same music, TV shows, movies, or food. What do you do for fun? What do you watch while eating dinner? What do you even cook? It’s frustrating. This can be a reason why people may distance themselves from you and seem like they may not like you.
Reason #4: You either don’t have or don’t make time to socialize.
Whenever you’re learning how to do something new, perfect practice makes perfect. The more time you put into it and the more focus, usually the better you get at that skill. Relationships and friendships are kind of the same. The more time and effort you put into it (getting to know the person, asking to hang out, celebrating their achievements/birthdays, etc.), the better the friendship usually comes out. If you don’t put that time and effort it, chances are you may not have many friends since those friendships were never cultivated.
Reason #5: You’re trying wayyyy too hard.
Whenever you meet someone that you’d like to be friends with, do you get nervous? Do you put pressure on yourself? Does it make you act a little weird? Do you even say that you like things you don’t like just to impress them? This inauthentic version of you can set off people’s internal lie detector and make them not want to be around you. When you’re true to yourself, people get to really know you. When they want to hang around you, you truly know they like you for you, not for any other reasons.
Reason #6: You’re not working on yourself.
Mental health is important, and it’s important that we all take accountability for the work we need to do. One thing we cannot do is expect the addition of friends, family, or a significant other to fix our personal struggles or areas of improvement. We need to take responsibility for our wellness, that way we are not making our loved ones responsible for making us well, happy, loved, etc. Dr. Kathy McCoy, Ph.D. states that this can be one of the biggest reasons of why we lose our friendships. When we struggle with anything internally, whether it be a mental health diagnosis or a fear, it can cause us to have toxic behavior. Once or twice, our friends may tolerate it, but over time, they may decide it’s not healthy to continue to be around.
Did you recognize any of these signs as things you do? Did you end a friendship for any of these reasons? Are there any other reasons why it may seem that people don’t like you that we didn’t mention? Let us know in the comments below! As always, keep an eye on Psi for more Psych2Go content!
Let’s be honest… making friends is difficult! Here are 6 Reasons Why Making Friends is Hard!
The references used in and to compose this article are listed below:
Cuncic, A., & Goldman, R. (2021, October 8). ‘I have no friends’: Here’s what to do. Verywell Mind. Retrieved May 17, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/i-have-no-friends-what-to-do-5200867
Hartup, W. W., & Stevens, N. (1997). Friendships and adaptation in the life course. Psychological Bulletin, 121(3), 355–370. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.3.355
Klein Ikkink, K., & van Tilburg, T. (1999). Broken ties: Reciprocity and other factors affecting the termination of older adults’ relationships. Social Networks, 21(2), 131–146. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0378-8733(99)00005-2
McCoy, K. (2021, March 30). 4 Reasons for Lost Friendships. Psychology Today. Retrieved May 17, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/complicated-love/202103/4-reasons-lost-friendships
Morin, D. A., & Sanders, V. (2022, April 27). Have no friends? reasons why and 8 common mistakes. SocialSelf. Retrieved May 17, 2022, from https://socialself.com/blog/no-friends/