I lost all my friends because of my depression

“You are not the same person I thought I knew.  You’ve changed. Let’s end this,” he hurled these painful words to me one day. 

The words felt like the deadliest weapon, that grounded me to the finest dust. My 3-year-old relationship fell apart. The love that I  have with my boyfriend turned into ashes. I felt a heartbreak of the greatest magnitude.

“He should be more understanding…why can’t he try harder to make our relationship work?” there was a rush of immense sadness, an entire ocean bled through my eyes. 

Then a wave of anger came. 

“That jerk! He should be more understanding?!” 

For me, crying had always been a healthy release, but now, it became a habit. I sought therapy, but it was not enough. I turned to my closest friends for comfort, probably too much. Day by day, I was imprisoned in the darkest corner of my mind. My daily routine consisted of lying on the bed the whole day and endless scrolling of social media. But every time I saw those photos of my friends with their significant other, I find myself crying again. I find myself changed. Instead of being happy for them like I once were, I felt envious. 

“Maybe I did indeed change. Maybe it’s true that it’s my fault our relationship ended.” 

Then came the wave of guilt. 

I cleared all my friends from my social media. I removed myself from my closest friends’ group chat. The envy that built up inside of me made me feel unworthy of my friends’ love. I felt I am a burden. 

My closest friends reached out. But I turned them down one by one. I even lashed out at one of them, when she said, “You are not trying hard enough not to be depressed. You’re just draining the life out of our friend group. Just snap out of it!” 

Then the wave of sadness came again. 

I find myself being stuck in a vicious loop of sadness, anger, guilt, and feeling unworthy of love. I isolated myself from the world.  It felt like all my closest friends distanced themselves from me. I thought, maybe it’s true I am a burden to others.  I’m that person who hogs for attention, who needs everyone to focus on me. Like I’m the egomaniac. Like I’m a lost cause. Everyone left me because I have changed. 

Then my therapist told me one day, “The constant fact in life is change.” That phrase stirred up something inside of me. Maybe this is the turning point of my life. Perhaps this lowest point of my life can be the stepping stone to change. A change for the better.  

Depression puts you through a dark and lonely journey. To those who have lost all their emotional support, to those who are still battling depression, to those who feel like life is meaningless, I want you to know that you’re not alone and you deserved to be loved and cherished. You are not a burden. You are not a mistake. You are important. 

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