I don’t remember when i started watching psych2go videos on youtube, but i know when i first started i couldn’t stop. I found answers for questions i had, found explanations for actions i’ve noticed, etc.
First off, i am not writing this for people to pity me. I am not writing this for attention. I just need to voice this before i can’t put things away in the box. Currently it is 4 am, and I can’t sleep. In 2 hours i need to get up and go to work, but as sleep eludes me i might as well spend the time productively. The story will jump from place to place, as i remember it. I apologize in advance. Any pieces written in italics are my thoughts about a situation or direct words about it.
Doctor’s know best
The first time my mom had an epileptic fit i was 4 years old. She was in front of the stove, making stew or apricot jam or something, and then she was on the floor, body shaking and convulsing. My sister immediately fetched a pillow, and put it under her head, and called my dad. I just stood there, frozen. I had no idea what was going on, but this was the first of many fits she would have. The first that i remember. My mom, her name was Charlotte, had depression as a child, and had to take medication for this, and when my parents married my dad didn’t know about this, but this happened around 2003/4.
A time after that my sister was not at home, a wednesday, and for me this was good. I could watch wrestling in peace. WWE Smackdown. But about halfway through my dad yelled in their room, and I went to see what was going on. Again she was having a fit, but this one was bad. She was unconscious and he called the doctor. The doctor came and helped her, and he took my dad into my room and they talked. I still remember they argued about something, and then the doctor left.
My mom had medication for the epileptic fits, but my dad thought she wasn’t taking them, as she was having fits, but the doctor told him that she was actually abusing the medication, taking too much. At this point my dad refused to believe this. You know, who the hell does this doctor think he is?? After a while though my dad had no choice but to accept it. And he payed for her to go to rehabilitation to get off the medication. More than once. She never kicked it though.
Skip to 28 February 2008. We moved to Worcester in the Western Cape. My first day at the new school i was in fear. There were so many kids. I moved from a small town where everyone knows everyone. The school only had 64 kids from grade 1 to 7. Then in the new school we had around 1000 kids. I was scared about bullies, about more difficult work, and at this time it was normal for my parents to have screaming matched every night. Me and my sister lived in constant fear at home.
All this added up and on my first day in class i burst out in tears. And the second day. And the third. On the fourth i was better though. But those three times were enough. I was bullied, verbally and physically on a daily basis. With the shit going down at home and then at school I didn’t have a safe place. I had a terrible self image, and no self confidence. I confided myself in food. Sweets, chips, everything.
At this point my day would work like this. My dad would wake me up and i would put on my school clothes, go and brush my teeth, comb hair and eat something. Then school and back. My mom would either be asleep or on a trip, so i’d make myself something to eat, and then go do my homework or play computer games. Then when my dad gets home he would drink coffee and check what state my mother is in, and either make supper or sit in front of the television. Then after supper they would fight. In 2009 we moved to a different part of the town, and it started good. The house was better, and the overall morale in the house as well, but it didn’t last.
I discovered rock or more alternative music. Nickelback – Dark Horse was the first album i bought. I loved it. The guitar and drums, just the fact that the music wasn’t about everything being perfect, as most mainstream music was, just felt better to listen to. Then at a point i also discovered Rammstein and Linkin Park, and my parents disliked it a lot, but the music i listened to, the screaming drowned out their screaming, and it made me feel better, the words just hit home. Around grade 8 I started listening to more heavy artists like Suicide Silence, Asking Alexandria, Avenged Sevenfold, etc. The more things got bad, the more I listened to music.
Divorce & Accident, Start of high school
On the 5th of May 2012 my dad’s sister and her husband, their 2 children and a friend of the one were in a car accident. My uncle and one cousin and his friend died in the car crash. My aunt lost her elbow and had to have an operation to replace it. The other cousin walked away from the crash with a few pieces of glass in his arm.
The following wednesday my dad fetched me from school, which was weird as he worked outside of town. When we got home he asked about my day, and then made lunch and then he said he decided he is tired of him and my mom being unhappy together, and with the death in the family showing how life can change he also wants to be happy, and he asked me if i would have a problem with it if he and mom would have a divorce. I didn’t know what to say, but i thought if he wants this then he really needs it. So i said if that’s what he needs to be happy, just do it.
After the funeral we *left my mom at her mother. About 850km away from us. Or 528 miles for you imperial fools. Then high school started. I went to the same school as my sisterm and everywhere i went I was in her shadow. Always known as Carla’s little brother. Whatever I did, she heard of it. The first group of friends i made wasn’t the best. But i met one person, Warno, and he changed my life a bit. He was there when i needed to talk, but at the same time he was bad.
Warno was a manipulative narcissist. While he was smart, he never thought that the people around him can also have more than 2 brain cells. My sister hated him. He was an atheist, but she was convinced he was from Satan himself. The situation at home changed. My sister was in matric, but she had also taken over my mother’s roles at home. Cooking, washing clothes, etc. This mixed in with her schoolwork at a point and i think this brought her marks down a bit, which made my dad very unhappy, causing them to fight, which again caused screaming matches on a daily basis.
*Fuck this sounds bad. They decided until she’s back on her feet she would live with her mother.
On the last day of grade 8 I wrote Mathematics. After that it was holiday! I got my computer at home and our group of friends went to Daniel’s house and we played games till the evening. My dad fetched me around 6pm the evening. I didn’t know what, but there was something different about his face. My sister’s eyes were puffy and red, she had cried recently. When we got home my dad took me to his room and told me to sit. A police officer had called him earlier the day and told him that my mother had died. Her kidneys had given in from years of pill abuse, and her body shut down.
I had a mix of emotions at that point. Two nights earlier she called and talked to my sister and I. She was on a trip(high). I had told her a few times that i don’t want to speak to her when she is like this, but when my sister handed me the phone and i heard her slur her words i stopped her and I said words to her that i will never forget. I told her that i hated her as a mother. That she was never there for me. I hated her for choosing her pills over me and my sister. I hated her for wasting my dad’s money in rehab to just start again when she’s out. I told her i don’t want to speak to her for a while. Until i wasn’t angry at her. And then two days later she died.
I lie awake each night thinking of this. I was, and am still in a sense, angry at God. Why did this happen to us? And while it’s happening, everyone else in my class are just going on with their lives. They are happy and their biggest worry is if that boy or girl likes them. I started to cut myself. Smoking, at times drinking. I just wanted something that i could control.
Skip to 4 months later. My grandmother on my mother’s side was diagnosed with cancer. Then a week later doctors declare her clean of the cancer. And another week later she died. I was doing tug-of-war and we had our championships coming up. I chose not to attend the funeral as my team needed me, but if I could go back I would rather have gone to the funeral. It’s also something i feel guilty about.
During my grade 10 year i was in a bad place. I cut myself on a regular basis, i smoked, i was never positive and I couldn’t care less about my schoolwork. I rarely smiled and one teacher noticed it. My science marks were horrible, and that teacher also had me in tears at a point. During our July break i decided I’ve had enough and i tried to kill myself. Fucking ironically I used pills. But it didn’t work, and after school started again my dad went to the school’s parent evening.
Both my science and mathematics teachers told my dad that they were worried about my mental state and the subject marks obviously. He came home and we talked a bit. He made an appointment for me at a psychologist, and for the first time i let things out. I talked to her and I talked and explained things and asked questions.
She diagnosed me with Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and she told me she was worried about the way i handled my issues. She said I craved control over people and situations, I manipulate people to get my way. I abuse my relationships with people to be in control. She said I had ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) because of my history, situations i was in, etc.
Looking back at my friendships or relationships i saw what she meant, but i didn’t want to accept it.
I have to go to work now. I will post more if people want me to? Please let me know. Next part will involve relationships, friendships, fights, more info on the ASPD.Hope you have a nice day 🙂
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