Mental Illness Recovery Series: Story # 50

This is the 50^th story of the Mental Illness Recovery Series. Marjolein is an adaptive strong young lady, full of ambition. She does not let her mental disorders define her or control her life. This is her story:

Marjolein van Deurzen is from the Netherlands and she is currently a neuropsychology student. She enjoys theatre, watching plays and musicals, especially acting. Not only that, but she loves art, history, Disney films and cooking. Her goal is to be in a stable relationship and to mean something to other people. Marjolein was born with autism and ADHD, but her social anxiety is result of the two. She said, “I always felt very ‘different’ and was teased a lot by other children. I felt very inferior and became obsessed with the possibility that I would ‘embarrass’ myself in some kind of way.” Marjolein received different types of therapies as a child, but they didn’t work for her.

Life has been difficult for her, Marjolein said, “I often describe it as feeling as if I live in a world that is way too fast and way too loud for me. My brain processes information in a less efficient way and therefore things often seem to be more overwhelming than it would feel for a neuro-typical person.” She felt uncomfortable with surprises or unexpected situations. Her ADHD made her talk a lot and her social anxiety constantly made her afraid to annoy others. Marjolein said, “Furthermore I have difficulties structuring my life, while I do need a lot of structure. I tend to forget things, lose them or leave them and generally feel like life slips through my fingers all the time.”

This affected her daily life in many ways. Marjolein can feel very tired and irritable after a normal day of work, because a lot of stimuli is exhausting. She balances this out by staying at home for a while to recover. Marjolein becomes angry if she loses things that have sentimental value to her and it feels beyond her control. She said, “I come up with lots of strategies not to lose or forget things, but as soon as something unexpected happens I’m out of my routine and I lose things. For example I forgot my suitcase on the train a couple of times, mostly on days when it was either very crowded or there was an unexpected delay or something that caused distraction.” Marjolein doesn’t feel uncomfortable telling people she has ADHD, but with telling others she has autism is a different story. She said, “People with autism are always portrayed in the media as loners with very little social investment who have one specific interest that they prefer to spend all day doing. I have always been an extremely outgoing person and I feel like people will no longer approach me, because they think I prefer to be left alone.”

Marjoleins’ social anxiety makes her uncomfortable during social interactions. She prefers others to make the first move that way she knows she isn’t bothering people. She has never received support from others with autism because they don’t understand her. Marjolein said, “I was also always a little bit of a drama queen because of that. In media, people with autism always come across as a bit ‘robotic’, they don’t seem to express many emotions or don’t know how to express them. I always wanted to show emotions to others. Crying felt so much better when others could see it, because it was the ultimate proof to the world that I too have feelings, see, I’m normal, I have feelings!.”

When things felt painful or hard, she escaped the situation by fantasizing about a possible future in which everything was perfect. Thankfully Marjolein has supportive parents, they have always tried to understand her. However, Marjolein always felt like she was a big burden to them. She said, “I have two brothers who are both neuro-typical and I have always feared that they secretly loved my brothers more than me and that they would even wish that I were never born.” Marjolein has never been in a romantic relationship making her feel insecure. She said, “I cannot help feeling that men simply don’t want me because there are so many ‘normal’ women out there. Why would they want to date a failure like me if they can also have a normal girlfriend? I feel like nobody can love me by choice.”

The turning point for Marjolein was when she went to college. She never had any friends before that and was always bullied at different schools. In college however, everything changed. Everybody was extremely open-minded and accepting towards Marjolein. She said, “I felt more ‘normal’ than ever, without having to change anything about myself. All I had to do was be myself and enjoying what I loved to do. I discovered I had talents, for example stage acting. Before that I thought I basically was a failure at everything. I am still learning a lot, but I think that this has been a very crucial point that made me overcome most of my social anxiety issues. I find myself less obsessed with what others might be thinking about me and the fear of humiliating myself. It is still there, but it is not haunting me as much as it used to. Simply surrounding myself with more supportive friends and learning to accept my condition makes me feel a lot better.”

Since autism and ADHD isn’t something Marjolein can overcome, she is using her mental illnesses as an advantage by trying become a role model for other people with autism, especially young women. She said, “Self-esteem issues in people with autism are very much taken for granted, and that was the primary thing I struggled with.” Another experience that motivated Marjolein was personal tutor she once had. Her tutor asked what she wanted to do after college. After learning that Marjolein wanted to become a psychologist specialized in autism, her tutor told her that she could not become one because autistic people lack empathy. Marjolein said, “I always considered myself very empathetic but she just laughed at me and told me I was daydreaming too much. I wrote essays for medical sociology about this experience and about the dangers of this kind of stigmatization and generalization. Now, next to providing support towards people who are in the same situation, I also want to do something about stigmatization of people with autism. Perhaps even improve diagnostics.”

The strategies she used to control her mental disorders was to surround herself with people she felt comfortable with. Marjolein uses different methods to help her stay focused for example she uses alarms on her phone to remind her of things. The lesson she has learned from friends is to be less judgemental and demanding towards herself. Marjolein also learned that there are other perspectives and solutions to a difficult situation. She is now more relaxed and comfortable in her own skin.

This is her advice for others struggling with similar mental conditions:

“Embrace your individuality and try not to focus too much on the disorder itself. Especially if diagnosed at a young age, and having seen many clinicians it may seem like the disorder is everything. But it does not define you! You are a person, an individual and whatever is in the books does not all have to apply to you. Try to figure out what you like and what you want from life, as you and not as the person with the disorder. Also there is nothing wrong with you. There will always be people who accept you for who you are, even if you haven’t met them yet. Just try to do what you love, and you’ll meet the right people on the way.”

Marjolein would also like to share this:

“Documentaries and lots of media around autism primarily focuses on the family of these children and never on the feelings of these children themselves. I think this mainly has to do with the fact that most people with autism aren’t very strong verbally and thus it’s very hard for them to express their feelings.”

Marjolein has come a long way and I feel that she will make it far in life. Help me make a difference by sharing your story.

Edited by Hamad Hussain