Why You’re Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable People

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Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone who appears distant or emotionally unavailable? For example, they are hot and cold. Or they say they’re not ready for a relationship or commitment. You know this isn’t good for you, but instead of giving up on them, it leaves you wanting them more. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s completely normal. Today we will be talking about WHY this happens and what you can do to avoid it.

The healer

Even if you notice that your crush is a bit on the emotionally cooler side, you may still be drawn to the idea of being the one that inspires them to change! That’s when you delve into psychology books, analyze their childhood wounds, and Google the best strategies to help them open up. This is because, as humans, we all have an innate desire for positive transformation, and the thought of accomplishing such change in someone can be incredibly attractive! All this comes to show your empathetic nature, but unfortunately, you cannot fight their battles. They need to want help before you can help them. Until then, being there for yourself is the best thing you can do. 

Hurtful history

You may also be unconsciously attracted to these individuals due to past wounds or experiences. Maybe you had an emotionally unavailable parent, causing you to crave their love and attention. Now, you’re finding familiarity in this dynamic, and subconsciously seeking to heal those past patterns. You might believe that if you manage to get them to open up and love you, it would be like filling the void left by your parent’s emotional distance. 

The need to hide

These past wounds can sometimes create intimacy issues. And dating these kinds of partners can, paradoxically, seem like a safe space to you if you struggle with showing your true self. Do you often fear that by being the true you, they won’t like what they see and will leave? Or maybe you feel that by showing your authentic needs and desires, they’ll think you’re too much? A partner who keeps their emotions at a distance won’t ask you to share all the complicated stuff. They’re not really interested in the real, messy parts of their partners. And if you feel the need to hide, being with them feels like a relief.

Got you trapped!

Surprisingly, emotionally distant partners are not always cold and withdrawn. At times, they’re warm and open, showering you with affection, but then they pull back, leaving you craving more. This tricky mind game is called intermittent reinforcement, and what makes it so attractive is the more they pull away, the harder you’re drawn in. Those rare moments of closeness turn into emotional treasures, making you excited to experience them again, and running back for more every time. This type of manipulation is highly toxic, and these people may do it intentionally to keep you trapped. Being aware of this tactic may help you recognize it right away and protect yourself from being manipulated.

Captivating independence

You mistake their emotional unavailability for independence. They seem strong and resilient, capable of handling every situation and finding a solution to any problem. And doesn’t that sound like a perfect partner? Well, while independence is important, your partner should still see you as an important part of their lives. Finding someone who cares about shared activities and taking care of each other, while still allowing space for individual growth, should be the top of your priorities to avoid this “independent trap”.


Now you’ve seen some reasons why these people might appear so appealing. But, have you ever wondered why they are this way? To find out, check out 6 Reasons Why Someone Is Emotionally Distant. If you found this article helpful, make sure to like and subscribe for more!

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