Depression can affect anyone in all sorts of ways. Some people make it, while others don’t. I personally know first had what depression is. I’ve battled it all through my life. The following is a description of what I went through and how I fought it. **Trigger warning, this content may be strong**
Depression makes you feel empty, and at times there is nothing but immense sadness. You wake up feeling dead. Nothing can satisfy you anymore, not even your favorite foods or drinks. Socializing is a complete drag, so you distance yourself when all you want is someone to hug you and tell you it’s all going to be okay. Sunrises become dim, and during the day you can’t feel the heat of the sun on your skin. The worse part is, needing to wake up to conquer the day. But the little energy you have left, leaves you dragging your feet trying to survive the day. Time seems to slow down, painfully slow actually. You look at your watch and think is that it? It’s not even half day yet and I want to die. Friends and family watch you slowly fall into an abyss, becoming angry at you. Telling you to “snap out of it, it’s all in your head” or “others have it worse”. As if telling you that is going to help. As a matter of fact, hearing those words make you more distant. It’s a way of protection.
You look in the mirror and can’t recognize yourself anymore. The person you see has lost, or gained weight. You have dark under eye circles from lack of sleep. Your hair is a mess, and you can’t even remember the last time you brushed your hair. Your eyebrows are bushy, because tweezing them out is just too much of a hassle. Your skin is oily, and you feel yucky, but taking a shower takes away the little to no energy you have left. Your phone rings and you see texts from friends asking to hang out. And you think to yourself, “I haven’t seen my best friend in over a month, but look at yourself, your disgusting. Who would really want to hang out with you”? You see, depression is a monster living in your head. Whispering all sorts of degrading things. Distorting your reality, making you feel trapped and lost. All kinds of solutions pass right in front of you, but you are blind, staying in a vicious dreadful cycle.
You become angry at yourself, and you try to do something about your depression. But your effort takes you know where. You’re stuck, and you think suicide is the only way out. You plan how, when, and where. As you hold the blade you think about your family, and remember how they cried the last time you tried. You may not care about yourself anymore, but you don’t want to hurt your loved ones. So instead you throw away the blade. It’s not until you truly hit rock bottom, that you realize there is nowhere to go, but to climb back up.
As you fight your depression, the little monster in your head holds you back and you fall deep down once again. That’s when you realize you can’t do this alone, and decide to get help. You reach out to a friend, and take therapy with medication. People start noticing a difference, and compliment you. But you think, am I really getting better? Is this all worth it? You take three steps towards recovery and take two steps back. This makes you feel utterly crappy because you expect to recover in a linear fashion. As you learn to love yourself and life again, you realize you’re human and that it’s okay to fail at times. You let go of all your delusions and crazy expectations. But most importantly you forgive yourself and everyone who has hurt you. As time passes by, you finally feel the heat of the sun on your skin, and you cry. It’s not just simple tears. It’s more intense. You fall to the floor with your hands on your chest. Your laughing hysterically while you cry as you realize you are finally coming out of the grips of depression. At this point you are the hero of your story because no one saved you, but yourself. You learned that it wasn’t yourself that you wanted to kill, but the monster in your head.
I truly hope my words, can help you understand your feelings better. A lot of times we don’t know how to express ourselves. My story can be very different from yours, but don’t lose hope. I once read a quote that stuck to me, “Don’t wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. Light that b*tch up yourself“. There is no such thing as a perfect moment to get better. You need to get up and grind until you win.