Mental Illness Recovery Series: Story # 62

This the 62^nd story of the Mental Illness Recovery Series. Dereka felt like an outsider her whole life, and by challenging her fears and thoughts she was able to move forward. This is her story:

Dereka is from LA and she has gotten into photography this last year, she said, “I mostly snap pictures of myself, but it’s helped a great deal in my mission to achieve self-love, and to see myself as a person, and to like finally like what I see. It gave me an opportunity to see myself not just through the reflection in the mirror.” Dereka has a blog on tumblr (pennylanedarling), and she likes to make short videos for fun. She craves anything that allows her creative side to come out. She is fond of coming up with ideas, and following through with them. She said, “I love anything that gets my imagination going. I love music, I love food, and I’ve owned the book ‘Girl, interrupted’ for about 3 years now, but I’ve finally cracked it open.” She is also a big movie fanatic and has played The Sims for a long time.

Dereka doesn’t have any goals, she just wants to make it from one day to the next. She said, “I can see myself in a place where I feel I belong, I can see myself smiling, and laughing, and above all living. I can see myself at home, where ever that may be.” Dereka lives with anxiety and panic disorder, and depression. She doesn’t know what may have caused her disorders, but she can remember feeling worried about things that hadn’t happened yet and feeling profound sadness at a young age.

After being diagnosed by a therapist during her teen years, Dereka felt like no one was listening to her. It was difficult for her mother to grasp the idea of mental illness due to the lack of knowledge, so she just blamed her daughter’s father for her troubles. Due to this her therapist kept making reference of her father during the treatment, so Dereka felt like it was pointless. She was on and off Lexapro, but this medication did not suit Dereka because it kept her from feeling. She said, “I could tell I wasn’t myself on it, and being 14 I wanted to feel, I just wanted to be normal.”

Her daily life consisted of different symptoms, such as feeling empty. Dereka said, “I felt a hole in my chest, a emptiness that no matter what I tried couldn’t be filled, I was anxious, and constantly worried. My mind was always running a mile a minute even when I’m sleeping. At times I felt everything and it barreled down on me, and other times I felt absolutely nothing, and I reveled in those moments.” Dereka has to deal with rapid heartbeats, cold sweats, sweaty palms, dry mouth, light headedness, bouts of crying, and feeling tired. She couldn’t socialize without feeling frenzied. Dereka had to constantly think and plan out her interactions, she said, “I almost felt like I needed to plan out everything, down to my movements, and facial expressions.”

Her first suicide attempt was in 2^nd grade, Dereka tied a belt around her neck, but thankfully she got scared and landed on her bedroom floor crying, for what she was capable of doing. She took a handful of bendadryl on her second attempt around the 8^th grade, but she made herself throw up before anything bad happened. Dereka said, “I never had intentions of hurting other people. I was only a danger to myself. I knew that, and was afraid of what I was capable of.” During high school, she began cutting herself, using kitchen knives, razor blades, even broken glass. During those moments it felt like a release for Dereka.

Her behavior affected her relationship with her mother. Dereka said, “My mother was scared and acted out in anger towards me. She didn’t understand what was going on, why I was like this, she didn’t have the capacity to be that hands on help that I was screaming out for. We had a really bad relationship at one point, constantly fighting, she pushed me away and I pushed her away.” Because of this Dereka felt like a freak and that she did not belong. She told one friend the truth about what was going on, and she was kind and understood. Everyone else tried to push their ideals on Dereka, trying to give her a solution to her problems. Due to this Deraka felt like an outsider, she said, “I didn’t relate to many people. I felt alone in my deep dark hole, that I had been living in most of my life.” She would become angry for waking up, all she wanted was to feel moments of peace.

The turning point was when she turned 21, Dereka decided to not be defined by her illnesses. Her mental disorders prevented her from doing many things she really wanted to do. Dereka began to fight it by exposing herself to situations that brought her anxiety. She said, “Through this I learned what I was truly made of. I saw my true character, and I saw for the first time that fighter, that everyone always said they saw in me.” Dereka also said, “I refuse to let it hinder me. It’s still there, believe me, but throughout the years I’ve learned to adapt and fight, and find that confidence that self-esteem I needed to be able to hold my head high without second guessing or feeling like I shouldn’t belong anywhere.”

Her friend and family helped by educating themselves, and being empathic towards her. During moments of loneliness, Dereka reminds herself that she loved and cared for. The biggest lesson she learned was self-love. She said, “You can never achieve anything if you don’t start with yourself first. I allowed myself to fall in love with myself, by getting to know the girl I avoided in the mirror for so many years. It’s very important to have a healthy view of yourself because that view shapes how you view others and the world itself.” She now values true friendships and the strong bond that is between a mother and daughter. Dereka does not look for the bad in every situation anymore and plans on using her medication until it not needed anymore.

This is her advice for others struggling with similar situations:

“I would just say that you’re not alone, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not causing this to yourself. So try if you can to not be so hard on yourself. It’s rather easy to beat yourself up, but try and take some time, sit in front of mirror and study yourself, learn yourself and start to see yourself as a person. You are real and whether you want to believe it or not, you are beautiful. We are our worst enemies, but it doesn’t have to be like that. We are so much more than our illnesses, we have so much more to offer. You weren’t made for pain. You weren’t made to suffer, remember that.”

It brings me joy, to know Dereka is trying her best to gain back control of her life. It has been a never ending battle since she was young, but thankfully she has found the courage to fight back. Help me make a difference by sharing your story.