10 Signs You’ve Pissed an Introvert Off
I think we can all agree that we don’t want to piss introverts off – that’s the easy part. The challenge is actually knowing when you’ve pissed an introvert off! As many of you probably know from experience, introverts like to play their cards very close to their chests. You may have made an enemy for life in an introvert, and have no idea for years. It turns out there are some subtle signs you can watch out for that can indicate when you’re getting on an introvert’s nerves. Introverts reading this will probably feel very familiar with these signs. Friends and family of introverts will get an equal dose of nostalgia as they read this. We’ve all dealt with an angry introvert at one point in our life. Although introverts might not wear their hearts on their sleeves like extroverts do, their anger and fury is by no means weaker than their extroverted peers – in fact in many cases it’s quite the opposite. Fixing soured relations with an introvert is hard, but the first step is recognizing that you’ve made a wrong step with them. Here’s how to tell if you’ve pissed them off:
The Introvert Responds With One Word
Introverts sometimes don’t show anger in the ways you would expect, especially if you’re looking at the world through the perspective of an extrovert. Extroverts typically have no problem with expressing themselves, especially when it comes to things that anger them, but introverts are a little different. When introverts get pissed off, they tend to “shut down.” This means that they will say as little as possible, usually in one word sentences. For example, “Yes,” “No,” “Fine,” and so on. This is because they’re doing the least amount of social exertion possible in order to end the conversation as quickly as possible. This is actually more effective than not saying anything if the introvert wants to get people to go away, because if they don’t reply, then the person will start pestering them, saying, “Why are you ignoring me?” Or, “Tell me what’s wrong…” and so forth. One word answers are their way of saying “Go away.” This sign of anger is sometimes hard to spot, because the introvert might put very little emotion into their voice, or they might even try to fool you by faking happiness with their one word answers.
The Introvert Doesn’t Return Your Calls
Everyone knows that Introverts want to be alone when they’re stressed out, and this also extends to when they’re angry at someone. When an extrovert is angry at someone, chances are they can’t wait to give that person an earful over the phone, making it extremely clear why they’re so pissed off. But when an introvert feels ticked off by someone, their reaction is often to give them the silent treatment. They don’t even want to deal with that person at all – and this means that they’ll do anything to avoid talking to them either face to face or on the phone. To them, just interacting with the person that’s been annoying them is a source of stress, and so their solution is just to cut that person out of their life… At least until they forgive them or get over whatever they did to cause such a reaction.
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The Introvert Pretends Everything Is Okay
Another key characteristic of a pissed off introvert is the pretense that everything is okay. It’s their way of completely avoiding the situation altogether, and is often combined with one word responses. In an introvert’s mind, revealing their anger will only lead to more social interaction and those long, drawn out discussions about feelings that introverts dread so much. So their solution is to put on a great big fake smile, interact with you as little as possible, and get the hell away from you as quickly as possible. This also classifies as passive aggressive behavior, and it’s a hallmark of introverted behavior. Introverts know that the quickest way to end a social interaction with someone is not to become visibly angry at them, because then the person will demand to know why they are angry. The quickest way to end an interaction with someone you don’t want to interact with is actually to be pleasant, polite, and excuse yourself from their presence as quickly as possible.
The Introvert Blows Up Over Small Things
Another key characteristic of a pissed off introvert is their tendency to bottle all of their emotions up inside, rather than revealing them. This can lead to some pretty serious and explosive consequences. Even introverts, with their hatred of being the center of attention, have their limits. You’ve heard of the final straw – don’t be around when an introvert reaches their’s. This can be seriously confusing to those around the introvert. One minute they seem fine, the next minute they’re screaming their lungs out at you. This is because the introvert is probably avoiding confronting you about something you were doing that they hated for a long time. They might have been avoiding confronting you about it for months, even years. But when introverts finally reach their limits, they explode in a huge burst of anger. This may seem like a pretty obvious sign that someone is pissed off, but the key thing that makes this an introverted quality is that the anger seems to come out of nowhere, and over something that seems utterly meaningless.
The Introvert Refuses Help
Introverts love going at it alone. But they will tolerate working with others and accepting help from people they respect and get along with. When an introvert refuses to accept your help, that’s when you know you’re on their bad side. True, introverts tend to refuse help from pretty much everyone, not just those they hate, but it’s a definite sign that you’ve done something wrong. This becomes really clear when it makes no sense why the introvert would refuse your help. It might be painfully obvious that they really need your help, but they stubbornly refuse it because that would “infect them” with your presence. For example, you might put your arm around an introvert’s shoulder after they sprained their ankle, to help them walk towards an ambulance. If the introvert hates you, they’d probably push you aside and limp towards the ambulance on their own.
Apathy
Apathy is another characteristic of a pissed off introvert. As previously mentioned, an angered introvert will “shut down” emotionally and socially. Apathy is one of the ways some introverts shut down. They might have this burning rage inside of them, but on the outside they appear as peaceful as a quiet lake. They seem to stop caring about everything. “Whatever” becomes their new favorite word. Things they were previously enthusiastic about seem unimportant all of a sudden. A key sign introverts are mad at you specifically is if they only act apathetic towards you alone. It’s basically a non-verbal way of saying “I’m angry” or “Something’s wrong.” They won’t actually come out and say these things though, because of their aversion to social interaction and revealing their feelings.
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The Introvert Retreats Into Their Work
This is a big sign that introverts are seriously pissed off at you. Introverts have the ability to dive headfirst into their work, and are quite happy to drown in it. It can become a welcome escape for them, especially from the people that are getting on their nerves. This can be pretty obvious in the workplace, when a coworker might cancel a lunch date with you because “They’ve got too much work to do.” In a school setting, someone might stop hanging out with you because they’ve “got way too much homework.” It can also manifest in relationships, with the age-old excuse: “I have to work late tonight.” It’s a way for introverts to show that they don’t need you, and they have better things to do. It’s like they’re walking away from you and leaving you standing there, only they’re using an excuse to do it.
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The Introvert Only Wants To Communicate By Text Or Email
Some introverts will do anything to avoid actually talking to the person they hate, as hearing their voice can be incredibly frustrating. Luckily for them, in today’s day and age, you can do that and still interact with them, using written communication methods like email and texting. You might call an introvert, leave a message, and then get a text from that person replying to the message you just left. Clearly the introvert could have answered the phone, but chose not to. They also might make up some dumb excuse as to why they didn’t answer their phone, such as “I just got out of the shower” or “Sorry, my phone was on silent.” While they might be telling the truth if this happens once or twice, the continuation of this behavior means you’ve done something to get on that introvert’s bad side.
The Introvert Seems To Treat Your Pets Better Than You
Sometimes Introverts seem to get along a lot better with animals than humans. After all, animals don’t expect you to say anything to them or keep a conversation going, and they’re usually happy to just sit in silence and enjoy your company. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat animals, and usually introverts treat animals very well. But sometimes, it can seem like the introvert prefers your pet’s company to your own. If you’re with an introvert at your house for example, and the introvert seems more interested in your pet than you, you’ve probably done something to annoy that person. They might refuse to make eye contact with you while you’re talking to them, preferring to keep their attention on your dog or cat, while nodding in a bored manner at whatever you’re saying. They might even be saying more words to your pet than to you!
The Introvert Wants To Be Alone
In the end, the clearest sign that an introvert is stressed out or pissed off is if they want to be alone. As most people know, Introverts have to be alone in order to “recharge” and “de-stress.” If nothing’s bothering them, then chances are they’re going to feel a lot less motivated to isolate themselves from everyone. Put them in a high-stress environment, and they’re probably going to want to spend more and more time alone with their thoughts. But even if everything is going fine with them, some introverts admit that they still need to spend about 50% of their time alone in order to function well. So it can be very hard to tell whether the introvert is choosing to be alone because you’ve done something to piss them off, or if they’ve just reached that point where everything is getting on their nerves. A sure sign that it’s you that’s causing them to want to be alone is if you’re hanging out with them, in a group or otherwise, and all of a sudden they want to go home. Before you can even ask them why, they’ve said their goodbyes and are out the door. You’ll probably look back and realize you did something to offend them.
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I am an introvert and this article says it all. When I get mad at someone or something I always want to be alone and tend to cut myself away from people. I feel better in my own bubble rather than to be with a lot of people that will just cause me frustrations. I am fond of the one-word answers, (^^) the less I speak the better so no follow-up questions will be fired at me. And it’s true I want conversation to be over asap. I also interact better with pets than with actual people.
I do hope that this will help with the awareness with regards to how us, introverts, react when mad. We are never loud. We attack silently-ish.
So true!
This a great help. Thank you. But my question is, do you introvert need to be harsh in saying you need/want time alone? Because it really hurts sometimes.
if the other person persists a little too much then yes, you shoul read the signs, if someone tells you they want to be alone harshly then it’s because of something. Introverts don’t tend to be mad about anything. If you did something, then it was something that really upset them. Introverts usually just swallow their emotions when something minor irritates them. But if they come to the point where they realy want you our of their sight , then you should probably start thinking about what you did wrong and what to do to fix it.
My thoughts exactly.
My former best friend, whom I have known for 40 years describes himself as an introvert. So am I just expected to accept his rude, hurtful and very upsetting behaviour towards me and my family?
Are introverts meant to be the only ones with feelings in this matter?? As I have been left devastated by his most recent actions.
I have been unable to focus since the latest ‘incident’ with him, and this has affected my sleep, my work, and my general wellbeing. But I suppose ‘that’s what introverts’ do??
It affected me so much that I felt inclined to take revenge on him for all the pain he has caused. Nothing illegal of course, but things that I know will impact on his ‘enclosed’ existence.
It ok however, as I’m an extrovert, and that’s how we are…….
Hi.. im an extrovert, correct me if im wrong, but with what i read on this article or issue, i think its a bit unfair to us as extrovert.. soyou guys are trying to tell that we extrovert should understand and adjust to you introverts? And you introverts doesn’t even care at all weather you understand us or not? Unfair
This was a really interesting article! And, me, being an introvert, could relate to pretty much all of it. I think one thing you could add next time, or explore further, would be how to make an introvert STOP being mad at you.
I’m an EXTREME introvert. I would love to see some practical solutions for defusing introvert rage. The only working solution I have is “go away, leave me alone, and hope I come back. If I don’t come back, you will simply have to get over it and get on with your life.” I have burned many bridges this way, but, sadly, I’ve never regretted the loss of these relationships.
Yes, please i want to know how introvert stop being mad too. Thank you
I wasn’t really surprising to me seeing how I could relate to a bunch of these points made. Being an introvert myself, I’m aware of my own habits and tendencies and find it important to inform those close to me of them in hopes that they can read my body language in the future. Overall a very relatable article.
One thing I didn’t really enjoy was how each section was titled ‘The Introvert…’ which made it seem like some other superior group of people/scientist were studying our behavior as if we were weird creatures. That kind of phrasing can make one feel isolated when in reality introverts are just people aren’t they?
Yeah it was kind of awkward. I did that because if you put the keyword in the first word of the heading, it works better for search engine optimization.
Very relatable, as an introvert I related to most things you had listed in the article. Especially the part you mentioned about us introverts diving into our work when upset with someone. I laughed out loud because it was just too relatable, and I felt like was being called out (not in a bad way). I like how the common theme of each section was about introverts avoiding conflict. Everything introverts do when upset with someone, is ultimately based upon avoiding as much human interaction as possible. You highlighted that very well in this article. Great job!
Actually I found these points to be true for times that I wasn’t angry. For me, they all applied to times when I was simply overstimulated by one thing or another, be it emotion, stress or other thing, and these points are all coping mechanisms for me.
For instance: Numbers 8-10 (speaking of which, numbering each of the points in a list-article is always helpful, for referencing purposes), could all be indicative of someone who is overstimulated by a situation, and may have nothing to do with the individual being angry. These are all coping mechanisms that I, and many other introverts use when we become overstimulated.
As an introvert who also suffers from anxiety, I can say that I would actually prefer to communicate by text or email, and not by phone calls, regardless of whether or not I’m angry. Since anger is such an intense emotion, it can be easier to communicate via text, because it gives me time to think about my answer, as opposed to the stress of having to think on the spot, as can be required on the phone or in person. However, this is true when I’m not angry. I personally have a tendency to plan out conversations in my head long before I actually make a phone call. Being able to text or email is much less stressful, and I can plan and re-write texts before sending them. This kind of ties into point number 2 as well (not returning phone calls). Having to rehearse what one says before making a phone call can get very tedious, time consuming and nerve wracking, which could result in an introvert just not returning phone calls.
As with the previous statement, an introvert doesn’t necessarily treat the pet better than you because they are angry with you. It could simply be because people are too intense, while animals are more calming.
In regards to number 1, using only one word sentences could be a sign of preoccupation and not anger. Now, obviously if one has been fighting with an introvert prior to them ‘clamming up,’ then sure this is a sure sign, but I’ve known extroverts who do this too. But if an introvert is using one word sentences out of the blue, it probably just means they are preoccupied with their thoughts.
Similarly, if an introvert snaps at someone for something small (Number 4), it may not be actual anger at the person they are snapping at, but an accumulation of stress, or a combination of stress and anxiety that causes them to fixate on little things, from outside sources such as work, or outside family life. I know, at least for myself, as an introvert, that I tend to bottle things up inside, regardless of whether it is stress, anger, sadness, etc. And the person that I am taking it all out on, I’m not necessarily angry at, but the tiny thing they did is merely the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.
I completely agree. As an introvert with high anxiety myself, just the thought of dealing with people in general is very stressful. It’s complete sensory overload when I’m angry. I don’t however, agree with what was said about angry introverts are.pretty much passive aggressive. I have no problem voicing my opinion. When someone posses me off if when I feel that it would actually do any good. It’s a waste of time explaining why I’m mad to someone who believes me to be passive aggressive.
As I was reading this article I realized I might be a full time pissed introvert haha. It explained a lot, really. Introverts are more easily over-stimulated and I guess there are pretty good chances of going through frustration more often as an introvert than as an extrovert, so this kind of thorough explanation really helps others truly see and understand what is really going on with their angry introverted peers and how to pick on the signs.Thank you for the great piece of writing!
I like to think that i’m a introvert because i genuinely don’t like humans. I mean it depends on the moods and this post did accurately described how I coop up with my life.
As an introvert, which seems to be a common theme on this comment section, I really resonated with the points in the article, especially numbers three through five. Introverts are careful to not show their true colors all the time because they do not like to let people past the barriers they constructed. As a breed of people, introverts seem to value their independence, emotionally or otherwise. I think it is crucial to become aware of these signs especially if one spends a lot of time with introverts. This will help people recognize potential problems in their relationships with introverts. I think it is important to also develop, in light of these signs, ways to try to connect with introverts. What would be the best way for people to talk to introverts about what is bothering them since they value their isolation so much? Also, how can you show an introvert that you care, when they push you away?
As an introvert, I loved reading this article!
I can relate to all of these symptoms, especially when annoyed with others. Though, it does seem that weather I am annoyed or not, I still act this way towards people in general. I find that I tend to be reluctant towards anyone I come into contact with, unless we have formed a trusting and healthy relationship, which is very rare for me. Perhaps I need to get out more, but I find so much safety and love in the internet world, that I don’t feel it necessary to always be out and about in a social setting.
This doesn’t mean my whole life is reliant on the internet, but more so I find there are more of those who are like me, in this world, than out in my home town.
I still have a great sense of adventure and love of meeting others, it just takes time for me to form bonds with those who I wish to communicate with openly on a daily basis.
It is difficult for those introverted souls, who never truly seek help, and want to get everything done on their own. I think for me, it’s about finding that balance, of when to reach out and ask and when to retreat. I’m still working on that.
I find if I converse with someone who opposes and attacks my beliefs, I get very short with them and shut them out in whatever way I can.
I am someone who deeply yearns for answers and has found a lot of truth in establishing a life of prayer to God. This is a very powerful tool for anyone, and has been for my introverted self. Because I can ask for knowledge and literature and discernment to know which steps to take to gain more clarity and understanding of my true purpose here.
Through faith and studying that which is presented to me in this life, I know I am getting a clearer picture of how to stay patient in times of strife and how to accept and forgive those who are making me feel angry.
I’ve definitely come to see that there is a lot to gain by being comfortable in spending time alone.
So, these symptoms don’t necessarily mean an introvert is annoyed or mad at you, but maybe they are just taking a break from the world and working on their own character and looking for answers to help them feel more fulfilled in this life.
The introvert and extrovert have some of the same signs when each is pissed off, according to each article on this site.
However, unusual points such as, “paying more attention to your animals then you” really stand out.
The article is useful for BOTH introverts and extroverts. The goal is communication, and this list can help us read that infernal “silent language” without having to figure out what type a person is to begin with!
As an introvert, I delight both in the informative and cohesive aspects as well as the emphatic aspect of this article. In fact, the use of well-written point-by-point subtopics and credible illustrations make comprehension simple for the reader. Incidentally, if the reader of this article is an introvert, he or she is probably will feel some familiarity and may also be relieved at the thought of having their questions about the scientific nature of their unique form of anger answered. As for those readers who are extroverts, they might also be intrigued by the introversion typical behavior, particularly in terms of avoidance and amelioration.
Being an introvert myself, I can definetly recognize most of these signs. I think this article did a great job at giving a window for people who do not understand introverts as easily. My only question is, how can one differentiate between when an introvert is upset at a specific person in contrast to a particular situation or another person. The signs in my opinion are similar, but where is that line drawn and how can we point out that difference. Other than that I really enjoyed reading this!
Interesting question. I suppose it’s hard because Introverts don’t tend to give much away. You might be able to ask other people if your introverted friend is acting like that all the time, or just with you. Just a thought.
The problem is I act this way whether I’m stressed or upset or not, so they aren’t very good signs. It may make extroverts think introverts are upset all the time. Although someone else posted a good suggestion to ask someone who knows the introvert better to aee if they do more of these things around a certain person than others it may mean they don’t like that person or are just nervous around that person… It’s probably better just to ask the introverted person…
As an introvert I cannot deny these facts, and although I believe that introverts are more misunderstood compared to their counterpart I feel that reading this article covers the parts of an introvert that are exactly misunderstood for example introverts pretending everything is ok. As stated in the article “In an introvert’s mind, revealing their anger will only lead to more social interaction and those long, drawn out discussions about feelings that introverts dread so much…” And to add on to this, not only do most introverts try to avoid these interactions, revealing what’s truly upsetting us or revealing our aggravations, I also feel that introverts try to to avoid people because the anger they hold inside of their minds is so intense that they cant help but feel that the slightest word will make them pop and ultimately make the situation worst, not just for them but for everyone around probably because they fear that their frustrations will cause others to feel angry as well. But that’s what I would add due to experience being an introvert myself. Overall I couldn’t have stated these facts any better myself, great article.
Absolutely agree with your post. Being an introvert myself I have displayed all these signs when I’m pissed. I think more people need to be aware of the signs that an introvert is pissed because it is the complete opposite of what we’re used to.
What I liked the most from what you’ve written was “Their reaction is often to give them the silent treatment.” and “revealing their anger will only lead to more social interaction and those long, drawn out discussions about feelings that introverts dread so much.”
This is absolutely true for me. I hesitate on revealing my anger because I often ask myself if it was worth it? I ask myself if my anger or the thing that happened is really worth the long, drawn out conversation that would most likely follow. And I don’t like long conversations so I keep my anger bottled up.
Introverts lose energy when interacting with others, which is the opposite for extroverts since they thrive during social interactions. Long conversations can be exhausting for an introvert and that is what will most likely happen if they reveal their anger.
However, bottled up anger is extremely unhealthy to the body and can erupt over the most mundane thing. Introverts can seem volatile because of this when that is really not the case.
As an introvert myself, I couldn’t agree more with this article. Being an introvert can be hard sometimes. When someone pisses you off, all you want to do is alienate yourself from everyone, including those who care for you. You don’t want to vent all your hatred and there’s a high chance that you will accidentally make yourself sound like you’re mad at those you care. Speaking from experience, being an introvert taught me a lot. On keeping it all to myself. It’s not that I’m not articulated enough to express my anger towards somone that pisses me off, it just takes so much energy and effort, and in the end of the day, it just seems pointless. It’s like, I’ve got all these comebacks for those “are you mad at me?” texts, but it is just easier to deny, repress all those emotions and just go with a plain “no.” But deep inside, both sides know that I – who prefers to bottle up all those emotions and rage like a fine wine – am lying.
But all in all, you will always come to a certain point in your life, where something will trigger you so much so that it is impossible to keep all the emotions inside yourself. All you need is a tiny little problem (and also a little inside help called hormones) to trigger everything you’ve repressed and eventually spilling all the fine wine you’ve bottled up. But again, being an introvert, you wouldn’t want to bother anyone. So all you can think of is just throwing all the inanimate objects surrounding you. Or you can just have a good emotional breakdown.
I’m aware that it’s not a healthy way to “voice out” my opinion (without actually voicing it out), but that’s just the way us introverts do it.
You seem to understand a lot about introverts. Are you and introvert yourself? Or do you surround yourself with a lot of introverts? If you’re an introvert yourself, how do you cope with people’s expectations?
I definitely agree with this, especially the point about blowing up about nothing. I’ve really gotten into the habit of bottling up my emotions, which annoys my mom to no end, and then I always end up getting upset for the dumbest reasons because I simply can’t keep it in anymore. As for the animals, I actually tend to be a bit more drawn to animals anyways, so I wouldn’t say for me that’s a sign of being pissed off. Also, not answering the phone isn’t necessarily a sign I’m angry for me since I have anxiety about talking on the phone with most people, especially if it’s a number I don’t recognize. Otherwise, I definitely agree with these points.
Other than that, I think some of the photos in the article are distracting, especially since many of them didn’t seem to relate to the point being made. If pictures are going to be used, make sure that they relate to the article and the points that they’re paired with.
Wow I looked at this article and felt like you were writing about me. As an introvert, being alone is when I’m strongest and when I can deal with my emotional issues with a sound mind. Honestly, I do most of these things whether I’m angry or not so it can very difficult for others around me to figure out if I’m pissed at them or if I’m just being regular Me, but I do know that whenever I’m angry at someone I become very silent whenever they’re around and avoid eye contact with them so they don’t try to start talking to me (which doesn’t really work often). The first paragraph, seemed a little choppy without fluid transitions from one sentence to another, so I’d work on that but the article as a whole was very relatable and brought a smile to my face.
As an introvert I cannot deny these facts, and although I believe that introverts are more misunderstood compared to their counterpart I feel that reading this article covers the parts of an introvert that are exactly misunderstood for example introverts pretending everything is ok. As stated in the article “In an introvert’s mind, revealing their anger will only lead to more social interaction and those long, drawn out discussions about feelings that introverts dread so much…” And to add on to this, not only do most introverts try to avoid these interactions, revealing what’s truly upsetting us or revealing our aggravations, I also feel that introverts try to to avoid people because the anger they hold inside of their minds is so intense that they cant help but feel that the slightest word will make them pop and ultimately make the situation worst, not just for them but for everyone around probably because they fear that their frustrations will cause others to feel angry as well. But that’s what I would add due to experience being an introvert myself. Overall I couldn’t have stated these facts any better myself, great article.
There are several points to this article that I identify with and several I don’t. For example: recently a friend and I had a pretty bad argument because they (they identify as they) were bad-mouthing a mutual friend of ours (one whose play she was going to direct) and I decided to tell the mutual friend about it. Instead of blaming themselves, the friend blamed me, saying I had broken their trust. This made me angry and stressed enough to avoid her calls, refuse to call her back, and only text her. I suggested meeting in person with a mediator but realized that this would only stress me out further because there’d be one extra person there, so I quickly called that off and urged them to speak with our mutual friend about the hurtful and disrespectful things they said about the mutual friend. However, just because I–as an introvert–ignore calls or make up excuses not to hang out does not necessary mean I am angry with a person: it just means I really want to be alone and recharge or to do my own thing rather than go with the group. For the most part, this article is spot-on, though!
Actually, you DID break your friend’s trust. I’m not excusing your friend’s behaviour of badmouthing your mutual friend but instead of ‘snitching’ on you friend, a better way to deal with the situation might have been to tell your friend to assertively confront your mutual friend about what was bothering them, since badmouthing people is often a sign of a genuine grievance between people.
As an introvert too, I identify with the points in the article just as much as the commentators above me. I am guilty (I will explain why ‘guilty’) of carrying out the actions listed above and as such, I have one big issue with the article;
The article implies that we introverts are owed something by others (extroverts and ambiverts). Let’s be honest. Most of the actions listed above that introverts are fond of carrying out are frankly, maladaptive – they’re immature to a large extent and unfair to others, and to ourselves.
For starters, Sosa, your introductory line, “I think we can all agree that we don’t want to piss introverts off – that’s the easy part. The challenge is actually knowing when you’ve pissed an introvert off!” creates the impression that people should behave as if they’re walking on eggshells around introverts. It takes away our moral agency for ourselves as introverts in that we assign the responsibility of our reactions to other people. ‘Don’t make so-and-so angry because they won’t take it well’ is the vibe that one comes away with. No one should intentionally piss anyone else off, introvert or otherwise, and everyone is responsible for their own reactions to other peoples’ words and/or deeds.
The article implies that other people should twist and bend over to accommodate introverts, like being mind readers to know what introverts are thinking. In as much as I fully understand how misunderstood introversion is to the general public, we surely can’t expect other people to correctly guess what is brewing within us. We as introverts should learn how to assertively communicate our thoughts and feelings to others, otherwise we are fully responsible when misunderstandings between ourselves and other people ensue, because of our entitled attitude that its other peoples’ responsibility to learn how to infer our unspoken feelings. We need to step out of ourselves every now and then and consider how unfair and confusing our actions seem to other people. As a matter of fact, we are the ones who have it easy with extroverts who freely express themselves, so at any one moment, we know what’s going on with them, even if many of them come off as brash at times. I agree that non-introverts will be better off learning the nuances of introversion but on the other hand, let’s not act as if other people are telepathic.
As I mentioned earlier, most of the actions listed in the article are maladaptive – they may provide temporary relief and escape from a situation, but they’ll only hurt those around us, and actually hurt US more! They are passive-aggressive, and damaging to our loved ones in the long run. When we don’t return calls, respond with one word answers when someone else is genuinely trying to reach out to us, blow up over small things, pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t and shut people out, who do you think is going to be the eventual loser at the end of the day??! It is us! People can take only so much stone walling during communication, but every one (extroverts and other fellow introverts) has their breaking point, and then we are the ones who will be left alone, responsible for ruining good relationships.
There are many wonderful things that we can all learn from one another whether introverted, extroverted and everything in between. But how to appease introverts as if we’re young children who still haven’t learned how to get a grip on our (re)actions to things that happen to everyone (which essentially is infantilizing us) is not the way to go! If we want to lose the negative connotations that introversion has gained over the years (shy, anti-social, apathetic, weird, too sensitive, etc.) then we have to lead that change in perception by changing (improving) the way we treat other people. Otherwise the next big thing will be ‘introvert privilege’ to treat others like crap. And I say all this as an introvert and highly sensitive person (HSP) myself.
I agree with what you are saying Chris ..
That’s a really great response. I’m somewhere in the middle and am managed by a Strong introvert. I care deeply about our professional relationship but it sometimes feels as if I am riding a rollacoaster where within an hour mood can change dramatically, becoming impetuous and verbally aggressive by text quite randomly. All the symptoms of closing down and withdrawing under stress are there and I can understand and to an extent deal with this but the random volatility is hard work and infusing. V hard to understand the extent to which it is you or the situation. I’m not sure introverts always recognise how hard others reflect to flex their behaviour and to understand. I was interested in the comment of how to you help an introvert know you both care but also that just because you are more e tracery, it doesn’t mean their behaviour isn’t hurtful to you and doesn’t leave others overthinking their part in your reaction
Im an introvert an all of this article rings true to me. In fact I’m reading an writing this on my own with my own thoughts.
🙂
What about the extroverted friend who tries to go out of their way to accommodate an introvert .
And often feels pushed aside ..
I’d like to hear more on how an introvert should care for an extrovert friend get the balance right .
As often the aloofness can be very challenging .
Oh 🙁 If an introverted friend tries to go out of their way to accommodate me, chances are they have just busted the friendship permanently – going “out of your way” for me is incredibly invasive, intrusive, traumatic and arrogant. My extrovert friends have learned to really listen to me when I speak. And I think, speaking for myself, that the aloofness comes from the absolute surety that my life would be 100% better without whoever didn’t just listen to me or take me seriously when I said “I don’t like people touching me”, and touched me anyway. Far too many people have decided that my introversion needs fixing, and destroyed my fragile, beautiful little life as a result.
I have problem with my introvert husband after reading this then i know my husband is angry with me. Everything is in article is happen right now. He is ignoring me for few months. Not talking. Avoiding me in total. He even blocked my number. But its doesnt settle our problem. If others ask him about us. He will say ‘we are fine’ but reality we are not. Please advice so i can understand the situation because am asking for divorce but he dont want to talk about it too. Am confuse, am lost but i do still love him is just i dont know what to do.
the same thing happen to me and my partner, i was blocked at her phone and messenger now and i don’t know until when. she just got mad and telling me she wanted to be alone but before that we are very happy together just the next day she shut me out.
I will recommend you to just give him some more time to be alone. If we want to discuss about our anger/ disappointments with you, we will; but it will be in our timing, not yours.
When we finally choose to reconcile, we will came out from our “cave” and discuss all of our problems with you. When the time comes, please do listen to our words carefully, and just don’t instantly “terrorize” us with your feedbacks.
The best way for you to speed up all the “give me some time” process is to constantly “accidentally” leave him subtle marks/ traces of happy moments from your past, so he will subconsciously miss you. He needs to be reminded about those happy days. Like if you still live together in a house, you might want to made someone (not you) drop by and “accidentaly” bring him foods from your regular dating-spot. Or you can made that someone send flowers (the same flowers from your wedding bouquet) to his office. Or made someone “accidentaly” play your wedding songs so he will hear it. From my experience, pictures from my wedding anniversaries worked best on me (I am a visual-type of person). It is necessary for him to be unaware of these series of “accidental” traces-of-love has been all of your doing.
Ps: Sorry for the bad english. Not a native speaker. Hope everything goes well for you.
When an introvert speaks, listen. They are telling you what they need from you. If I say “I don’t like people touching me”, or “I just want to be left alone”, or “what I want is peace and quiet” I’m firing a warning shot across your bow. If you fail to realise this, and persist in crowding, touching, conversing, pushing, you will never see me again.
This article is really accurate, I don’t know how you managed to get down our personalities so well.
i think i probably drained my introvert partner without knowing how and why… unfortunately i was at the receiving end of all this signs 🙁
the saddest thing is I don’t even have any idea about introvert at all just lately. i hope it’s not too late for us.
I have seen all this characteristic to my gf and sad to say it’s too late. I have never had any idea of what is an introvert and how to interact with them so I didn’t know how stressful it is for her at work and how crucial it is to her to not have alone time. We had an argument about it because I don’t understand why she just need some time alone and she has to be rude at telling me. I misinterpreted the signs and that made her more upset. She shut me out, blocked on phone and social media. It hurts because maybe if I have the knowledge about what’s going on with her we will not be this way. I love her so much.
My girlfriend its introvert 100% agree with the text , some times i fell she is sad but if i ask why always replay nothing and i dont want to keep asking coz i know introverts hate this how can i know why she is sad how can i help her?
Many thanks
So basically i do understood something that either introvert only have insecurities but extrovert dont or extrovert know how to handle insecurities but introvert dont???
great now people know my secrets
Hi I know NOW my bd is introverted and that need adjusting to big time. I imagined being I meant just being very shy or reluctant. Many strange things have happened and now I know why. I also continue with greater loving understanding as it seems more like autism spectrum disorder a syndrome rather than just a shyness. I love my bd and grateful I found all this out it may not be too late. I’ll try leaving him alone unhindered. I give him space so he can return to me refreshed and relaxed m
Yes, very true. Depending how pissed I can be with someone, the danger zone is, I grudge when I reached my limits and it’s not easy for me to forgive.
I’m a textbook introvert, but I’m not sure I agree with all of these. You seem to confuse “passive aggressive” for introversion, but this isn’t really the case. The main difference is that these actions you describe usually aren’t meant to be malicious. They’re just a way of self-preservation. Introverts become easily exhausted by interactions with people. Many of the actions listed here are ways to overcome the sense of being overwhelmed more than they are to deal with anger. For example, preferring texting or emailing over phoning has very little to do with contempt in many cases. It’s easier to feel in control of a conversation if you can slow it down a little and think about what you’re saying. The same goes for claiming you’re too busy with work, etc. Sometimes you just can’t bear the idea of being with people, and it has nothing at all to do with the actual person.
On occasions when I’ve actually done these actions because I was mad (not all of them resonate, but definitely monosyllabic responses, refusing help, or simply disengaging from a situation), they’re rarely because I’m sitting in my room seething about something and deciding that you’re my worst enemy. Usually, if I’m disengaging like this it’s because I realize that my anger is over something ridiculous and trivial, and that there’s nothing I can say to explain it or justify it. This is often just a function of me being tired of people, and has little to do with the action itself. On bad days, it might annoy me that you can’t decide what you want to eat for dinner or that you keep talking to me about something I don’t care about or that you make a little joke about one of my quirks. If I explain to you exactly why this pisses me off, you–the extrovert–aren’t likely to get it. I don’t think most extroverts fully appreciate the stress introverts feel in most social interactions, or the investment of energy we have to expend simply to be with someone else. They’re likely to take offense, or to think that I’m being rude or petty. Also, I don’t like MYSELF when I’m feeling angry over something stupid, and I feel guilty about it.
It’s so much better if I just stop talking to you for a few hours, go somewhere on my own, and watch something funny on youtube with my headphones on. About 80% of the time, I’m no longer angry after I do this for a little while. In the other 20% of cases, the alone time helps me think about why the person made me angry and how I should (or shouldn’t) make amends. Usually, I end up speaking to the person about whatever bothered me and we patch it up.
It’s rare for me to do any of the actions described here for a protracted period of time. The exception is when I absolutely can’t confront a person. For example, I had a supervisor at work who treated me and his employees with utter condescension and quickly made my life miserable. I couldn’t confront him because he hated all criticism, even when it was given kindly, and would have probably resulted in my getting fired. My only recourse was to avoid him as much as possible, which involved a lot of these things: monosyllabic answers, feigning work to avoid socializing, avoiding asking for help, etc. But even if I were extroverted, I don’t know what I could have done in this case. Not being able to confront someone is actually a miserable thing, even for an introvert who would rather not face people if they don’t have to. Most introverts recognize this. Passive-aggressive people are somewhat different. They enjoy the feeling of being angry and draw it out. As an introvert I don’t enjoy being angry; I value feeling calm and relaxed over all other things (even including euphoria).
Out of curiosity, I read a lot of comments. I was amused by two of the reactions. One, how do you get an introvert to stop being mad at you? And Two, do you have to be so harsh when you announce you are leaving? A typical extrovert is like a leaky bucket. They get empty quickly and they want to be around others to get filled up. And since the vast majority of people are extroverts, the unwritten rules of society are written to satisfy extraverted tastes. One of the worst features of this unwritten social contract is that it is ok, to gradually push clearly drawn boundaries, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PARTY FAILS TO PUSH BACK! An introvert will define boundaries with you clearly (although not usually emphatically until you have proven it is required). And they expect you to respect them continuously. Not until you are reminded again that this is a do not cross line. If every social gathering becomes one where you are the only one getting bitten by a swarm of mosquitoes, then it is time to be alone again. “Tell everyone the story about X again, there are people here who haven’t heard it.” “I told you to stop bringing that up.” “Oh, be a sport!” “It would take longer to tell that story than I plan to be here, as I was just about to go. Everyone have a nice evening.” Ok her invitations go in the trash.
so true tho except i go on youtube or play video games to distract myself when im upset. even worse when a person has said a hurtful or cold word i tend to cut off the friendship as i was bullied before and did not wish to be reminded of it….
I am an introvert kind of person and sometimes it creates problems for me because when i am angry or upset or i have any feelings for someone i am not able to express it clearly and this sometimes creates misunderstanding or distance with them.
I was trying to be friends with an introvert. We met 2 times and only did texts I think I was a bit much for them. Idk but they blew up on me they told me they didn’t want to be my friend anymore and was really upset I also got upset back and apologized even though I don’t think I did anything wrong I told them since they want to be alone I’ll leave them alone it was in the heat of the moment I wish I handled it better but from reading this article I don’t think they wanted to be my friend anyway cause they said thank you and have never contacted me agian but I’m not mad at them just sad it couldn’t work out
As a Introvert, I agree with all this. It happen to me by the way. But stay calm and act cool like always.
My mother always nags me. I even skipped my meal for two days because her nagging drained my energy until it got on my nerves.
I’m an extrovert, admittedly I don’t know too much about introverted people. I have a teenage daughter who is an introvert and while she displays some of the patterns laid out by the author she is adept at setting boundaries and relating to those around her she needs to decompress or withdraw and recharge. As the poster “Chris” commented others are not mind readers and I’d like to believe those closest to us are not malicious in attempts to help or smooth out a misunderstanding. Many of the posted comments ring to the tune of cluster B personalities. I’m not painting introverts with a broad brush here just pointing out that withdrawal and refusal to communicate is stonewalling/silent treatment. One of the first things every couples counselor will bring to light is stonewalling is incredibly hurtful to any relationship. Communication is the hallmark of interpersonal relationships, without good communication relationships will fail. The silent treatment is also a manipulation tactic used by many disordered personality types. It’s also been identified by the mental health profession as abusive. I have several introverted friends and an introverted brother. Most are quite like my teenage daughter and are very good at setting a boundary and stating they need time to process as a gesture of goodwill and harmony. I once dated a woman who was a covert narcissist and her quiet/withdrawn periods looked vastly different from the other introverts I know. When a withdraw period is used to punish another person it’s abusive and needs to be called out for what it is. Just as we extroverts have our obnoxious overt narcissists that tarnish our societal image introverts have your passive/aggressive punishers on the other end of the spectrum. Sadly for an extrovert this article did less to understand introverts than I had hoped although the post by “Chris” reinforced my understanding of how a healthy introvert communicates.