Depression Almost Took My Life
**WARNING THIS STORY MAY BE TOO STRONG OR TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS**
Depression in every person is unique, in the sense that everyone experiences it differently even though we all share similar symptoms. I’ve battled depression since I was about 11 years old. Possibly younger, but I don’t have any recollections about it. You see, since I can remember I have always felt different. When I was a child I would experience genuine happiness every now and then, but as I got older happiness started to feel distant. Until I completely forgot what it felt.
Depression consumed me completely. It drained every ounce of motivation in me. I no longer saw joy in life. Life was colorless, meaningless, and hollow. My body felt heavy, as if I was carrying a monster on my shoulders that sucked my life right before my eyes. It whispered to me delusions, distorting reality. I truly believed I deserved punishment. In fact, if I felt a bit of happiness. Guilt would take over and I’d sabotage it.
Eventually I felt like an alien to the world. Like I didn’t belong here. I remember seeing people smiling while having fun, and all I could feel was envy. I continually asked myself, why couldn’t I be happy just like them. Part of me grasped onto hope in desperation. Until one day, I could no longer feel. I was numb, living empty. Each night when I went to sleep, I’d hope I didn’t wake up the next day. Anxious to feel, I started self-harming and it became an addiction. I kept all sorts of sharp objects in my room, book bag and purse. It became my drug to feel, and when I got used to it, I’d pour rubbing alcohol on my wounds. The older I got the worse self-harm I did. Including chocking.
By this time, I had numerous suicide attempts that I chickened out of. The fear of the unknown scared me too much. Until one day, when I was around 15 or 16 years old I snapped. Home alone I grabbed a bottle of pills and drank it laying down in my room. I started feeling groggy and cold. Drifting in and out of consciousness. To my surprise I woke up late the next day. I had a terrible headache, was extremely thirsty. Felt disoriented and didn’t know what to do.
I was relieved my family didn’t notice, but at the same time furious about it. It made me feel like no one cared. Time went on and I put on a fake smile each day trying to survive. I went to university hoping it all be different, and it wasn’t. But I kept on reminding myself to keep on fighting because I didn’t want my mom and brother to live the rest of their life feeling bad about my suicide. So, I decided to go to a psychologist and psychiatrist for help because I knew if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here. That decision was the best thing I ever did. It changed the course of my life for the better.
With loads of hard work I started feeling happiness. Life no longer felt like a drag. Life now has color, its beautiful and I’m excited to accomplish my dreams. One day not too long ago I was outside laughing and having fun. That’s when it dawned on me. I started crying, you know that ugly cry where buggers even come out your nose. I couldn’t contain my emotions, I was astounded that I felt happiness. Now I am in graduate school completing a psychology degree. I was able to write a book, find my passion, make great friends, and heal old wounds.
I am happy my suicide attempt failed because if not I wouldn’t have been able to see the beauty of life. I wouldn’t have experienced love and true friendship. I wouldn’t have met all the wonderful people in my life. I wouldn’t have been able to defeat my depression. I would have hurt my family if I did. Depression changed my outlook in life. I now get excited for the little things like sunrises. Why? Because I have suffered so much, I know that if I don’t stay on top of my game it will sneak back up and bring me down. I like to think of myself as a warrior.
I hope my story can inspire you to continue fighting for life. To fight for your dreams. To fight for the people you love. And remember:
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” – Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Related articles on depression:
I have to say that was some really powerful stuff there. It reminded me of so many feelings, thoughts and memories. I truly empathise with you. I am happy to know you are through the dark times and you have a light that is there and is shining bright. Long may it continue. It was very courageous of you to share your story and thank you as it was very inspiring.
Thank you so much. <3
Thank you so much for writing that, and sharing it with us.
You’re welcome 🙂
[…] Depression Almost Took My Life […]
This sharing felt right at home with my heart and emotions. 2 days ago i tried the most cowardly thing of drugging myself to death with pills . What you have shared gives me hope for the future. Thank you for your story