**WARNING THIS STORY MAY BE TOO STRONG OR TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS**
Depression in every person is unique, in the sense that everyone experiences it differently even though we all share similar symptoms. I’ve battled depression since I was about 11 years old. Possibly younger, but I don’t have any recollections about it. You see, since I can remember I have always felt different. When I was a child I would experience genuine happiness every now and then, but as I got older happiness started to feel distant. Until I completely forgot what it felt.
Depression consumed me completely. It drained every ounce of motivation in me. I no longer saw joy in life. Life was colorless, meaningless, and hollow. My body felt heavy, as if I was carrying a monster on my shoulders that sucked my life right before my eyes. It whispered to me delusions, distorting reality. I truly believed I deserved punishment. In fact, if I felt a bit of happiness. Guilt would take over and I’d sabotage it.
Eventually I felt like an alien to the world. Like I didn’t belong here. I remember seeing people smiling while having fun, and all I could feel was envy. I continually asked myself, why couldn’t I be happy just like them. Part of me grasped onto hope in desperation. Until one day, I could no longer feel. I was numb, living empty. Each night when I went to sleep, I’d hope I didn’t wake up the next day. Anxious to feel, I started self-harming and it became an addiction. I kept all sorts of sharp objects in my room, book bag and purse. It became my drug to feel, and when I got used to it, I’d pour rubbing alcohol on my wounds. The older I got the worse self-harm I did. Including chocking.
By this time, I had numerous suicide attempts that I chickened out of. The fear of the unknown scared me too much. Until one day, when I was around 15 or 16 years old I snapped. Home alone I grabbed a bottle of pills and drank it laying down in my room. I started feeling groggy and cold. Drifting in and out of consciousness. To my surprise I woke up late the next day. I had a terrible headache, was extremely thirsty. Felt disoriented and didn’t know what to do.
I was relieved my family didn’t notice, but at the same time furious about it. It made me feel like no one cared. Time went on and I put on a fake smile each day trying to survive. I went to university hoping it all be different, and it wasn’t. But I kept on reminding myself to keep on fighting because I didn’t want my mom and brother to live the rest of their life feeling bad about my suicide. So, I decided to go to a psychologist and psychiatrist for help because I knew if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here. That decision was the best thing I ever did. It changed the course of my life for the better.
With loads of hard work I started feeling happiness. Life no longer felt like a drag. Life now has color, its beautiful and I’m excited to accomplish my dreams. One day not too long ago I was outside laughing and having fun. That’s when it dawned on me. I started crying, you know that ugly cry where buggers even come out your nose. I couldn’t contain my emotions, I was astounded that I felt happiness. Now I am in graduate school completing a psychology degree. I was able to write a book, find my passion, make great friends, and heal old wounds.
I am happy my suicide attempt failed because if not I wouldn’t have been able to see the beauty of life. I wouldn’t have experienced love and true friendship. I wouldn’t have met all the wonderful people in my life. I wouldn’t have been able to defeat my depression. I would have hurt my family if I did. Depression changed my outlook in life. I now get excited for the little things like sunrises. Why? Because I have suffered so much, I know that if I don’t stay on top of my game it will sneak back up and bring me down. I like to think of myself as a warrior.
I hope my story can inspire you to continue fighting for life. To fight for your dreams. To fight for the people you love. And remember:
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” – Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
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