Mental Illness Recovery Series: Story # 95

Anonymous is from Poland, but has lived half her life in France. She loves to read, write, to listen to music and watch television shows. Anonymous said, “Some of my favorite books include: Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Percy Jackson, and Lord of the Rings. Not only that, but anonymous enjoys practicing rugby & jiu jitsu. Anonymous would love to become a psychologist one day to help people, but she doesn’t think she will able to become one. She said, “I’m not good at school, can’t really see a future for myself, at least, not academically.” Although anonymous can picture herself hanging out with her friends.

Anonymous has and still struggles with generalized anxiety disorder & insomnia with suicidal tendencies. She suspects to have depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and anger management issues. Her suicidal thoughts & tendencies sprung up after her family decided to treat her badly after she came out to them. She believes her anxiety and insomnia is due to the pressures of finishing her last year of high school with good grades, to get into a university and having to pass her exams in a language she is still not familiar with. Anonymous anger issues, stems from, not expressing herself and pushing her feelings aside. She suspects ADHD because she is hyperactive and has difficulties concentrating. Anonymous believed she has depression because she has long periods in which she feels numb. She said, “like, I really don’t care about what happens to me, can’t see a future, I skip meals & just try to find happiness but in vain.”

Anonymous has tried to treat herself, by looking online for tips to sleep better, but nothing has worked. Unfortunately, she is still dealing with numerous symptoms such as, inability to concentrate, bad memory, difficulties following instructions. She said, “I mean, my parents told me that’s just the teenage rebel phase, but I don’t think so”. Not only that, but she has panic attacks, insomnia, over analyzes everything and constantly feels exhausted. She also, has no motivation whatsoever. She said, “I don’t wanna do anything, I think life is pointless and I might as well just die.” Anonymous feels like she can’t enjoy anything. She struggles with intense anger, she said, “I wanna punch people in the face. On my worse days, I can imagine just physically torturing some of them”. She feels that her anger is a lot more than other people. Anonymous has outbursts of anger, verbally hurting those she loves the most. Sadly, anonymous only gets three hours of sleep per day. She said:

“I just wanted a way out. I still do. I feel so hopeless & helpless but at the same time, I’ve lost people to suicide & I don’t want those who love me to go through the same y’know?”

Even though anonymous academic and personal life became affected, she did get help from friends. She said, “Some people noticed my anguish and reached out to me, and I’ll be forever grateful. I can call them my friends now”. She also said, “They manage to make me feel a bit better about myself & inspire me to go on.” What helps anonymous to keep fighting is reminding herself, that she would like to go to concerts, read new books, and watch series.

Her mental disorders have helped in some ways. Anonymous said:

“I guess in some twisted ways these disorders helped me. Anxiety pushed me to work when my depression would rather stay in bed all day long. My anger issues helped me find my jiu jitsu class & in all honesty sometimes we box & it’s super therapeutic. Thanks to my insomnia I could explore the parts of my brain I don’t usually hear + could enjoy the beautiful view of a starry night… the scars I have remind me I’ve gone through a lot already & can go on.”

This is her advice for anyone struggling with mental illness:

“Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, and the right people will be willing to help you with whatever you’re going through.”

“Those who like metal & often feel isolated but don’t know how to reach out, listen to “Don’t Go” by Bring Me The Horizon. It’s relatable and a great song. I also love Get Scared or Motionless in White.”

Help me make a difference by sharing your story. If you or anyone you know needs a safe place to vent out and recieve advice feel free to become a member of the Mental Illness Recovery Series Group on Facebook.